Since I Saw You Last - Michael Clifford

Chapter Eighty One.

A new start; that's what I needed.

I get up from the clinics uncomfortable, may I say, bed, as I heard a knock on the door. Since I stepped in here I started hoping I will get better. Maybe, you know, I will finally be self-efficient. Maybe in the future I will be happy with or without Michael —probably without, though. Still, I have to admit I am hoping he visits; not because I want to see him, don't misunderstand me. I just want him to see me happy without him by my side so maybe his heart breaks a little. I don't want pity of course, but I want him to feel as broken as I felt when he left me without any valid explanation, just so he gets a taste of how it is. I always thought he would save me; I always thought he was different and special. I guess I was wrong though. I was naïve and vulnerable and he took advantage of it. He killed me with a simple phrase, and I will never forgive him for that.

I approached the grey door and opened it, revealing a smiling Evan with both hands hidden behind his back, and I was sure he was holding something. I cock my head to the side, still smiling because of his surprise-visit, just to see what he was holding.

"Evan, what is it?" I asked standing on my tip toes, just to see it, but he stopped me.

"I just came all the way from London to Brighton, just to pay a visit in the clinic and you're not even saying hi." He complained, pulling up a playful frown.

"It's not that far you know." I laughed, and he rolled his eyes. "Hi, by the way."

"These are for you." He said, revealing the object he was hiding from me, which as I thought, they were flowers. He handed me the bouquet and I could feel myself blushing.

"Thank you, Evan." I smiled, motioning him to get in. I placed the bouquet in an empty vase which was on a table beside my bed. I sat on my bed and so did he.

"How is it?" he asked.

"What?" I said, not understanding what he was referring to, and furrowed my eyebrows.

"How is your first week here?"

"It's okay I guess. Just a week passed, it's not such a big deal to be honest." I shrugged.

"It is a big deal Alex. This is a new and refreshing start. This is a whole new chapter of your life and it's going to be way better." He said, taking my hand and squeezing it gently. I simply nod looking at our hands intertwined. It still feels weird when he touches me. I don't know why, it's just is.

"Alex, you know I will visit you quite often, right?" he chuckled.

"Yes." I smiled.

"You won't get rid of me Alexandra." He stated. I rolled my eyes playfully and giggled.

"Why are you doing this Evan?" I asked. He just smiled and looked down, before he decided to answer.

"I just care. That's why."

—

Day 65

Two months passed. I can feel the changes, I can feel slightly happier sometimes, but darkness is still there, haunting me whenever I am alone. And I am alone most of the time. I don't have any friends here and I am quite thankful Evan visits me often, and so do my best friends. But when I am lonely, I cannot control myself. I can't control my thoughts and my feelings. I still feel unable to do everything I am aiming to. I feel powerless, but stronger than before, that is for sure. Don't you ever fall into deep thoughts when no one's around? Don't you think about things you don't want to, but you aren't able to push it away, because these thoughts are screaming to you? The voices tell me so many things... bad things. They convince me to do stuff I should not but I have to avoid them. No matter how loud they are screaming, I have to stay strong.

That's what they taught me, and I know I can make it.

—

Day 117

I met a new friend. Her name is Ashley. She has a completely different past in comparison to mine, but the good things about depression —in this case only- is that you get the same feelings no matter the cause. I have to admit it's quite comforting knowing someone who feels the same as you. You get to share your thoughts with someone who you know that won't judge you.

Also, my best friends have been visiting a lot; Calum, Luke, Ashton, Caroline, Phoebe and of course Evan. That's been a relief, and thankfully they understood my choice of not going back to Sydney. I am not ready to face Michael. Oh and guess what? He hasn't visited yet. Not even once. Calum says it's hard for him to visit me and that he's afraid. Well, he better be, because as soon as I get out of here I will break his bones. Actually, no. I don't even want to face him. I don't care anymore.

The Michael chapter is over.

"You've changed Alex." Ashton said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Is that good?" I chuckled.

"Of course it is, you silly." He said, faking a gay voice.

"You're an idiot." I giggled.

"You love me though. You love all of us, say it!" he said, raising his voice slightly at the last words.

"I admit I love all of you guys. I wouldn't be here without your support." I admitted, smiling.

"We love you back, sunshine." He said, and I flinched at the word 'sunshine'.

Michael used to call me like that.

No, Alex. It's over. You moved on.