Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

If I Tell Myself One Little Lie

(Song - One Little Lie - Simple Creatures)

(TW: panic attacks)

(December 3rd)

It had been a week of zero panic attacks from Alex, zero arguing, just love. 
Jack had been telling Alex when he felt anxious, just like Alex had been telling Jack when he was, and together they worked through it.
This was a good start, right?
Oh how wrong they'd be.
Jack continuing to talk about what happened had opened up a massive hold that he'd closed up, that he'd shoved to the back of his brain and kept safely there. 

Alex was watching Law & Order: SVU on the couch.
Both Joyce and Isobel were downstairs talking about plans to do things for Christmas together, since Elise had taken to calling Jack dada. Joyce wasn't entirely sure about her seventeen year old son essentially having adopted a child, but she didn't hate it either. She was okay with it.
As okay with it as she could be, at least. She did love Elise a lot.
Jack watched the screen, and Alex hadn't realized what episode it was.
Jack watched as a man coerced a little boy with him.
His heart stopped and he felt nauseous.
"Turn it off turn it off turn it off turn it off" He repeated, his breathing speeding up.
Alex had never seen Jack have a panic attack. Ever.
Alex quickly turned it off and put his hand on Jack's back.
"Hey...I'm so sorry...It's off, okay? It's off" He was nervous now too. He felt his stomach sink. He'd done this to Jack. Unintentionally, but it was his idea to watch the show. He did this.
Jack had his hand to his chest, nearly on his neck. His chest hurt. It wasn't like the pain Alex felt, it was like he was choking, and his chest felt hot. 
It was painful. 
"Alex I can't...I can't..." He felt sick.
Alex panicked, he could feel his own airway closing in.
"Jack...I'm so...Fuck I'm so sorry" His breathing got faster. He did this. He did this. He did this.
Jack shook his head, got up and ran to the sink where he proceeded to throw up.
Joyce shot up quickly and went to stand with him, helping him through it.
Isobel's eyes went wide when she saw Alex crumple from the couch to the floor, hands in his hair, tugging.
He rocked himself back and forth as he tugged.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry" He whispered out as he rocked, eyes wide. 
"Hey...Baby calm down...Calm down." She whispered, rubbing Alex's back.
"I CAN'T! I DID THIS TO HIM!" He screamed, pulling his hair even harder.
Hearing Alex scream sent Jack spiraling down even further. This was the first panic attack he'd had in years and he was fucking terrified. He threw up again, his body shaking.
"Mom I can't...I can't do this...I can't do this...I can't be here again...." He pleaded with Joyce as she rubbed his back, "I know. Breathe Jack. Breathe. You're okay. You're not there anymore, you need to remember what to do. You did it with Alex too. Breathe in and out. Slow." She instructed, watching as Jack did it. He was quicker to remember his coping mechanisms. He could get out of a panic attack much easier than Alex could.
They'd triggered themselves. This was a first and it was terrifying.

Jack leaned against the counter, eyes closed, just breathing. Arms crossed over his chest.
Joyce rinsed his vomit down the sink and put her arms on his, "Just breathe." She whispered to him.
In the living room, Isobel was holding Alex now. He wasn't on her lap, but he was in between her legs, his entire body against her chest.
"Calm down baby...It's okay. You're safe. You didn't do it on purpose. It's okay...Just breathe..." She said softly. Alex shook in her arms and tugged at his hair.
"Put your hands down baby. Stop pulling at your hair." She took his hands and took them down. She wrapped her arms around his so he wouldn't do it again.
Alex closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

Joyce took Jack outside for fresh air. That usually helped him. She hadn't done this in a long time and if she was being honest, she was a little mad now.

By the time both boys had calmed down, Isobel sent them upstairs.
"You two relax. I don't care if you talk or not, just relax." She said quietly.
Alex and Jack went upstairs and just laid in bed together.
This was not safe. This was not good.

Joyce sat down next to Isobel on the couch.
"We need to do something. Jack hasn't had a panic attack in years, and now suddenly, he's having them again because he told Alex about what happened to him. He's been holding so much back. He hasn't gotten over anything that happened. He's yelling at me that he can't leave Alex because he's terrified that if he does, Alex will try to harm himself or kill himself again. That's not right Izzy. I love Alex, but this is not okay. We have to sort something out. I know they're not willingly going to separate. We have to do something though. I'm sorry but this has gone on too long." She was fierce, but tried to keep her face gentle.
Isobel made a face, "I hope you're not blaming my son for this. I know I'm not blaming Jack for anything. I think Jack should've been more open with Alex, but I understand why he wasn't, and I agree that it's not right and it's not healthy. Instead of going back and forth between each other though, we need to figure something out that's going to help them." Isobel kept her tone completely polite, but internally she was a little pissed off that it seemed like Alex was taking the blame for this. Alex didn't do anything wrong just like Jack didn't. Alex had his own issues and Jack had his. She knew this wasn't healthy.

