Since I Saw You Last - Michael Clifford

Chapter Seventeen.

“M-Michael?” I stuttered, as soon as he spoke. I would have never guessed it was him.

“Shhh, don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Okay?” he smiled. I nodded, smiling weakly, as tears continued to stream down my face.

“Okay.” I answered. My mind repeated me to pull away but my heart refused. It was a continuous battle between brain and heart, but everyone says to follow our heart, right? And so I did. I needed him, didn’t I? I cannot hold this in anymore, I cannot resist. Fuck my promises, fuck everything. He’s all I need, he’s all I need to be okay, to be happy and save myself. And I swear I love him. I love him so much that I’d do anything for him, and I’d do anything to be this close to him.

“What happened, Alex?” he asked, cupping my cheek with his large hand. I just shook my head and wiped my tears. “Tell me, please. I can’t see you crying.” He frowned.

“Can we just go home, please?” I asked. He bit his lip as he thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. He grabbed my hand and we walked out of the club, away from everyone and everything.

--

“Will you tell me what happened?” he asked, climbing on his bed, sitting near me. I sat up and took a deep breath.

“I am not doing any better, Michael. I am getting worse.” I admitted, looking at my hands. I didn’t want to see his face expression; I bet he was scared. I bet he was scared of me because everyone does and then they run away. I’ve got used to it.

“You’re getting worse?” he asked, and I nodded. “That means we’re not going to be together.” he mumbled quietly, but it was loud enough to hear.

“I don’t know.” I said, turning my gaze to him. Fear was written on his face, as I expected.

“A-Alex, you know I want to help you and-“I cut him off.

“No one can help me Michael. I am hopeless. Anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations… these are all things I didn’t have before and it’s a sign I am getting worse and even though you’re trying to help me, I’m sorry to say but it doesn’t work.” I stated, trying to push my tears back.

“How am I supposed to help you when you keep pushing me away, Alex?” he said, raising his voice slightly.

“What?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s the truth. You keep pushing me away. You keep pushing away everyone who’s trying to help you and that’s not good. Accept the help. It’s okay to need help. Sometimes we’re just not strong enough, sometimes we’re just not able to go through things on our own. And admit that you need me, Alex. I told you; you need me as much as I need you.” He said. I sighed, as I realized it’s the truth. I fucking need him. I cannot live without him and I cannot let him slip away because I know one day he will get tired, he will hate me and he will leave me for someone else if I don’t do anything. But I cannot let myself be helped by him. He is not able to help me right now because I am a fucked up mess, and he would hate me if I let him in on every single secret. I hate myself so much for how I got in this situation.

“You can’t help me. I am hopeless.” I shouted. I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. As soon as I let them go, they didn’t stop. He came closer and held my shoulders.

“You are not hopeless, Jesus!” he said, and I saw a single tear streaming down his face. “You can make it! I believe in you.” He shouted back.

“M-Michael…” I managed to mutter between sobs. His eyes softened a little and he sat next to me. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to his chest, as his warm hands caressed my cheek gently.

“I love you. Okay?” he whispered. My sobs suddenly stopped, and I looked up at him, wiping my tears; he was smiling.

“I love you too, Michael.” I smiled weakly. Only then I realized our faces were inches apart and I knew what was coming. He started gazing my lips and slowly started leaning in, and so did I, until his soft pink lips crashed onto mine. This is what I wanted. This is what I desired and hoped for so long. I wasn’t going to pull back this time; I wasn’t going to walk away. This time I will stay, for as long as he wants me to, because he makes me happy. Michael is my happiness.

--

I woke up in the morning in a king sized bed; wait, I don’t have a king sized bed in my room. I sit up quickly and rub my eyes. I look around and realize I am in Michael’s room, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I stand up and walk over the mirror; I looked like a mess. I wasn’t wearing my clothes from the party though. I was wearing a blink-182 muscle top, which is probably Michael’s. I grabbed my clothes, which were neatly placed on his desk chair –weird, Michael is not even close to neat. He’s even messier than me-, and headed back to my room, trying not to be noticed by anyone.

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