Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

We're Almost Here Again

(Song- After The Last Midtown Show - The Academy Is...)

(TW: talk of self harm, eating disorder)

(April 27th)

Today's emergency session was scary. Dr. Cook called Isobel of course and informed her of what was happening, but Alex wanted to tell her the details, so he did while broken down in tears.
"M-mommy I'm so so-sorry...I h-hate myself so m-much...I just w-wanted some con-control over my-myself..." He cried out at the end of his explanation to her. Which of course she already knew he wasn't eating, she just didn't know how to bring it up to him, not yet at least. She didn't know he was cutting himself though, and that made her cry. She asked if he wanted her there, and he said no. He didn't need her to see him so ashamed of himself. She was working a weekend shift too and she needed the extra money. Peter was on a business trip, but he'd be informed soon. 

"How do I stop?" He asked his doctor, sitting on the couch with his hands folded.
"Well, a good first step is doing what you just did. You came to me for help, and once again, you called by yourself. Second, we're going to have a long talk. I want to focus on the self harm first." He got his papers out and sat down.
Alex shook his head, "First how do I stop not eating? I'm always hungry...and I don't even think that I'm fat...I just wanted to control myself some how and food seemed like the easiest way...But now the pain in my stomach feels good...It's been almost a month and I lost 14 pounds and I feel so disgusted and ugly...I hate my body now...I hate it. I want to eat again but I'm scared...I want the food, I always do...At school lunch I only ever eat just a tiny bit and that was all for Jack because I just wanted him to be happy even though I feel like I want to die. I smell food though and all I want is to eat it. I want to eat it so bad. I also want the control over myself too..." He sighed.
Dr. Cook nodded, "Then I want you to start trying easy foods. Your stomach isn't used to getting much food anymore. If it's control that you want, and not to lose weight or change your self image, then one thing you can do is you pick what you want to eat. Don't let anyone decide for you. Let's say your mom makes chicken, but you want spaghetti. Make yourself spaghetti. There's a form of control right there. You choose what to put in your body. You choose how much you want to eat. Even if it's only a few bites. That's control over your body. Can you try that?" He asked with a small smile. Alex always wound up making him proud.
Alex nodded, his stomach gurgling over the sound of spaghetti. He closed his eyes and remembered all the food he'd been turning down, just because he wanted to choose his pain for himself. 
"For the cutting, that's a harder one. I want you to know that right now. I know that I can be honest with you too, you've always liked the hard truth rather than the gentle truth. I don't think you're going to stop immediately, and I'm not expecting you to. We're going to work on it each week. You're going to come in twice a week. So let's start right now. What do you feel when you're self harming?" He asked, looking Alex in the eyes.

Alex sighed, tracing his fingers over the scars on his thighs through his jeans, "I like the feeling...I get so frustrated, or I get anxiety, and it feels so good to get it all out that way...I'm always so stuck in my own head and I can't handle it...So when I see the blood come out...It feels like I'm letting all of that go..." He stared at his lap.
Dr. Cook nodded, "I'm sure that's a good feeling for you." 
Alex looked up at him.
"How about we do this for this week. I want you to try to find another hobby. You sing right?" He asked.
Alex nodded, "I do..."
"Okay, so what I want you to do is start singing more. When you feel frustrated or anxious, sing. Do you think you can try that?" Dr. Cook asked.
Alex nodded, "I can do that..." That seemed easy enough.
"Okay. So let's try that. I want to see you again on Friday. Today's Saturday, so that's six days to start working on new habits and new hobbies. When you find it hard, call me okay? Don't be ashamed to. I know that's hard for you, but I also know you can do it. You're one of my strongest patients Alex. You can do this." He smiled.
Alex smiled a tiny bit back and nodded, "Okay...I'll do that...What kind of easy food to start with?" He asked curiously. The idea that he could actually eat again but have it be on his terms sounded better than not eating at all. The truth was that he just purposely avoided food because he felt like he had no control over himself. It wasn't that he never wanted to eat. He did. All the time. He was just addicted to the pain, same with the cutting. Addicted to the pain.
"Well, soup, oatmeal, maybe sandwiches but nothing huge for now" Dr. Cook shrugged.
"So if I wanted a Panera soup and sandwich that would be okay? The sandwich is just a half one..." Alex thought on it. He was going to commit. He had to. For Elise. For Jack. For Rian. For his mom. He heard his mom cry and he couldn't take that again. He sent Jack into a fucking mental breakdown. Jack of all people. The ray of sunshine in his life. He'd eclipsed Jack's sun. 
Dr. Cook nodded, "I'm sure that would be fine. Just be gentle on yourself. Stop if you're full. Don't force yourself to eat, even if you only get full after a small amount. That's okay." 
Alex nodded, "Okay...Thank you. Are we done?"
Dr. Cook nodded, "Until Friday. See you then at 5 PM." 