Joyce sighed, "I know I can't blame Alex. I'm not. I told Jack he should've been more open with Alex. It's a hard thing for him though. Who wants to tell anyone what happened? He went through years of therapy...I think he needs to go back. I think he's gone through so much being with Alex, and again I can't blame Alex, I won't because he can't help it, but Jack has done nothing but put Alex first. He hasn't been taking care of his own mental needs. He's been avoiding them, bottling it all up and I can't see my son like that again...I think Jack needs to spend more time apart from Alex outside of work. I've already told him that, and he said he'd call Zack but I don't think he ever did. I almost wonder if that was just to get me off his back. I want to trust him more than that though. They both have to be on the same page though. This can't happen again. Panic attacks won't stop. They can't. I understand that, and Jack's therapist told me that when he was done with his sessions, that they might happen again. They might never happen, but they might. It just did. I can't have him suffer through that again, so what do we do here?" She looked at Isobel for any sort of help.

Isobel shook her head, "I don't know." She sounded defeated, this was not going to go well.
"I think we talk to them together. I think we need to sit them down and tell them that this isn't okay. They can't do this to each other. Jack can't keep repressing everything and Alex needs to be more aware of Jack's feelings and needs too, he needs to ask Jack how he is more often. He needs to take care of Jack as much as Jack takes care of him, and I wholeheartedly agree that they need to be able to spend a day out with friends, apart from each other. I think that Alex needs to just stay home and relax with Elise, rather than with Elise and Jack. I think that they won't stop staying the night with each other. That much I won't expect of them because for Alex, that could be disastrous. He hasn't slept alone in a long time since meeting Jack. That might just make everything worse...I want Alex to keep doing his therapy, he's still going three times a week, but it's only for an hour at a time, and Jack is always in the office waiting for him. I think he needs to start going alone. I think it would be good for Jack to go back to therapy too. It's not safe to repress everything. I would know. Alex does, and he explodes. Alex does, and things go bad very quickly. They can't be doing that to each other..." She shook her head.

Joyce nodded, "Let's go talk to them then." She got up and headed up the stairs.
Isobel followed her, nervous.
Joyce knocked, "Boys, we need to talk to you." She walked in. 
Alex and Jack sat up, both looking miserable. Neither of them said a word.
"What just happened, that's not okay. It's not healthy." Joyce started.
Alex shook a little. He knew.
Jack just nodded his head a tiny bit.
"Jack...I think you need to be more honest with Alex, and more honest with yourself...I don't think you know how to do that though. I think you've spent so much time focusing on what Alex needs...You forgot about what you need...You're still my son, still a minor, so I'm sending you back to therapy. You need some help outside of Alex. Okay?" She asked, and Jack nodded again. He agreed.
He needed help.

Alex sniffled a little, his lower lip trembling. He refused to make eye contact. He did this to Jack.
He knew he eclipsed him. He knew he'd drag him down. He finally did it. 
He didn't stop it when tears fell. 
Isobel's heart broke seeing Alex blaming himself, he didn't need to talk for her to know what was going through his mind.
"Alex, I need you to talk to Dr. Cook about this. What just happened, I mean. He needs to know so he can help you. I think you need to spend time apart too...I want you to go to therapy alone. Take yourself, and come back by yourself. Spend some time after your sessions thinking for yourself, reflecting on what was said to you..." 
Alex nodded. He was in no place to argue. He broke Jack. He'd do whatever he had to.
Joyce started up again, "I need you two to spend more time apart...It's not healthy to just be together in this room all the time. Jack, you said you'd call Zack more often. Do that. Spend a day with Zack once or twice a week. That doesn't mean you can't come back and have dinner and time with Alex, sleep over, whatever you need to do...It just means that outside of work, you need to be apart." 

