Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

You Can Breathe Now

(Song- MFEO, pt. 1: Made For Each Other, Pt.2: You Can Breathe - Jack's Mannequin)

(Long chapter! Yay. Alex is gonna start feeling a little better and the Jalex is really gonna come out full force, daddy Alex is gonna come out full force. It's gonna be fun. Thank you to all of you who've read this far and been patient with everything. Having a mental illness is hard to explain and not something you can do in just a couple of chapters. It tends to drag, which can get old for people who read fics that just mention it once then magically it's all better.
I'm writing this story for me, as a way to express my own bipolar 2 and panic disorder, so truly, for those of you who like this story or even relate to it, I appreciate you and love you so much.)

(TW: Panic attack/manic episode)

The next few days were okay, nothing awful, at least but of course nothing was perfect.
There were a few small panic attacks caused by nothing other than Alex's brain telling him to panic. Because of the upcoming adjustments though, Isobel had talked with Alex who agreed to put Elise in the daycare at the hospital at least for now, while she took day shifts again to accommodate for that. It was better for her anyway, Alex would be going back to school after all, and babies are in daycare a lot anyway, especially in the situation of young parents and working grandparents. This didn't bother Alex too much, plus it kept Elise away from all of his madness when no one was really home to help him.
 Except now it's Wednesday and Alex is nearly off the medication that's been keeping him semi okay. Things aren't okay anymore. His talks with his psychiatrist were going okay, when he was okay enough to answer his questions. Dr. Cook was writing every single thing down, watching Alex go from lucid to manic, from manic to panic filled, then back again, leaving Alex exhausted. He wrote down everything Alex said he was seeing, and everything that made Alex uncomfortable in his office, such as the clock that ticked loudly. He turned that off. The sound made Alex freak out a little, among other little things. Alex's patient chart since Dr. Cook had begun seeing him so so long ago proved that his bipolar and panic disorder were continuously growing and growing.

"Stop...Stop...Stop..." Alex was whispering to himself, trying to will himself to stop freaking out as if it would work. He sat curled up against the bottom cupboards in the kitchen, eyes squeezed closed and hands on his head. Just a few moments ago, he'd dropped a glass on the ground and it shattered, that was all it took to trigger the panic attack. He was simply going to get a glass of water before then. 
It's 3:45 PM and Peter was home, working from home for the time being so Alex wouldn't be left alone. When Rian, Jack or Zack got there, he'd go into his office to do his phone calls and business meetings.
"Alex..." Peter asked as he walked into the room, seeing the glass and his son on the ground. He walked over to him and knelt down, "What happened?" He asked carefully.
Alex shook his head quickly and kept whispering 'stop' to himself.
Peter looked back at the glass, "It's okay...You didn't mean to drop it, right?" He asked carefully.
Alex shook his head, eyes squeezed shut, just trying to hold it together.
"I'm s-s-sorry...So...So..S-sorry." He cried out, trying so hard to keep himself as composed as he could. 
Peter sat down next to Alex and held his arms out, "Come on, come here." He waited for Alex to start to lean forward to know that it was okay to touch him, and just sort of picked him up almost how he did when Alex was just little and cradled him on his lap, Alex's head in his neck.
He rubbed Alex's back while his son's tears ran down his neck and onto the collar of his shirt.
"Shh....It's okay son...Just breathe" He soothed quietly, "Accidents happen, you didn't mean to drop the glass and it's just a glass, we can always get new ones, plus we have extras anyway. No one is angry with you for it." His voice in his soft British accent was laced with worry, trying to mask it for Alex, which helped Alex a little. He wasn't crying as hard anymore.
He would be glad when his son was medicated again, because weaning off of the one he's on now has been hell, getting worse and worse. His heart was breaking for his child. All he saw right now is a seven year old Alex who cried this hard when he fell off his bike and scraped up his knees, a hopeless, pained, upset cry. He didn't know how to handle Alex's attacks as well as Isobel, or Rian or Jack or Zack, but his heart shattered each time he had them. He was wishing Isobel was here to sing, Alex calmed down when she sang to him. He'd call her and let her know what happened. 

