Internal Noise | Haechan

t h i r t y t w o

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Ｉｎｔｅｒｎａｌ Ｎｏｉｓｅ
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"W-what?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"I found you a job! I mean... it's nothing special, just a tutoring job for my friend's kid, but it's something right?"

"Oh my god, Kami! I- I don't know how to thank you," tears prickled my eyes. I was so scared that Kami was mad at me, overthinking like an idiot, but she was just being a good friend. The best friend.

I sat up and quickly went to hug her. "No need, I'm happy I could help," she said.

I was overjoyed with the news. No matter what the job was, I would gladly take it.

We sat back in our respective chairs as Kami explained what I would be doing and who I'd be tutoring. It sounded great, and the parents were willing to pay a lot for a simple tutoring job. It was perfect!

My day was turning out to be great, or at least I thought it was.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something," Kami changed the subject.

"What is it?" I smiled.

"Well... I know you apologized for that whole dinner with Mark, but..." she exhaled, playing with the drink in her hands. She seemed nervous, and I was growing nervous too.

Please don't say it, Kami. Please...

"Has he asked about me at all?"

Pain shot through my heart. It was like getting pierced with a knife. I could sense the heartbreak she was soon going to face and didn't know what to do to fix the mess I had created.

"Kami... I..."

Do I tell her? I should talk to them first, make sure it doesn't happen again. But, I can't let Kami date a guy like Mark again... he'll just hurt her.

"I don't think you should see Mark anymore. I'm really sorry for what I did... I shouldn't have made you go to that stupid dinner... but, Kami... Mark... he's changed."

She looked at me puzzled. She expected me to say "yes." She hoped I would say "yes, all he does is talk about you" but that wasn't the case.

"What do you mean?" She wore a small smile, a bit clueless, a bit sad.

I sighed, looking down at my drink, not able to maintain eye contact with my best friend, "people change, Kami. He's not the same guy we knew in high school. He's seeing someone else." It felt wrong saying that. So, so wrong, but I couldn't hurt her like that.

"Oh," was all she said. Her eyes dropped, but her smile widened, taking a small sip of her coffee.

You don't have to play strong in front of me, Kami... this is all my fault... but I did the correct thing. Right?

— ☔︎ —

The moment I left that shop I called him. Furious from what I had just done. The way I had to lie to Kami's face, just because he had become such a lowlife. The burden of carrying his secret was too heavy for me to bear.