Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

Another Boy Without A Sharper Knife

(Song- Yeah Boy and Doll Face - Pierce The Veil)

(TW: Eating disorder and self harm)

(April 4th.)

The ice cream date was uneventful, but Alex stayed down during most of it. He put on his happy face for Elise, but naturally Rian, Jack and Zack saw right through it. They asked Jack in a private text what it was about and he told them what happened. 

Jack: He's really self conscious about his weight. He's been saying a few things the past couple of days about him getting fat.

Rian: Oh boy.

Zack: He's been there before.

Jack: What do you mean?

Rian: It means that he's not in a total manic state, but he's the Alex he always has been with all of the insecurities he wasn't able to focus on until now. Even antidepressants don't make you suddenly stop disliking yourself.

Zack: Yeah. This is gonna be a fun one. He's not really bad. Just self conscious. Don't think he's gonna spiral, he won't. Not like he did before. 

Rian: Yeah, just be super loving with him. Like you would anyone else who's going through shit.

Jack: I know...I just worry about him. You guys have seen him when he's not like...The way he was. I have too, but never self conscious. Before this I'd only ever seen him like, happy and joking and having a good time.

Rian: Yeah I know. He isn't publicly hating himself. He does that in private.

Jack: Oh.

(April 5th)

The last day of spring break was spent at home with Elise, Jack and Alex's parents. Alex had avoided eating breakfast or lunch, but he ate dinner that night. His parents didn't know he'd avoided the first two meals. They'd been working.
He'd taken his weight and gained three pounds. He wanted to lose them.
Jack didn't say anything to him either. Not yet at least. He hoped it would pass. 


(April 6th. Start of school.)

It didn't pass. 
Alex and Jack got up and got ready. Alex got Elise dressed and ready for Isobel to take her to daycare. 
As soon as Isobel left, Alex sat down at the dining room table with a cup of coffee, taking small sips of it.
Jack sat down across from him with a bowl of cereal. 
"Lex, you should eat before school." He said quietly.
Alex shook his head, "I'm fine. Just nervous to go back." He shrugged.
Jack nodded, "Okay..." He sighed a little.
Alex glared, "I'm not hungry okay? I'm fine. That's all. Just leave it the fuck alone. I don't need you trying to force feed me! You don't have to be the hero for poor pitiful me all the time." He got up, dumped his coffee and went upstairs. He went into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, locking it as he did. 
He lifted up his shirt while looking in the mirror and poked at his hips and stomach. 
"God damn it." He sighed. First off, and most importantly, he felt awful for just snapping at Jack. He didn't deserve that. Second, he was getting fucking fat. He didn't want to wear the red pants he'd bought at PacSun anymore.
He stared at himself front ways, side ways, and back ways.
His hips were getting wider.
His stomach was pooching a little more than he'd like to see, and his thighs were a little bigger.
Alex closed his eyes, left the bathroom and went back to his room, stripping of everything he was wearing. 
Instead of the first outfit which was the red jeans, a black vneck and a black hoodie, he changed into dark wash guys denim jeans, a looser fitting grey shirt that hung below the waist a little, his maroon hoodie, and a black beanie. 
He went back to the bathroom and looked himself over.
Better, he supposed. All of his fat wasn't displayed to the world anymore.

Alex went back downstairs and looked at Jack, who was cleaning up his bowl of cereal.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly.
Jack, who was pretty irritated at being snapped at, just shook his head.
"It's fine Alex." He didn't mean to have such a serious tone, but honestly he couldn't be gentle and sensitive all the time. He'd been that way since he and Alex officially started dating each other. 
Alex. That stung him a little. Jack had been calling him Lex at least 90% of the time recently.
Alex nodded, "Okay..." He said quietly, feeling awkward. He looked at the clock, walked over to the living room by the door and grabbed his bag. 
"I have to go home tonight, remember? Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays I'm crashing at my house." Jack said as he grabbed his bag. He felt bad doing that now, but on the same note, he needed it. 
Alex bit down on his lip, "Yeah...I remember." He said after a minute. He followed Jack out the door and to his car. He got in quietly and said nothing on the way to school. 
Still, when they got there, Jack held his hand as they walked inside. That felt nice, but there was tension. 
He shouldn't have snapped like that. 
Rian met them inside the gate and smiled a little at them, "Hey guys." 
Alex just looked down and gave Rian a little nod, "Hey." He mumbled.
Jack let go of his hand, kissed Alex's cheek and went off to get to his first class early.
Alex stared at his feet.
"What was that about?" Rian asked, looking at Alex concerned.
Alex shook his head, "I made him mad." He sighed.
Rian put his arm around Alex and took him to the bench they always went to. They both sat down and Rian waited for Alex to explain.
"He was telling me to eat. I haven't really eaten breakfast or lunch and I didn't want to eat breakfast today and I yelled at him and told him to leave it the fuck alone, that I'm fine, which I am. I told him to not try to force feed me and that he doesn't need to save poor pitiful me all the time..." Alex sighed. He knew he was in the wrong. Still, he couldn't help how he felt about himself.
Rian nodded, "Okay." He started, thinking of what to say for his best friend, "Well...You know you were wrong to yell at him right?"
Alex nodded.
"Okay, so you apologized?"
Alex nodded again.
"So then give him time. He'll come around. He's not going anywhere. Now lets get to you. Why aren't you eating?" He looked at Alex, not noticing anything different about him, even since before he was taking the meds.
"I'm getting fat." Alex muttered.
Rian sighed, "You aren't getting fat. If you were, you wouldn't look the same as you did before you were on the meds, but you do look the same, and quite frankly you're so skinny and lanky that you look rail thin. So please don't worry that you're getting fat. You aren't." He tried to look at Alex, but Alex had just turned his head.
Alex shook his head, "I believe differently." He got up and headed for his first class.