Jack walked through the door, using his newly given key so he'd be able to check on Alex like everyone else. He sort of paused in the doorway when he heard Alex crying. He put his backpack down, shut the door behind him and quietly walked to the kitchen where he saw Peter holding Alex like he was just a little child. 
Peter looked up at Jack, shaking his head just a tiny bit while Alex just cried relentlessly against his neck. Unmedicated Alex is not a healthy Alex. He'd been mentally healthier than this when he was on the medications that he'd begun to build a tolerance to. 
Jack got the broom and started sweeping up the glass and tossing it.
"Alex...Jack is here..." Peter said quietly, Jack always made Alex feel better. Rian and Jack had sort of become a dream team when it came to mellowing Alex out despite how new at this Jack was, and Zack was the best at talking to him once he'd calmed down enough, seeing as Zack has a panic disorder as well. He just can't really hang out while the calming Alex down part was happening, it gave him anxiety, so he'd stay downstairs or go to another room until Alex was calmed down enough. He couldn't wait for his friend to be back on his proper treatment.
Alex looked up at Jack a little and scooted off Peter's lap, he wanted Jack now. The charm to Jack being so good at helping Alex now is the boyfriend aspect, despite the fact that nothing was official yet. Jack didn't think Alex was in the right place for him to ask anything like that, let alone do anything more than kiss his extremely fragile, stunning, beautiful caramel haired boy.
Jack took Peter's place on the floor and pulled Alex against him, "You're alright. Just breathe. Can you try it?" He took a deep breath and let it out, doing it a couple times over the course of a few minutes until Alex was mimicking him.
"You wanna come to bed with me? The glass is all cleaned up, I can get you water. We can go lay down." Alex loved to cuddle up with Jack, and Rian when Jack wasn't here. When Zack was here with either Rian or Jack, he'd be the one who he sings with or plays games with to finish calming himself down. 
He nodded a tiny bit and let Jack help him up.

Jack got a new glass down and filled it up with water from the refrigerator and took Alex's hand.
Alex paused for a minute to look at his dad with sorry eyes, "I'm sorry." He whispered.
Peter put his hand on Alex's shoulder, "Don't ever be sorry for an accident, you didn't mean it. Like I said, it's just a glass. Go relax upstairs. I'll bring you up something to eat in a little bit okay? You haven't eaten anything today. Your mom made that chicken soup you like, do you want some of that in a while?" He knew that was for sure one thing Alex would ea. The other part of Alex being currently for 95% unmedicated at the moment is that he had next to no appetite. Yesterday, he'd spent all day hiding in his room, not eating a single thing. No one could get him to even try a tiny bit of food, so Isobel made his favorite soup for him when she got home so that he'd hopefully eat something today.
Alex nodded, "O-okay." He started chewing on his bottom lip, drawing some blood.
Jack gave Peter another look that silently said Alex would be okay, getting a look from Peter that essentially said thank you. They'd both be working together today. He couldn't wait for Alex to be any semblance of okay again. He missed the boy who texted him random things and the boy who joked with him at school. The boy he was before all of this, but he loved him just the same now. He just wanted his boy to be a little less breakable. 
He took Alex upstairs, kicking off his shoes before getting Alex and himself under the blankets in bed. 

Alex glued himself to Jack, head on his chest, arm around his torso, leg over his. Jack wrapped his arms around the broken boy and rubbed his back.
"I'm sorry..." Alex said again almost silently.
"Why are you sorry?" 
Alex stayed quiet for a minute, "I'm not good."
"Why aren't you good?"
"I'm stupid...I'm fucked up...I ruin everything...I'm ugly...I can't do anything right...I don't even know how to exist right...I can't breathe most days...There's a hole where my lungs should be...There are things on the floor that shouldn't be there...There's hands like zombies coming up from the ground on my floor...There's stars on my wall...I see things...All the time now...There's always something..." He was just rambling at this point, staring into nothing, his eyes completely unfocused.
Jack just rubbed his back for a while, letting him talk, taking his words in so he'd be able to figure out a response.
"I don't like me...I want to hurt me. I'm bad. Elise would be better off without me around...I'm bad for her...I'm bad for Jack...I'm bad for Rian and Zack..." Now he was completely out of it, not realizing he's even being held by Jack, let alone in the same room as him. As far as his brain was registering, he was totally alone and talking to himself at this point.
"I should go away." He whispered, that one stung a little. He choked up a bit, "I should go away forever. Never come back...." A couple tears streaked down the side of his face.
"Better off without me." He talked to himself some more.
"Hey Alex..." Jack went from rubbing his back to scratching it gently, hoping the change in sensation on his skin would help snap him out of it.
Alex just went silent.