Alex left and got back in Rian's car, "He wants me to try to eat. And try to find a different hobby like singing to take out my frustration and anxiety...Instead of you know." He sighed.
Rian nodded, "That sounds like a good start. Easy enough to begin. Are you hungry now?" He looked at Alex as he started the car.
Alex nodded, "Ri...I've been hungry this entire time. Not once have I felt fat. Not once have I hated what my body looks like. I mean. I've made comments about the pills making me pudgy but that's not me wanting to starve myself. That's normal people pointing out things they don't like about themselves. I smell food and I constantly want it. Like, my mouth waters. I just don't eat it because the pain in my stomach feels better. I'm just. Addicted to the pain I guess. When I eat though, he said because it's a control thing that's making me like this, I get to choose what I eat, when I eat it and how much, and to not force myself to eat. So that's a little annoying to everyone else." He sighed.
Rian thought on that, "Yeah. That makes sense. You always kind of have liked doing things that hurt you. So then let's work on fixing it. I'll help you every way that I can. So you're hungry then. Where do you want to go? That's not annoying at all, by the way. It's only right that you have control of your own body, but in a healthy way." He shrugged a little.
Alex sighed, "I know. I just. I always go for the negative, stupid thing to do." He shook his head at himself, "And I want Panera." 
"Alex, you go for the negative because that's where your head is at. If your head was always positive, you wouldn't be who you are right now." Rian turned to get on the freeway to get to the better Panera in town.
"What? You mean fucked up, constantly pessimistic, psychotic, masochistic and a bit vain?" Alex raised an eyebrow at Ri as he got his phone out to see if there were any messages from Jack. There weren't.
Rian laughed, "No you idiot. You. Just you. You're you for a reason Alex. Yeah, you need help with some things. Yeah your brain works differently. Yeah sometimes you go really extreme sometimes, but you're still you. You're brilliant, funny, kind, lovable, caring. I could go on. Jack looks at you like you walk on water and Elise wants you above anyone else, and it's not just because you're her dad. It's because you make her so happy and make her feel so beyond loved. So don't think you're just a nutcase because you are a thousand things more than that. Your sickness isn't what defines you. It's just a small part of you. You have to remember that." He smiled at his best friend.
Alex smiled back, "If I knew you'd be such a damn good therapist, I'd just be going to you instead of having my parents pay this ridiculous insurance fee for me to see the guy I've been seeing forever." He smirked a little.
"Woah dude, I'm just a good therapist for you. And not even that, really. I just know you all too well. I can tell what you're feeling just by looking at you. I dropped the ball this time,"
Alex cut him off.
"You didn't do anything. I hid it really well. As well as I could at least." Alex shrugged.
Rian continued anyway, "BUT. All other times, I know what you're thinking as you think it and know what you're feeling when you feel it. I just know you. So I'm good at talking to you. That's all it is." He shrugged and pulled into the Panera.

Alex got out, Rian followed behind.
Alex pulled out his phone and texted Jack.

Alex: At Panera...Want anything?

Jack didn't respond, and that's because he was wondering why they were at Panera. Was Alex willingly eating? Was Rian just hungry? Was Alex going to just order a pastry or something and only eat half of it? After a moment, he replied.