Jack looked up at her, "I don't want to." He mumbled.
Alex looked at Jack, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"You have to." He whispered.
Jack looked at him, eyes filled with sadness and dread, "I don't want to leave you...I'm scared." He whispered back.
Alex took his hand and squeezed it, "We'll be okay...You go with Zack...We talked about this. I'll know where you are and know you're safe...You'll know where I am...Either here with Elise, or with Rian, or both and you'll know I'm safe...Rian won't ever let anything happen to me." He reached up with his other hand and wiped the tears off his cheeks.
Jack nodded, "O-okay." He only agreed because Alex told him to. That might be an issue too. He didn't necessarily ask for permission, but he waited for Alex to tell him what to do because he was terrified of what Alex could do without him. Alex did enough damage to himself even when he was around to watch him and try to keep him in check.
"Jack please don't look like that..." Alex sniffled, "I know I scare you...I know. I've been okay though, right? I'm not thinking that I need to do bad things to myself...I haven't had nightmares...I haven't seen or heard a thing in so long...This is working, what my doctor has me on is working. I'm going to every session, and I've been calling him the second something feels wrong...You know that. You're there most of the time when it happens...Please trust that we'll be okay. We'll do different things, then we'll come back and we'll spend all night doing what we always do...We'll be okay." He squeezed Jack's hand again. 

Jack nodded, "Okay..." He had such a hard time trusting that. He trusted Alex, though.
He laid his head on Alex's shoulder.
Alex wrapped both arms around him and pulled him close, rubbing his back some more.
Isobel and Joyce looked at each other, then back at them.
"Can we agree to do all of that?" Isobel was sympathetic to what was going on.
Alex nodded, "Yeah momma....We have to...This isn't okay..." He closed his eyes, resting his head on top of Jack's.
"Jack?" Joyce asked, wanting his answer.
Jack opened his eyes, "Okay..." He still wasn't sure.
"Jack...Please don't worry. I know that's so hard... I haven't made it easy...You know that Rian is always here though. It's the only way we can work this out...We can't be dangerous to each other anymore..." Alex squeezed his eyes shut, he was having a hard time accepting this too but he needed to accept it. His head was more clear than it had been in a long, long time.
Jack nodded, "We can do that." He looked at his mom.
Both moms nodded, "Okay." Isobel said.
"Get some rest. I want you to let Alex go to therapy alone tomorrow Jack. Hang out with Zack when you get off work. I'm calling your old therapist today." Joyce leaned down and kissed his cheek.
Isobel agreed with Joyce, "Good idea. Alex, invite Rian over if you want to." 

When the moms left, Alex looked at Jack.
"We have to do this." 
He got his phone out.

Alex: Ri, wanna come over tomorrow? Jack and I have to do things differently...We just both had a panic attack at the same time. This isn't healthy anymore. We got in way too deep.

Rian: Yeah I'll come over. We'll talk it through. You have therapy right?

Alex: Yeah, tomorrow's Monday so. 

Rian: Do you want me to take you and drop you off or just come over after?

Alex: Come over after. My mom will have Elise. Jack's gonna be...Idk doing something with Zack hopefully. So it'll just be me and you...I go to therapy at noon. I'll be done by 1.

Rian: Okay I'll meet you there at like 1:30 then.

Alex: Ok.

He looked at Jack, "Ri and I are gonna hang out tomorrow." He said quietly.
Jack nodded, "Guess I should message Zack." He mumbled. 

Jack: Zack...Can we hang out tomorrow? Idk. Get food. Play video games. Whatever.

Zack: Sure dude. Anything.

Jack: Okay.

Zack: Is everyone gonna come?

Jack: No just me.

Zack: You okay?

Jack: Alex and I need to spend some time apart during the week...We just got really messed up together...Its just. It isn't good. I'll tell you about it in person.

Zack: Okay, but you two are okay relationship wise, right?

Jack: Yeah...No this isn't like a break up thing. It's a we're feeding too much off each other's mental shit and we need to spend time away from each other every once in a while to have our own distance apart to focus on ourselves and our own needs, not just each others.

Zack: Okay. I like that plan. Come over whenever.

Jack: I go to work at 9, I get off at 1. I'll come over right after.

Zack: Cool, see you then. Be strong buddy. You're gonna be okay.

Jack: I have to go back to therapy. I wanna tell you what happened. You're my friend and I can't keep burying my secrets and feelings. So if it's okay, I wanna tell you when I see you.

Zack: You can tell me anything, you know I won't ever repeat it.

Jack: I know. Thank you.

Zack: See you tomorrow.

Jack sighed and looked at Alex, "I'll be with Zack. So I guess have fun with Rian." He wiped his eyes.
Alex wiped his own, "Have fun with Zack." 

The rest of the evening was spent just cuddling. They didn't talk. They didn't watch anything.
They didn't even change out of their clothes.
The only thing they did was brush their teeth, then go right back to laying down in bed holding one another.

Jack got a text from Joyce.

Mom: Therapy Tuesday at 5. 

Jack: Okay.

He showed the message to Alex.
Alex nodded, "Good." He whispered.
They went quiet again and stayed that way until they both just crashed out. 
Mentally, they were exhausted.