"Can you hear me Lex?" 
Alex nodded.
"Okay...Do you know what you were saying?" 
Alex shook his head.
"Do you remember anything of it?"
Alex shook his head again, confirming that he'd just gotten lost in an entire manic episode, where he wasn't really there at all. Alex's mind was somewhere else completely, his bipolar mind was talking for him. Two separate parts of him coming out.
"Okay, that's okay. Just know that you are not a bad person. You are not ugly. You are a great dad, just right now you need to get better for you first and know that Elise has plenty of love and care from you and her family. And you, you are my best friend in the whole world, and Rian's and Zack's...We love you Alex. So so much." He kissed the top of Alex's head.
Alex shook his head again, "No." 
Jack sighed a tiny bit, "That's okay. You don't have to believe me. I'll believe it enough for both of us for right now, okay? That's okay." He wondered how the hell this had happened so quickly. He knew, but it was weird for him still. He'd talked to his mom about this a little, and naturally his mom was worried about how the boy Jack had practically been in love with since the beginning of school was suddenly just, not okay. Jack hadn't given her explicit details, but she knew that Alex got treatment, hence why he was visiting him and getting calls from the center and why he was here with Alex every single day. She understood, but it was weird for her to see her usually obnoxious son take on such a serious role.

Alex stayed quiet for a while. After about five minutes he sighed heavily.
"There are stars on the wall Jack...And hands on the floor." 
Jack nodded, "Yeah, you said that earlier."
Alex got quiet again. He'd said that already? How long had he been seeing these then? He was so currently in and out. Right now, he was lucid and knew where he was, what he was saying and what he was doing. Give him another five minutes, and he might be completely out of it again. He hated this so so much. Friday needed to come faster.
"What would make you feel better, Lex?" Giving Alex a choice was something he'd been trying lately, since it was hard to tell what was happening in his head. The way Isobel explained things, the way it used to be for him and the way it is now were vastly different things. When he was told that things had gotten way worse, it was serious. It had gotten way worse.
"Just...Hold me." Alex sighed.
"Don't look at the hands or stars anymore okay? Look up at me instead." He angled himself so Alex could look up and see his face a little better.
Alex looked up at him and just took him in, trying to think about Jack's facial features, his chocolate eyes, the bump near the bridge of his nose, the stubble on his face. It was helping.
Jack stayed quiet and just watched Alex as his eyes moved around his face.
After a while, Alex nestled his head back down against Jack's chest and started looking at the rest of him, lifting Jack's shirt a little to trace his fingers up and down his stomach, focusing on how warm Jack is.
After a while, his hand started to droop a little bit, and he jumped each time his eyes slipped closed, having that feeling that people get when they're drifting and it feels like they're falling. He went back to tracing his fingers up and down Jack's stomach for another minute or two before fighting it was out the window. His hand went limp against Jack's warm skin, his eyes slipped closed and his breathing evened out.

Jack didn't move an inch. He was going to let Alex sleep, even if it meant that he'd be stuck here for hours. That was okay with him.
Just hold out for Friday and hopefully get some sort of answers, some sort of treatment plan set up so Alex could go back to being his lucid self and being the loving parent that he is.
He looked at his phone to see a text from Peter.

Peter: It's been quiet up there, is he okay?

Jack: He started talking, saying all these awful things about himself, but he was referring to me as Jack, like he wasn't registering that I'm actually here. I got him out of it really easily, but he didn't remember saying any of that. He told me he saw stars on the wall, and like hands coming out of his floor. I had him look at me and focus on me, so he did that for a while and now he's asleep.

Peter: Good that he's sleeping. Friday and we get some sort of idea. Thank you for helping him. Tell me when he wakes up and I'll bring you guys some food.

Jack: Okay, thank you.

Peter: I think Rian and Zack are coming tonight too.

Jack: Sounds good, hopefully all three of us can keep him okay.

Peter: Let's hope so. Are you staying the night?

Jack: Yeah if it's okay.

Peter: It is, I don't really want him alone in his room. Try to get him to shower. He hasn't done that in three days.

Jack: I'll get him clean even if I have to wash him myself.

Peter: Good luck. I can do that if you need me to.

Jack: It's okay. I've seen your son naked. 

Peter: Oh my lord. I'm sure you have. Okay. You handle it then if he needs it. He just needs to be clean today. You're very funny, Jack. *eyeroll emoji*

Jack: I do my best. Trying to make a bad situation somewhat funny.

Peter: It made me laugh.

Jack: Alright. I'll keep you posted.