He got pushed by one of the assholes who'd talked shit during his breakdown weeks ago.
"Look guys!" He looked back at the four people following him. Two girls Alex recognized and two guys he didn't. "Crazy is back!" He pushed Alex against a locker.
Alex just stared at him.
"Don't you remember how to speak or are they giving you so many drugs to make you not fucking insane?" He antagonized.
Alex just continued to stare at him.
He got mad at that and punched him in the gut. Alex let out a pained groan and sort of crumpled to the ground, holding his stomach.
"Oh, so you do make noise." He pulled Alex back up and slammed him against the locker, "So tell me when you're gonna freak out again, it made a great video." He pulled out his phone and opened youtube and showed him.
Youtube.
Alex swallowed hard, now he looked scared. 
"Awww. I can delete it if you want...But that wouldn't be any fun." The guy laughed, his friends laughing with him, although one of the girls looked really uncomfortable.
"I'm not going to beg you. If you want to keep it up then keep it up. People are just going to see someone having a mental breakdown and you're going to look like the asshole for filming it and making fun of me for things I can't help. So go ahead." Alex tried to sound strong through that, but he wasn't at all convincing. He truly wanted to beg this guy to delete the video.
Naturally, big guy didn't like being challenged and didn't like the fact that Alex wasn't giving him what he wanted.
He grabbed Alex's hoodie, nearly lifted him off the ground and threw him down so hard that Alex's head hit the concrete and left him feeling so dizzy and so nauseous.
Big guy and his friends stalked off, probably to find someone else to bully next. That's what bullies are good for. They're so bored with their own shitty lives that they take it out on other people.
He got up after a minute and walked to his first class, willing himself to keep it together. It was by no means easy, but he managed, even with all of the weird looks. Even his teacher was staring at him with a concerned expression.
Second class was easier. No one asked him any questions. Still, the weird looks were there.
Third class was worse. People had asked him about it.
"What even happened?"
"Why'd you flip out?"
"You looked crazy, dude!"

That was just some of it.
He didn't answer any of it.
By the time lunch came, he felt like throwing up rather than eating. So much to Jack's dismay, Alex sat there at the table empty handed.
"Lex come on..." Rian said quietly.
"You don't know what the fuck happened Rian." He lifted his shirt a little to reveal the bruise forming on his stomach. His fat, disgusting stomach.
He put his shirt back down, his arms on the table and hid his face in his arms.
"What the fuck happened? Who did that to you?" Now Jack sounded pissed. And not at Alex.
Rian nodded, "Tell us dude."
Alex looked up and pointed at the guy.
Jack got up.
Alex stared wide eyed, "Oh god. Jack...Please don't. Please." He begged.
Jack shook his head, walked over there and stared at him.
"Can I help you?" He asked.
"You can help me by keeping your fucking hands off my fucking boyfriend. I know what the fuck you did. I know what your fucking channel is and I know what fucking video you have up, and now you're hurting him? Keep it the fuck up you sad, pathetic piece of shit. Watch what the fuck happens." Jack had never sounded so angry his entire life. Not even when he'd chewed people out during Alex's breakdown in this very same cafeteria, "So delete it you stupid fuck, and don't ever, ever, EVER, lay a fucking hand on him again." 
He walked back to their table and sat down.
Alex groaned, "Great. Now I'm gonna get beaten up even more."
Jack shook his head, "Doubt it. They know that I know, and if I tell anyone what they've got, they're gonna get kicked off the football team because that's where they're from in case you didn't know, and the stupid girls with them are cheerleaders and they'll get in trouble too. Some of their names are on the comments of that video. It's not hard to call them out." He passed Alex his bottle of juice, "Drink the juice at least." 
Alex was a little intimidated, so he took the juice and drank it down.
Rian just looked between Alex and Jack, "Calm down you guys. Don't argue with each other and don't be short with each other." He sighed.
Alex shook his head, "I deserve it. I yelled at him today. I told you that." He played with the bottle cap from the juice.
Jack just rolled his eyes, "I don't care that you yelled at me. I care that you won't eat. I'm not mad at you. I just don't know what to say without sounding like an asshole. I'm pretty irritated and I don't want to take it out on you. That's counterproductive." He mumbled that last part, "I'll meet you after school to take you home." 

That's what he did too.
After school, he was much more calm. He drove Alex home and kissed him before he went home with the promise they'd facetime all night.

Alex was alone now though. Alone isn't a good thing for him to be.
The first thing he did was go back upstairs and look at himself.
Fat.
Disgusting.
Ugly.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Revolting.

All of these words repeated in his head while he unconsciously reached for the box of blades for his razor. 
He stared at the shiny metal for a minute. 
Nothing else was going to make him feel better.
He'd never cut before, though. He told his dad he never would.
This was just another promise he'd break though. It was either this or another spiral, at least in his mind.

So he pulled his pants down, sat on the side of the tub and pressed the sharp silver to his thigh and sliced, deep and long. He hissed with the pain and dropped the blade on the floor. He watched the blood flow for a minute. It felt good. He picked the blade back up and did it one more time next to the first one. He closed his eyes as he relished in this new euphoric feeling that he'd never experienced before and wondered why he never tried this sooner. It felt great.

Some lyrics rang through his head.
'Another boy without a sharper knife.'
'How do you know how deep to go before it's real?'