Since I Saw You Last - Michael Clifford

Chapter Fourty.

The doctors decided to make a surgery and let the baby born. I really didn’t know what was going on, no one was telling me anything and although everyone around me told me to calm down, I just couldn’t. How was I supposed to be calm when I don’t even know if my baby and I are okay? Well obviously we are not okay, that’s the only certain thing; but still, are we risking our lives? Is everything going to be alright? All these questions didn’t seem like they were getting any answers and this frustrated me even more.

“Everything is going to be fine, don’t worry.” Phoebe said, squeezing my hand. I thought she was trying to reassure herself. What were they all hiding from me?

“No it’s not, Phoebe. I am scared.” I said, biting my lip trying to push my tears back.

“Don’t be so stressed. Listen to Phoebe.” Said Caroline, patting my back and smiling at me weakly. I felt like everyone was lying to me, there was something wrong. I could barely move from the pain so I still was lying on the hospital’s bed, which was pretty much uncomfortable.

“We have to take you in the surgery room, Miss Holt.”  The doctor announced, as soon as he entered in the room.

I nodded and gulped. I admit I was afraid. What if something happens to me –or my child? Plus, the boys didn’t know anything yet. I was nervous about Michael’s reaction. What is he going to say or do? My mind was racing; it was full of thoughts and questions and I this situation was literally driving me crazy.
I waved at the girls while the nurses were taking me out and leading me to the surgery room. Their weak smiles told me this time the case is even more serious than the other times I’ve been in the hospital.

--

And I watched it. I watched my own child getting born, but there was something wrong. It wasn’t crying. It didn’t seem to give any life signs. I started to panic and I wanted to get up and reach out for it, but I could barely move because of the surgery.

“What happened to my baby? Why isn’t it crying?” I yelled, trying to hold my tears back.

It was surrounded by nurses and doctors in the other side of the room, who were mumbling some medical jargon I definitely didn’t understand. I was concerned the situation was out of hand and I couldn’t do anything about it. I had never felt so much fear and stress in my life. I sit up slightly so I was no longer in a complete lying position. My heart was beating faster than ever.

Then everything stopped. Everyone stood still and stared at the baby with unreadable expression. What’s going on?
Then a doctor approached me, looking at his hands before turning his gaze to me.

“Miss Holt, unfortunately… we have to inform you your baby was born, but dead.” He said.

And in that moment I felt my whole world crash down. Like everything was broken and no one was able to fix it. I let my tears flow, and sobbed until there were no left. I know, at first the idea of having a baby did not excite me at all because my career would pause and I had to take some responsibilities that I don’t know if I would be able to cope with, since I am still so young. And Michael, okay, he wanted it. But how would he be a proper dad if he was on tour for half a year? This was too difficult for both of us, this was not the time and I knew it from the start. I knew that we weren’t ready to become parents, but I got so attached to the baby I don’t think I can let it go. Yet, I have to.
As I cried, the nurses and the doctors walked out holding the baby, which gave the permission to the girls to enter the room. Their eyes were bloodshot, as they understood what had happened. Or maybe, they knew.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I shouted, still crying.

“We didn’t want you to stress. There was a slight possibility the baby would be born healthy if you didn’t stress more than you did…” Caroline admitted. I knew there were hiding me something.

“You had to tell me, I gathered all my hopes and I wasn’t ready for this!” I yelled.

“Alex please, forgive us.” Phoebe said, approaching me and trying to touch me but I jerked her hand off.

“Leave me alone! Go away! Both of you get out!” I cried, this time even harder.

They looked at each other and nodded, so they walked out without even muttering a word. I know I was rude, but right now I didn’t want to have any arguments; I was clearly not in the mood. My baby, my child, my little boy… he died. How am I even going to say this to Michael? How is he going to react? He has had such a hard day at the studio and I am sure the last thing he would want to hear right now is that our own baby is gone. The baby we waited for so long, that would probably change our lives for the best, despite the difficulties; it would be a way to connect and never leave each other, and it died.
There is no way I am going to get over this easily.

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WELL HELLO THERE.

13 PARTS REMAINED FOR TODAY.

READ, READ, READ, RATE, COMMENT, BUT MAINLY, READ!!!!

-V xx