Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

Watch Me Fall Apart

(Song- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K)

(TW: Talk of self harm and eating disorder)

(April 26th)

Neither of the boys slept that night. They held each other and just cried until they passed out. Come morning, and Jack still couldn't find any words to speak to Alex, and he was staying here one more night, until Monday morning when they'd go off to school.
Alex sat up in his bed with the largest headache he'd ever felt in his life. He looked at Jack, who had his back facing him. He could see him awake and staring at the mirror though.
"Jack..." He whispered.
Jack just shook his head, "Not now Lex." 
Lex. That was better at least. It wasn't Alexander or Alexander William fucking Gaskarth. He couldn't take hearing that one again. With Jack, he was Lex, Lexy, Babe, Love or Baby. That's it. Only that. Nothing more. He wouldn't accept anything more.
"Okay." Alex got up at Elise's cry but stopped to change his blood stained pants into new sweat pants and a new shirt. Jack just stared at his thighs and hips, since Alex at this point hadn't really bothered to hide them. He noticed that Alex's hips and ribs did slightly jut out a little more than usual, too. He'd know that. He knew Alex's body in it's entirety, and his hip bones didn't show that much. It wasn't a significant difference, but he could tell. How much weight had he dropped in two weeks? He knew enough from health class that with eating disorders, and this one seemed like anorexia to him, that people could drop like seven pounds within a week.  Alex's thought process was that Jack already saw the cuts and knew he wasn't eating. He had to be honest somehow. So he changed in front of Jack again. He'd probably start hiding again when he added fresh ones to his already littered thighs and hips, and probably wouldn't take his shirt off again. He hated looking at himself. He didn't even feel fat. He just liked the pain in his stomach. He felt ashamed of himself, and while he didn't actively look back at Jack or say a word, it felt like Jack's eyes were burning a hole straight through him. He glanced at himself in the mirror. He really did look sick.

Without a word or a glance at Jack, he went to get Elise. 
Jack was listening to Alex from the bed.
"Good morning my beautiful girl." Alex cooed at his sleepy daughter with a smile on his face.
Elise whined a little and buried her face sleepily in Alex's shoulder, rubbing her face against his shirt. 
Alex smiled at her, "Let's change your diaper and go get breakfast, yeah?" He started the process of changing Elise's diaper.
Jack rolled his eyes. Breakfast. Right. Food for Elise and oxygen for Alex? 
How the fuck was he supposed to do this? He couldn't sit here and watch his now lackluster caramel haired boy wither away to nothing as he had been for nearly a month.
He heard Alex go down the stairs and open the fridge, then he heard Alex open the cupboard, probably to take his pills. He wondered if Alex craved the food in the fridge and just purposely didn't touch it, or if at this point, not eating was something he'd gotten used to by now. He couldn't bother to get out of bed. How had he not paid closer attention? How could he not have questioned things as deeply as he should have? He fucked up. He missed everything. He knew Alex wasn't eating, but he didn't know it was this bad. He knew Alex was hiding something, but he never thought it was that bad. He never thought it was self harm. How could he miss that? How could he? He was supposed to love Alex. He wasn't a good enough partner if he missed all of this. 
In this thoughts, he didn't realize why his face was wet until he noticed that he was crying, and that's when the sobbing began. How dare Alex do this? How dare he miss what Alex was doing? Why the hell was he feeling sorry for himself? None of this was about him. Why did he deserve to feel this shitty? It's about Alex. Then again, everything is always all about Alex. He didn't completely hate that, and he didn't blame Alex for all of the things he couldn't help, but he'd been pushing his emotions back for so long that he was bound to explode. Still. How dare he make this about himself?

Alex looked up when he heard Jack's loud sobs from upstairs. He felt his stomach sink. How could he have done this? How could he have started this and thought it was helpful? Why was he not ready to stop doing it? He had to call his doctor, but my god he was so ashamed of himself. Jack was disappointed in him. He was scared of Jack. 
Elise screamed and bashed her hands on her high chair when Alex had stopped feeding her, since he was too lost in his thoughts. He jumped a little, "Sorry love." He smiled a tiny bit and went back to feeding her. 
He nearly lost it when he heard Jack's sobs getting heavier and heavier. He'd have to go up there. 
When he was done feeding Elise, he cleaned her up, turned the TV on for her and put her in her playpen with toys, "I'll be right back okay? Don't worry, I'm not leaving, just going upstairs. I'll be right back. Look, Octonauts." He pointed at the TV and watched for a minute while she got completely distracted by it. He hated just throwing her in front of the TV, but Jack needed him right now.
He booked it up the stairs and realized how out of shape he felt. Was this because he wasn't eating? No energy or stamina? He was starting to put things together in his head that he hadn't cared to think about before now, when he'd made Jack physically crumple to the ground in tears, and now Jack was in his bed sobbing. 

