Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

We've Got A Big, Big Mess On Our Hands Tonight

(Song- We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands- The Academy Is)
(TW: Panic attack, talk of self harm/suicidal thoughts)

Saturday.
6 AM. Alex wakes up at the time he normally would to get ready for school. He's got to get used to a routine. His doctor warned that it could take up to a week for the new medication to start taking effect, so Isobel called the school on Friday to let them know, and to make an agreement for Alex to do his schoolwork at home if he didn't feel up to going by Monday. The issue now was finding someone to stay with him, not leaving him alone. Isobel could if she had to, but that left Elise at home which she didn't want. Peter could, but not every day, so that became an issue. As much as he and Isobel needed to be there for Alex, they also needed their jobs to keep paying for the insurance that helped his conditions. America's a really swell place.
Rian offered of course, but his mom Kathi worried about that.
Still, he was an option. Jack offered too, so long as his mom would approve of a week of home studying. The circumstance was sort of a necessity, and the school already knew about Rian needing to be there for Alex. They sort of took it as a student supporting a disabled student. Alex hated that, but that's what it was like. Maybe it might be easier if Rian was allowed a week and Jack was allowed a week, if Alex still wasn't up for going in the two weeks it might take for him to feel okay. That would be a topic to go back to. 
Rian was still asleep, but Jack woke up when Alex did. Alex took Elise downstairs and handed her to Jack for him to hold her until he took his medications.
Isobel opened the two bottles and handed Alex one of each pill and a glass of water, watching him take them.
'Poison...You took them...You're going to regret it.' The angry voice hissed.
Alex squeezed his eyes shut.
'Shut up. I won't regret it. I need them. Shut up.' He thought back to the stupid voice. The other two were silent. They apparently did not agree with the angry one.
'You will regret it. I'll make your life hell.' The angry one was livid.
'Shut up. No you won't. You won't do anything to me. I'll still hear you. I'll always hear you. You're always going to win. Just leave me alone. Stay in your box in my head where I can tune you out. Leave me alone. Please. Let me just be any type of normal again. Please.' Alex begged in his mind, while on the outside, he was just standing there with his eyes squeezed shut, hand now gripping onto the countertop.
'I'll never leave you alone. You'll always hear me. You deserve to hear me. You can't tune me out forever. The other two might not talk to you as much, but I will. You deserve it. You're a burden on everyone around you. You're a burden on your parents, on Jack, on Rian, on Zack, on your daughter. She needs better than you. You're just going to fail her over, and over, and over again.' 
'Please...Stop. Stop it. I know I am. I know. I hate myself every single day. I hate myself. Is that what you need to hear? Does that make you happy? I want to die okay? If I wasn't such a pussy I would've done it already.'  Physically, Alex's legs were shaking.

"Alex..." Isobel said quietly, putting her hand on top of Alex's.
Alex's breathing got faster as his body shook. He was too busy talking to his personalities in his head to even register what anyone else might be saying or doing.
'You should die. Stop being such a coward. It's not hard once you're committed to it. I'll walk you through the steps. It's easy. It's so much easier. It'll get rid of me forever.' The voice taunted.
'That's enough.' The usually quiet one said.
'Get back in your hole.' The angry one snapped.
'Leave him be. Alex, you'll be okay. Don't listen to him. Don't kill yourself and don't hate yourself. We're not supposed to be here, you know that. You'll be okay.' The rational, motherly voice said.
'He's going to snap eventually. When he does, I'll be waiting. Good luck, Alex.' The angry one hissed out.
'Please stop. Please. All of you stop. Please. Go argue where I can't hear you. Please. I'm sure I will snap eventually...Just please...Stop for today. Give me a chance to be somewhat sane again. I can't live like this anymore.' He begged. Outwardly he was slipping to the ground, shaky legs unable to hold him up anymore. He didn't notice.
He didn't notice his mom's arms catching him either, guiding him down slowly rather than him falling completely. He didn't feel his lungs begging for air. He didn't feel his migraine pounding his brain.

All he heard was them. The nameless voices in his head. The ones he couldn't see, but could constantly hear. Like people talking outside a bedroom door, when they were quiet, that's what they sounded like, or background noise of a radio softly playing. 
'Then make it easy and stop living. I'll stop there. Just keep in mind what I say. Remember it.' The angry one finally quieted down, and Alex was left sobbing and hardly able to breathe on the kitchen floor. 
Isobel sat with him, holding his hand.
"Alex come on honey, look at me. You're okay. You're okay." She soothed, opening her arms when he automatically scooted in closer to his momma.
He hid his face in her chest and sobbed while she just held him. He hated himself. He hated this. The worst part is that he's completely lucid. It would be one thing if he was hallucinating something that was causing him to freak out, or lost in a manic state of mind where he just talked or did whatever he was going to do and not remember it, but he would remember this. He knew exactly what was going on. He didn't know how he got on the floor but that didn't matter anyway. 
Jack took the bottle Isobel had made prior to giving Alex his medication and took Elise into the living room to feed her, letting his own instinct take over the insecurities he had about trying to watch over this child. Really, all he wanted to do was hold that boy.
It hurt his heart listening to him sob like that and do nothing about it, but his mother took precedent over him any day of the week.
"Baby what happened?" Isobel asked, one hand protectively on Alex's head, holding him close to her chest, her other arm completely around him as her beautiful boy cried against her over whatever it was that scared him.
"Th-they're mad at m-me! Momma th-they w-want m-me to die!" He sobbed out in between shaky, unstable breaths.
"You're not going to die baby, I won't let you. Not ever. Don't listen to them okay? Was it the angry one?" She asked, trying to let him open up.
Alex nodded, unable to speak for the time being as his lungs ached, trying so hard to get a deep enough breath.
"Okay...We're gonna talk it through okay? Breathe with me first. You gotta breathe honey." 