Jack: Pick 2, cheddar broccoli and Mediterranean veggie sandwich. 

Alex: Got it. Love you.

Jack: Love you too Lexy.

Alex smiled the brightest smile at that. He showed Rian.
"He said it back Ri! He said it back! And he called me Lexy!!!" He could've fucking squealed like a girl. They had a long way to go, but it was a start.
Rian smiled, "Of course he did, you weirdo. Go order your food." 
Alex practically skipped to the cashier and placed his order.
A pick 2 with the tomato soup and a turkey sandwich. It was small, it was good. It would work. He ordered Jack's, and got drinks. 
Rian ordered his and Alex paid. That was a fair trade.
Rian drives.
Rian puts up with Alex's bullshit.
Alex can buy lunch.

Once their food was up, they headed back to Alex's.
"Jaaack." Alex said with a smile, still giddy that he actually said he loved him.
Jack came downstairs with the baby monitor and smiled a little bit at Rian and Alex, "Baby is sleeping." He said quietly and took the food bag from Alex.
Alex nodded, "Okay cool. Thank you for watching her." He smiled a tiny bit, suddenly really shy.
He carried their drinks to the dining room table and sat them down, while Rian carried the other bag of food and set it on the table.
They got their food out and Alex just stared at his for a minute.
He wasn't going to lie. This shit was intimidating. Going nearly a month with eating one thing a day and possibly some snacks here and there, to suddenly looking at a meal was scary.
Rian looked at Jack, giving him a look that said don't stare.
The two of them got their food out and started working on it while Alex just kept staring.
"I don't think I can do it..." Alex finally said quietly, tearing up a little. He wanted to so bad. It looked so good. The constant pain in his stomach told his stupid brain otherwise. 
"Alex...Come on, the doctor wants you to at least try." Rian said softly.
Alex nodded, "I know...I know..." He whispered, his eyes fixated on the food he desperately wanted and didn't want at the same time. Two sides of him were battling it out. Brain and body. Eat it and feel better? Don't eat it and keep enjoying the pain.
Alex popped the lid off his soup. It's soup. How hard could that be?
He picked up the plastic spoon and got a little and put it in his mouth. Good lord it tasted fantastic.
He took another bite. Then another. Then another.
The bad part? Tears were streaming down his face more and more with each bite he took, and soon he was full on crying as he ate. Both his brain and his body were fighting to the death, and he was dealing with both sides as a consequence.
Jack looked at Rian with a concerned look. Rian just shook his head a little. At least Alex was trying.
Alex fought through and managed to actually finish the small bowl of soup, and his stomach didn't know how to process it. It ached but it felt good too. His body felt good. His head was angry.
"I don't wanna do it anymore." Alex said through tears, pushing his still wrapped sandwich out of the way. He got up and went to the couch. He laid down on his side, curled up in a little ball and cried into one of the throw pillows. 

