Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

Scream In The Dark

(Song- Props and Mayhem - Pierce The Veil. Incredibly fitting song for this chapter I think. It makes me feel things when I write this.)

(TW: Self harm, eating disorder)

(A/N: 20 days from where we left off last chapter, so April 25th now.)
It was Saturday now, so Jack is staying the weekend, and Jack is starting to get even more suspicious of Alex's behavior.
He's held true to his promise to sort of eat more, but what Jack didn't know is that on days where Jack isn't spending the night, Alex doesn't eat any food at all. Just water. Maybe a small snack if his stomach is really hurting, and on nights when he's hating himself so badly that he can't stand it, he's slicing his thighs and hips up. Small cuts this time. He was intimidated by the two large ones that he did for the very first time. God, they felt so good. So euphoric. Alex found his fix by doing multiple small cuts, about an inch or two long at most, but he'd do them over and over and over. His largest amount in one sitting was 34. He counted. He felt so fucking good each time. Like he was releasing more and more of his stress.

Alex was aching to do it now. He and Jack were sitting up in Alex's room watching movies, eating snacks. Well. Jack was eating snacks. Alex was picking at them. Jack noticed. He'd been noticing. Alex wasn't particularly thinner yet, but he did look more sickly. Like he hadn't been taking care of himself. He hadn't. 
He fidgeted next to Jack, aching to release the tension of being forced to eat, because he promised Jack. Except he was only halfway keeping his promise and he hated himself for it. 
He beat himself up each time he thought about it, and he felt the overwhelming urge to do that now.
Elise was asleep, his parents were asleep, it was just him and Jack. No one to worry about but Jack. Although Jack was who he feared the most.
"I have to go to the bathroom. I don't feel good." He said as he shot up and ran to his bathroom. He shut and locked the door behind him. He tried to be quiet as he opened his drawer to get the blade from the box that contained his razor. 
He stared at it, closed his eyes and let out a few slow breaths. He was scared to death, but he had to do it. He had to. It was compulsive and necessary. 
He pulled his pants down, sitting on the floor with his back against the tub.
He stared at his littered thighs, most of the cuts still red and fresh. He was starting to fall in love with seeing that. He stared at his hips, littered with teeny tiny half inch cuts that felt so good.
He didn't know which to do.
So he did both. He didn't watch what he was doing, just positioned the blade on a clean part of his thigh and counted.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
That felt good for his thigh. He went to his hip next to get out the rest of his frustration and hatred toward himself, feeling so so good at the rush that the warm blood running down his leg gave him. God it felt so good. 
He counted the tiny cuts on his hip, not bothering to find a clean spot. He'd open up the old cuts again. He just needed the rush this gave him. The control he felt over his own body.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Thirty. That seemed like a good place to stop.
Alex looked down and smiled. He hated himself for this. He was ruining himself for this but god damn it, it felt so good. He couldn't even explain the high if you asked him to. The release he felt was unparalleled to anything else he'd ever felt in his life. 
Jack knocked on the door, "Lex? Are you okay?" He asked.
Alex's eyes went wide. He scrambled a little, "Yeah, sorry I just don't feel good. I'm sitting here kinda trying to not throw up." He lied. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I'm coming out now. Just go back to the movie, I'll be there in a minute." 
Jack sighed an audible sigh, "Okay..." He walked back into Alex's room and sat down on the bed, putting the bowl of popcorn and bags of candy on the floor next to the bed. He didn't feel like it anymore.
He'd been thinking a lot. Alex hasn't let Jack even touch him past kissing or sliding his hands up his shirt, or touching him through his pants. Alex looked sicker and sicker, less lively. Not horrible, not something Jack could completely touch on, because there were no significant changes in general, but to him, who knew how Alex looked better than anyone else apart from probably Rian, Alex looked sick. His eyes were dull, hair lacked any of what it did before, his energy was at a constant low. Alex slept a lot, even during lunch at school. Apparently he'd fallen asleep in his math class too, since someone made fun of him about it in the cafeteria last week.
He was starting to put the pieces together. 
He didn't believe Alex felt sick either.

Alex hastily cleaned himself up. Sloppy and fast. He disposed of any evidence and came out of the bathroom.
He sat down too quickly though and his sweats tugged on his thigh a little. He winced. Shit. He hadn't bandaged anything. He didn't have time. 
Jack stared down at his thigh as blood started showing through the grey sweats.
"Alex what the hell is that." He pointed.
Alex just stared at the blood, his heart in his stomach, a lump in his throat. He felt dizzy. He was going to be sick. Actually sick this time.
He grabbed the comforter and pulled it over his lap.
"Alex I'm not going to grab at you and force you to do anything but what the hell is that? Because I'm not stupid. You used to be all over me and now you barely let me touch you. You genuinely look sick all the time. There's no life in you at all. Your hair looks dull. Your eyes look dead. Your skin just...I don't know how to explain it but it doesn't look good Alex. You don't look good. You look like you're slowly dying to me and I want to know why the hell you do. Because I can guess, and now I have an even better guess as to why you're hiding your body from me, but I want you to say it." Jack was angry.
Alex shook his head, trying so hard to not cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He deserved this.
Jack stood up, "Alexander! Fucking look at me!" He shouted. 
Alex looked up at him. He had to.
Jack had his hands in his hair, "What the hell are you doing and why won't you let me or anyone else help you?" He asked, pacing the room.