It was a good five minutes before Alex could suck in a breath, feeling pathetic, embarrassed and insane all over again.
"Okay...Shhh...Okay breathe baby..." Isobel whispered to him, just holding him against her, fighting the ache in her arms that she had from supporting him. 
Alex sniffled, trying to keep his breaths even, not wanting to feel that burning, throbbing pain in his lungs again. He felt so much pain already. 
"Mommy....The angry one tells me I took poison...It's not poison right?" He asked, nearly sounding like a lost child. In all actuality here, he is. He has no idea what's going on, his head is constantly tricking him, never telling him the whole truth. Much like a child imagines and sees monsters in the closet, even if it's just a sweater sleeve poking out, Alex sees things everywhere. Just his mind tricking him again. The difference is that in the other side of his head, the one that came out when he was well medicated, he's a smart, poetic kind of person, kind and able to focus and see things the way they're mean to be seen. See what's real. Right now, he was begging to be in that state of mind. He knew he would be eventually, but the other lost, terrified side of him was out to play now, and he didn't know how to push it back to allow the him that he wanted to be out.

"It's not poison baby...That angry one is an awful, awful thing but he's not real. Okay? He isn't real, and I would never ever ever give you poison. Ever. You're my baby. My only baby. I'd walk through hell and back before I ever gave you something that would hurt you." She said softly, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
"He told me I deserve it...That I'm a burden on everyone...That I'm going to fail Elise...That I should die...It would be easier on everyone if I do, and that he's never going to go away...Even with this stuff he's gonna be there even if I can tune him out and make him be quiet like before...The nice one told him to stop and that I shouldn't die and that I shouldn't hate myself...Even the quiet one told the angry one to shut up....Mommy I hate myself so much...I hate myself..." He choked out that last part, "I don't know what to think...I don't know what to do...Nothing makes sense, I don't know if I'm seeing anything real or something that's not there...I hear people yelling at me all day...They fight about me and it's so loud mommy...It's so loud." He cried against her chest. He was in a good enough state of mind to be honest. He had to be. He had to let it go. 

Isobel had tears running down her cheeks, listening to her son tell her about things that weren't there, but things that had him constantly terrified, things that told him he deserves to hate himself, deserves to be dead. She knew it was bad when he was calling her mommy. Rarely did he do that unless he was really bad, and really scared, just like a child who chose his mommy over anyone else to comfort him because she's the one who's always there above all else.
Rian had come down by then, hearing all of the commotion. He motioned for Jack to bring the baby upstairs, so he did just that.
"Isobel's gotta handle this one. He's gonna be okay, he's just scared. When he's calling her mommy or momma, that's how you know." Rian explained, turning the TV on in Alex's room, putting on this cartoon called the Octonauts for Elise. Jack finished feeding her, then burped her, and laid her in her little Boppy on the bed facing the TV that was mounted on the wall.
He sighed, "Is this ever going to stop? I mean I know it's never going to go away, there's no cure for this, but I mean, people can live normal lives right?" Jack asked, looking at his newest friend.
Rian nodded, "Yeah dude, for sure. It's just the fact that a lot of things stressed him out and set him off sort of all at once, I mean in the span of like a week all while his old meds weren't working before. He'd been on his old ones for almost ten years though Jack, only upping the doses as he got older every few years. So yeah, once he's used to the new stuff, he should be okay. Just right now, he's not. That's all. It will stop though." He shrugged. This was such a normal thing to talk about for him. He'd been at this for a decade now. Though this stuff was easier when it happened less frequently and most times when it did, Elise was at her mom's house. Everything that happened recently over the last month and a half-ish was so much to handle.

"No one is going to hurt you Alex, not even yourself okay? I don't want to hear that you hate yourself either, my love. I know you feel like that, and I know it's so hard to cope, but do you know how strong you are?" She asked gently, switching positions so he was sitting between her legs sideways a bit with his head still on her chest. He shook his head.
"No..." He whispered. He felt anything but strong.
"Well you are. You've gotten through so much baby...You've gotten through over ten years since the worst things have started happening, you've gone through ten years of the same medication working for you. You know that? Ten years. That's a long time. So you just imagine, give this medication a week or two like the doctor said to start really working the way that it should...Give it time and you'll start to feel better okay? Don't give up hope baby. I love you so much, and you know that I'm always here to hold you and love you and tell you how brave and strong you are." She whispered to him, rocking with him a tiny bit.
Alex just closed his eyes, "I'm sorry momma." He said quietly, muffled because he was hiding his face again.
"You shouldn't be sorry for being you. You are my perfect, beautiful, smart, intelligent, talented baby boy. Don't you ever apologize for being just that."

Week one starts now.