Alex stopped in the doorway and nearly lost it at what he saw. Jack curled up on his side, hugging Alex's pillow, his face buried in it and sobbing so hard that his entire body was shaking. His cries didn't even fully sound like heavy sobs anymore, they sounded like screaming in pain cries, or the cries that someone has when someone died. 
Alex teared up, but pulled himself together and sat down next to Jack, putting his hand on his back.
Jack scooted away at first, hugging Alex's pillow against him tighter. He wanted to say no, but through his painful screams, he couldn't manage to get any words out. 
"Jack...Babe what can I do?" Alex pleaded, "Please..." He squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't get to cry here.
"GET BETTER" Jack managed to get out loudly. It was such an awkward sound, too. The way his voice cracked as it resented him talking instead of just sobbing.
"I'm trying! I know I need to! It's hard Jack! I'm so sorry that I did this to you. I'm so sorry." Alex sniffled a little bit.
Jack sucked in a few deep breaths until he could talk. Finally, he turned to face Alex, his eyes red and puffy, Alex's pillow stained all to hell.
"Please...Just go." He whispered. He'd call Rian. He didn't know how to handle this. 
Alex nodded, "O-okay...I love you." He said quietly, got up and went back downstairs to watch Elise. 

Jack sat up, wiped his eyes and his nose and unplugged his phone.

Jack: Rian I need your help and I need it bad.

Rian: What's going on? Alex?

Rian always knew.

Jack: He's getting so skinny. He's cutting Rian. His thighs and hips are COVERED in scars and fresh cuts...He says it feels good...That he likes to control the pain he has, like he has control over his own body and what happens to it I guess...Please just...Come over. I need help. I can't talk to him Rian. I yelled at him when I saw what he'd done last night. I just spent all morning crying and I don't fucking deserve to. Who am I to be mad at him??? Why the fuck do I get to make him feel like shit?? Rian I yelled at him last night. I threw a pillow at the wall and it knocked shit off the shelf and pulled a poster down and he looked so scared of me...I stopped yelling...I know I can't do that but Rian what the fuck do I do. You're the only one who knows better. 

Rian: He's cutting???? I know he wasn't eating much of anything, but shit I didn't know it went this deep. I'm coming.

Jack: Thank you.


Jack cleaned himself up and went downstairs, getting cereal and sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Alex, eating his cereal and looking at the TV with Elise, who was now on all fours, trying to scoot around on the floor, but realistically she was on all fours just sort of bouncing before her legs fell from under her and she was on her stomach, but using her arms she could scoot around the tiniest bit. It wasn't much though. Still an A plus for effort. 
After about twenty minutes, Rian let himself in. Alex looked up "Ri?" He asked.
Rian sighed and sat down on the armchair to the right of the couch, closest to Alex's side.
"What the hell are you doing Alex." He didn't ask. He was demanding.
Alex looked at him confused at first, then looked at Jack, "You told him?!" 
Jack glared, "What the hell did you want me to do! You flat out told me that you didn't want help! How am I supposed to take that? You want me to just accept that answer and watch you bleed yourself out or kill yourself by not eating? Dude you look like shit. I'm going to be really honest here with you Alex. You look like someone in the fucking hospice ward. And it's my fucking fault. I didn't pay enough attention to you and what was happening. I didn't question enough as to why you suddenly stopped changing in front of me or letting me touch you anywhere except above your pants. I thought it was just something that was going to pass, until I saw fucking blood seeping through your clothes and when you flat out admitted that you weren't eating! I'm not even so much as mad that you're cutting and not eating Alex. That doesn't make me mad, that breaks my heart, makes me feel like a complete failure of a partner to you, and it makes me fucking sad. I'm mad that you lied to me. I'm mad that you didn't tell me anything  and I know you Alex, so I get why you wouldn't tell me but on that same note, you were lying to me the entire time. That's what I'm mad at you over. Everything else I just want to help you with." He was crying again. God damn it.
He looked down at Elise who was just thankfully too invested in her light up toys and the show to bother paying attention to the grown ups. 
Alex just sat there, staring at his lap now, biting on his bottom lip and trying to not cry. He didn't get to cry. He did this to Jack. He did this to the person he loved the most apart from Elise.