Alex just stayed silent, feeling his leg get a little warm. It wasn't a lot of blood, but it was enough and he wasn't doing anything to stop it. 
"Alexander William fucking Gaskarth will you stop fucking ignoring what I'm saying?! Just fucking look at me and tell me what the hell is happening! You aren't just doing shit to yourself, you know. You're doing shit to me and I don't care that it's not about me. I don't care how much you love me. I care how much I fucking love you and you're hurting yourself and not telling anyone about it!" He ranted, still pacing. 
Alexander. The full name. It hurt. Badly. He wanted to be Lex or Lexy or Babe or Love or Baby. Not Alexander William fucking Gaskarth. That wasn't right coming out of Jack's mouth.
It was time to face the music. He had to tell Jack. Otherwise Jack was going to leave him. 
He shakily stood up and pulled his pants down.
Jack stopped pacing and just stared at the boy he loved littered with healed scars and angry fresh ones. So many. 
If Alex had been doing this for almost the entire month of April, he had to have at least a hundred, if not more little slices littering his skin. His perfect, beautiful skin.
"There. Happy?" He asked Jack, pulling his blood stained pants back up.
"No I'm not happy! Alex...My god. Why the hell wouldn't you tell your doctor at least?" Jack didn't even know how the hell was feeling right now. Not happy. Not even totally angry now that he'd seen what Alex had been hiding.
Alex didn't answer that question. He didn't want to tell his therapist and legally he didn't have to. That's why.
"And what about the eating thing? Because you can cut the bullshit. You put on a good show but not good enough. Even when you do eat in front of me it's still barely anything. So just tell me the truth." Jack's voice was quieter now, but the tone of voice was just. Somewhere between angry and upset.
"I don't eat when you're not around. On days where you're not spending the night, I don't eat. What I do eat is whatever I get at lunch and you already know it's barely anything." Alex mumbled, sitting back down on the bed.

Jack shook his head and walked into the hallway. He couldn't look at Alex right now. He didn't know what to feel.
Angry that Alex lied. Broken hearted that Alex feels this way. Miserable that Alex doesn't want to get help, although he knows Alex well enough to understand why. Upset that Alex lied. Sad that Alex lied. Every emotion apart from happy ones related most to Alex lying. 
He walked back in, "Okay." He exhaled, staring at the broken boy sitting on the foot of the bed looking like he'd rather be set on fire than do this. "We need to talk and we need to talk right now because I don't know what else to do Alex. I can't do this. I can't do this anymore."
Alex's head snapped up. 
"Y-you...you c-can't do this an-anymore?" He wasn't even crying, he was just physically shaking so hard that he couldn't control himself. 
Jack had his hands in his hair again. He groaned.
"No Alex, damn it I can't. I can't do this." 
Alex felt like he was going to pass out.
"Y-you...you..." He couldn't even get it out, he was trembling so bad, his voice was shaking and his throat was closing in on him. 
Jack just stood there. He didn't know what to do here anymore.
Alex forced himself to speak again.
"You're l-leaving m-me?" He asked, staring at Jack like a lost child who needed help finding their way back to where they belong.
Jack groaned again.
"NO you idiot! I promised I wouldn't leave god damn it and I meant it. I can't do this shit with the hiding and lying from me! Even if I couldn't have stopped you, I could've been here for you! I've always been here for you! Alex, you fucking hallucinated spiders crawling down walls behind me, fireflies behind my head, a whole ass human being, and I stayed! I helped you through it all the best that I could! I just supported you! I'm not a fucking professional but I supported you! Why the hell won't you ever just let me fucking help you without a fight?!" He was shouting again. It was good that the walls were thick in this house.
"Because I don't want help! I want to be able to do something for me! I don't want to be the psychotic freak who sees shit and hears voices and has to take pills and be sent away to a fucking mental hospital just to fucking stop myself from listening to the voices in my head telling me to drive into a fucking pole! I like how it feels! I like choosing to feel my stomach hurt because I get to choose it! I like feeling the fucking blade in my skin because it's pain that I'm choosing for myself, not pain that someone's inflicting on me! That's why Jack! I'm fucking sorry!" He shouted back, god he hated himself. Why was he defending this?

Jack picked up a pillow off the bed and threw it at the wall, knocking a few of Alex's posters off the wall and some of his things off the bookshelf.
Alex flinched, backing away from Jack a little.
Jack stopped and his eyes went wide, "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you." He said quietly. He just scared Alex.
Alex just stared at him, body shaking from everything. He felt like his legs were about to give.
"Alex...I'd never hurt you. I'm just frustrated okay?" Jack's anger disappeared real fast when he saw Alex actually afraid of him. 
"Look...I'm sorry I'm yelling Alex...Just...I just want to help you. I want to just love you and be here for you. I just want to support you." He was defeated. He broke. He had tears streaming down his cheeks.
"I j-just w-want to b-be here for y-you and sh-show you h-how much I l-love you and I f-feel like if you had t-to resort to th-this...then I'm n-not v-very good at l-loving you." Jack let himself just fall to his knees. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed into his hoodie sleeves.
Alex stared at him still, but this time with a shocked expression. He made Jack cry. He'd done this to Jack. He was a monster.
"Jack..." He said quietly, walking slowly towards him.
Jack shook his head as he sobbed, his hands moving from his face to put his arms around his stomach. He felt like he couldn't breathe. 
Alex knelt down next to him, "I'm sorry...." He was sorry. How to stop what he'd started, he didn't know. He wanted to, but it felt good. Seeing Jack hurt like this though, that didn't feel good. That felt like someone took a dull blade and jammed it into his chest, twisting and turning it. 
"Don't tell me you're sorry!" Jack wailed out.
"But I am..." Alex mumbled, wiping tears of his own, "Please just....I don't know how to fix this...I don't. I'm fucked up Jack....I'm so fucking fucked up." His voice caught in his throat and now he and Jack were crying together. 
"J-just pl-please come h-here" Alex held his arms out. 
Jack willingly crawled into them, his head on Alex's shoulder, Alex's head resting on Jacks. They held onto each other and just cried. 
What the fuck had happened to them?