London Love ✔

consequences

p a t i e n c e   -
h o l l o w   c o v e s

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Wir verharrten noch einen Moment, dann sah Harry mir in die Augen und ich wusste was kommen würde, bevor er es ausgesprochen hatte.

"What are we doing here, Becca? This..." , murmelte er und hob unsere verschränkten Finger leicht an, "... what does this mean?"

Ich hielt seinem flehenden Blick stand, auch wenn es mich viel Kraft kostete. 
"I tried to make up my mind. I did. But, there's just so much to consider."

Ich sah, wie Harry schluckte.
"I know. I know, Becca. I know. Man, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, if I'm being honest. But as shitty as it may be, you can't leave me hanging another time. Please."

"That's the problem. I don't want to leave you hanging. But I don't know how to think. Harry, you're this really sweet, nice, warm, gentle, funny, hot, perfect guy that I would normally kill to be with, but then there's the other side of the coin. When I think about you being... famous, I don't know what there is to expect of a relationship between us two. I'm just this average lawyer that's a literal nobody and then there's you, worshipped by tens of thousands of people all over the globe. How could something like that ever work?"

"You know that we could make it work."
"Do I? Don't lie to me, how much effort did it take you, your management, all the people around you, just so nothing would slip to the media?"
Harry gab mir keine Antwort auf meine Frage, sondern schwieg schlichtweg.

"That's what I thought, Harry."
"But what if the press found out? Would it be that bad? I don't have a problem with making our relationship official, Becca. I don't care what people think, I only care what you and the people I care for think. Nothing else matters."

Ich schloss meine Augen für einen Moment und atmete tief durch. Mir war von vorne herein klar gewesen, dass ich Harry nicht einfach so würde überzeugen können, aber ich hatte gehofft, dass er es mir nicht ganz so schwer machen würde, wie er es jetzt tat.

"What would happen if we made it official, huh? How bad would the losses in the band's music sales be? Would I still be able to walk through Hyde Park unbothered whenever I want to? What would be the consequences for my job? What would be the consequences for my family? That's what I'm worried about, Harry. Not confessing my love to you publicly. That's not the problem."

Harrys Stirn lag in Falten und ich konnte ihm förmlich dabei zusehen, wie er versuchte, Argumente gegen meine Worte zu finden. 
"But... I'm sure we could figure something out. My management is the best, I know they could somehow cushion the consequences a little. Yeah, sure, it would be a situation every person involved would have to get used to. Your parents, your sister, your friends, but it's nothing impossible. Becca, I'm not saying there would be no problems or obstacles, but we could do it."

Ich schüttelte leicht den Kopf.
"And what would happen to us throughout all of that chaos that would go along with staying together and making it public? What would happen to our relationship? Harry, we've known each other for such a short time. How can we know that we would come out of this the same way we went in? We may be in love now, but what happens when you start noticing all of my flaws and realize that there's no way you can love me anymore? Sure, we can break up. But what happens then, Harry? What would be the consequences of that?"

"We wouldn't break up and you know it."
Ich schnaubte. 
"How could we ever know that?"

"So what you're trying to say, Becca, is that you don't see any sense in our relationship? That we should just break up and say goodbye for good? I can't do that. If this still is about the fact that I lied to you, I apologized so many times, you have to understand -"

"No, it's not about that," unterbrach ich Harry.
"It's not about that, because I get it now. I'm not glad you did it, not even close, but I've forgiven you. You had your motives."

Harry nickte.
"That's good to hear. Thank you, Becca."

"Harry, I didn't forgive you for you. I forgave you for me. Dwelling on it for any longer would have made my mind go to dark places. Darker than they already were in. But as I said, that is not what is making me think it would be the better choice to end this."

Unsere Hände waren immer noch verschränkt, doch ich nutzte den Moment, um mich zurückzuziehen. Ich wollte Harry keinen falschen Eindruck vermitteln, auch wenn ich damit bisher ziemlich erfolgreich versagt hatte.
Er öffnete und schloss seine Hand mehrfach hintereinander, so als ob er sich daran gewöhnen müsste, dass sie wieder leer war.

"Harry, all I ever wanted was a normal life. Grow up working the job I love, meeting someone that loves me for me, settling down, buying a house, having children, at least two, doing barbecues with our a little crazy but super nice neighbours, grow old knowing that I chose the right path for me. But if we did this, how could my life be the tiniest bit of normal ever again?"

Es lag so viel Sorge in Harrys Gesicht, dass ich am liebsten neben ihn getreten wäre und ihn in eine innige Umarmung gezogen hätte. Es schmerzte unglaublich, zu wissen, dass ich für diese Sorge verantwortlich war und nichts dagegen tun konnte.

Harry fuhr sich mit seiner Hand über sein Gesicht und sah dann aus dem Fenster neben uns.
"What if I told you that normal was all I ever wanted, too? I never really chose this, Becca. It happened. It could have happened to you as well. It sort of did when you met me, okay? 
But it's not as bad as you might think. We could have the most normal life you could ever imagine, just with some minor exceptions every now and then. Like a visit of a gala or a charity event. Maybe more travelling than the average person. Listen, sure, if you decided for a guy like this Adam dude you have been seeing lately or someone else like that, it would be different than dating me. I don't doubt that. But who says that we couldn't have a place to ourselves, somewhere silent, a small town maybe, where we could raise our four kids. We could have friends over all the time and it wouldn't have to feel anything but normal. Becca. Think about it."

"You know about Adam?," stammelte ich, ganz aus dem Konzept gebracht davon, dass er von ihm wusste.
Harry nickte.

"Your friend, Megan, reached out to Louis and at some point, she told him. But I'm not mad or anything. You're a free woman. It's just... after I heard about it, I was even more astonished that you showed up for the concert. I thought you had just written me off and moved on already."

Ich seufzte. Wie konnte er nur jedes Mal so perfekt reagieren? An seiner Stelle hätte ich niemals so ruhig bleiben können.
"I could never move on that easily, Harry. You had too big of an influence on me. Yes, I met up with Adam. Once. But I let him off the hook after that. It didn't feel right."

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a/n:

Das ist tatsächlich schon das vorletzte Kapitel. Ich bin schon ein bisschen traurig, aber all good things must come to an end.