"I'm sorry." He finally whispered.
Jack groaned, "Stop saying you're sorry." He sighed.
Rian shook his head, "Okay dial it back. Alex, I want you to tell me what you're doing." 
Alex pulled his legs up onto the couch and hugged his knees to his chest.
"I don't know. I feel so out of control Ri. I'm psychotic and have to take pills. They stop working. I have to go to a fucking mental hospital because I can't be trusted with anything, I can't even trust myself. I have to take new pills. Two now, apart from the one I took before. I've been doing this since I was ten years old Rian. I have no control over myself. I never have and it's driving me fucking insane. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of her." He pointed to Elise, tears running down his cheeks, "Otherwise I would've been long gone by now Rian. Long fucking gone. I wouldn't be fucking insane. I wouldn't feel like I have to inflict pain on myself just to tell myself that I have any semblance of control over my own body. I wouldn't be a fucking nightmare to you, Jack and Zack and my parents, and the rest of the world when I inevitably go fucking crazy again and start seeing shit apart from what I see now, and I don't see much of anything now Rian. Almost nothing at all. But I will. And then I'll wish I was fucking dead again. That's all I wish for right now. I wish that I wasn't such a coward. I wish that I could say that my daughter would have a better life without me, but that's so fucking selfish of me because I know she wouldn't. I'm such a fucking failure of a parent, a failure of a partner and a failure of a friend. All I fucking do is fuck up Rian. I'm doing this because I need some, any sort of control over something in my fucking life. I can't take this anymore Rian. I can't fucking take it." He laid it all out, hiding his face in his knees and letting the tears take over, crying as silently as he could to not scare Elise. 

Rian moved so that he was sitting in between Jack and Alex now.
He wrapped his arms around his best friend and pulled him close, letting Alex ruin his shirt by crying against it.
"Hey...Listen to me. Don't talk, just listen okay? First and foremost, you are not a failure to any single one of us. Neither are you Jack," He glanced at Jack, who just sat there almost identical to Alex with his knees pulled to his chest and tears silently falling down his cheeks, "None of you are failures to each other or to anyone else. Alex, I've watched you nearly all our lives. I watched when it was just you having small anxiety attacks, which eventually turned into big panic attacks. I watched when your moods would completely switch. I watched as everything happened when the accident happened. I watched that mania come out in you. I was there when you had your first hallucination, and I was there when you talked back to the voices in your head and then were so confused when I asked you who you were talking to. When you looked around and saw no one actually there. I was there when you started therapy and your meds, and how you went up and up and up, when you could be okay most days. I watched when you came back down and when you went up again, and I watched most recently when things went down again and you had the courage to tell your mom that you needed help. You did that. No one forced you to. You had control of yourself, and you told her all by yourself, with no push from any of us to do that. That was you having control of yourself. I understand that each time you hurt yourself, by either not eating or cutting yourself or both that you think that's control but it's not Alex. It's you being sick. Pills don't fix that you're sick. They just make it not so bad. Still, this self harm is your sickness telling you that doing what you're doing is okay. It's not, Alex. I promise you, it's not. You're my brother and my best friend, and I love you with my entire heart and soul, more than my own biological brother as fucked as that may sound, but it's true. You know damn well when I talk to you that I only tell you the truth.
Right now, you have zero control of yourself. Right now, because your sickness told you that doing this to yourself would be okay, it's now taken over yet again. You're not seeing things. You're probably not hearing voices that often, but now it's controlling you in a different way. This is in no way, shape or form having control of yourself." He said quietly.
Alex sniffled, "But it feels so good Rian...." He was so ashamed to say that.
Jack got up at that point and walked outside. He couldn't handle it anymore. 

Rian nodded, "I'm sure it does. Actually, I know it does, because I know you. You've always liked it when things hurt when you got bad again. That's how I know this isn't you actively choosing this of sound mind, Alex. You need to ask for help again, but no one can force you to do that. You need to make that choice for yourself, or you're going to be covered in irreparable scars, and you're going to turn into a walking skeleton, and I for one, can't stand to see my brother like that, and I know that you'd hate yourself even worse than you do now if you got to that point. So while I can't force you, I'm asking you to please call your doctor. If not for me and Jack or even yourself, but for Elise. She can't watch her dad turn into someone who looks dead, and you're already getting there Alex." He kept his voice quiet, holding onto his best friend and playing with the ends of Alex's hair. The best calming technique. Play with his hair. 
Alex said nothing about the doctor, but he was going to call today. He knew he had to. Rian was right. Rian was always right. Sometimes he hated that. Sometimes he didn't. Right now, he was in between. He was right about Elise though. Alex knew that through and through. Elise needed him. 
"Jack hates me." Alex said quietly.
Rian shook his head, "Not at all. He's afraid of you and for you. If he hated you, he wouldn't have messaged me for nothing. He wouldn't have admitted to me that he needs help because he doesn't know what to do here. He wouldn't have sat here spilling his guts to you just now. Alex, he feels like he's not good enough. He feels like he failed you so badly, that he let you down. He feels like he's not allowed to be mad at you for lying to him, and like he doesn't deserve to be upset when it's you going through this, and he feels like a complete failure because he doesn't know what to do. But how can he? He can't know yet. He's been here for months, and I've been here for over ten years. Yet still, he feels like he let you down." He was going to be brutally honest. There was no other way here.
"He didn't let me down....If anything, I let him down...He's right...I lied to him, and I did it for so long that it almost became natural....I can't do that....I can't ruin him..." Alex sniffled.
Rian nodded, "No. You can't. But you have to help yourself first Alex. You can't make anything right with your relationship until you take that first step in accepting help." 

Alex just nodded, sat up and got his phone out. Dr. Cook had a weekend number specifically for patients like Alex.
He got up and walked into the kitchen. 
"Hey....It's Alex....I..." He sighed, staying quiet while he thought of what to say, "I need help again....No I'm not seeing anything....I just...I feel so out of control with my body...I started cutting myself and not eating...It's been almost a month and I can't stop...It feels so good and I don't know how to stop...I need help." 
He sat silently listening to his doctor's response. 
"Yeah...I can come..." He answered quietly.
He waited for another response.
"I'll be there..." 
He hung up and walked back into the living room, "He wants me to go now..." He looked at Rian.
"Okay, then go. I'll watch Elise." Rian shrugged.
Alex shook his head, "I need you to take me, I'll let Jack watch Elise...He can't take me. I can't sit in the car with him right now. I can't keep being a failure around him...I have to face this first before I can face him..." He ran his fingers through his hair and went upstairs to change into actual day clothes. 
Rian went outside for just a moment to see Jack.
Jack was sitting on the grass in the backyard, plucking at it.
"Jack, I need you to watch Elise." Rian sat down next to him.
"Why." Jack answered without looking up, plucking another piece of grass.
"I'm taking Alex to his doctor." Rian put his hand on Jack's shoulder.
Jack looked at him, "Really?" 
Rian nodded, "Really. You did good telling me. Jack, you aren't a failure in any of this. You're the reason he's going. You and Elise. He's not going for me. Well, maybe a little. Jack, he feels horrible for doing this to you. Just like you feel horrible for reacting to him the way you have been, and for not noticing him sooner, but look at me. I'm his best friend of over a decade, and I didn't pay attention either. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't fail him. You did the best thing you could do, and now he's trying to accept help. All because of you getting help too." He rubbed Jack's back a little, "Now get inside to watch the baby while I get your man some help." He smiled a tiny bit, got up and grabbed his keys, meeting Alex who was now dressed in some jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie with a beanie over his undone, dull hair. He was holding Elise and giving her lots of kisses. 
He handed her over to Jack when he came inside.
"I love you." He said to both of them, following Rian out the door.

Alex thought of the song Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K.
'I was positive that unless I got myself together, I would watch me fall apart and I can't let that happen again, 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been and this is no place to try and live my life.'