Rian looked at Jack and slightly shook his head again. They were going to finish eating.
Alex was full, or not. He made his choice though. He pushed through and he ate what he wanted. He really wanted the turkey sandwich, but he had enough of the battle his mind and body were going through. 
Jack finished up first and put Alex's sandwich in the fridge, then walked over to the couch. He knelt down in front of Alex, who had his face buried in the pillow just crying.
"Lex?" He asked uncertainly. 
Alex didn't do anything other than cry.
Jack looked at Rian who had now joined them in the living room.
"Go on...Do something" Rian mouthed, gesturing. He wasn't about to do what only Jack could do. See, they were a good team. Jack saw Alex making progress, so he couldn't really be too mad anymore. The lying still got to him though. Either way, he was going to do his part.
Rian is Alex's brother, best friend, voice of reason. Jack is the lover, the nurturer, the comfort.
Jack nodded and did what he'd do literally any other time. He picked Alex up bridal style, then sat down on the couch with Alex on his lap. He kicked his legs up on the couch and maneuvered them both so Alex was essentially laying on top of him.
Alex dropped the pillow and just cried against Jack's chest, even harder now that Jack was actually holding him, comforting him and showing him love that he hadn't felt in a while, honestly. Since he'd started hiding himself away. 
Jack kept both arms around his fragile boy, one hand playing with Alex's hair, the other just hugging him tight. 
"You did so good Lex...It's okay...You're okay." He whispered, snuggling his boy. 
Alex shook his head "I d-didn't!" He cried, muffled by his face being completely pressed against Jack.
"Alex remember? Dr. Cook told you that it's okay to stop when you want to. Even if it's just a little, and to not force yourself." Rian said gently.
"I d-didn't want to st-stop!" Alex sobbed, turning his head to look at Rian.
Rian took a minute to think of anything to say.
"Okay, then take a break. Relax a little. Let your stomach digest what you already ate, and if you still want to finish your food, then it's entirely up to you." He was going to keep pushing that everything is Alex's decision.
Alex sniffled at the snot running out of his nose and onto Jack's shirt, feeling gross but this isn't the first or the last time he's cried on Jack, so that didn't matter so much. 
"O-okay." He said quietly, clinging onto his raven haired boy.
He sucked in a few deep breaths.
"I'm sorry I lied to you." Alex whispered to Jack.
"I forgive you Lex...Just, try your best to tell me when things are getting bad again, okay?" He asked.
Alex nodded, then closed his eyes and fought the urge to run upstairs and take his frustration out in the most unhealthy way. He shook a tiny bit as he thought of how good it would feel.
Rian looked at Jack, then at Alex, "Hey. Sing us a song." He was trying to subtly hint to Jack what the doctor wanted Alex to do. He'd give Jack all the details that he knew of later. 

Alex squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think of a song to sing.

He settled on After The Last Midtown Show by The Academy Is...
It was sort of fitting to how he felt about Jack. 
Really fitting actually. He sang it quietly and slowly, cheek against Jack's chest.

'It's a drunken midnight on the streets,
brightly dusted with a neon light.
We duck behind the corner store,
smoke your smokes while I keep
a watchful eye.
Right here, right now.
I hope before the night is through
one fumbled touch will finally hit the spot.
You've got everything going for you,
so I'll go for you with everything I got.
Right here, the best days of our lives.
Is this coincidence or a sign?

Is there anything I missed?
Is there anything I missed?
Tell me if I'm wrong,
but why would we change a thing?

When the morning light fights through the cracks
cascading across the bed, and you are mine.
When your parents start to wake for work,
between the sheets, I'll keep a watchful eye.
Right here, the best days of our lives.
Is this coincidence or a sign?

When we met I was on my back.
I swear we spent most afternoons
somewhere in the act.
We were part of something ours,
and ours alone.
Anywhere was home.
We're almost here again.
We're almost here again.
We're almost here again.
Right here, right now.'

It worked at least a little. He felt calmer.
Jack smiled a little and just kept twirling Alex's hair around his fingers, looking at Rian with a slightly confident look on his face.
Alex sucked in a deep breath, feeling his anxiety lessen. He missed singing and wondered why he stopped doing it as often as he used to, apart from singing to Elise and occasionally to Jack.

"I like that song Lexy. I miss The Academy Is." Jack said softly.
Alex nodded, "Me too." He scooted up on Jack and nuzzled his face against Jack's neck, feeling it's warmth and smelling his body spray, relaxing against him.
He was so tired. This was so exhausting. Everything was exhausting.
Existing was exhausting. Try to eat was exhausting. Fighting every urge he had to just go hack himself open was exhausting.
Trying to breathe was exhausting.
Life is fucking exhausting.
His body was weak.
His mentality was weak.
His spirt was broken. 
His head hurt.
His body hurt.
Life fucking hurts.

Jack held him closer and rubbed his back, now that his hair was a bit inaccessible. 
All three stayed silent until Alex's body relaxed and small snores escaped his open mouth. 
Jack got goosebumps feeling Alex breathing on his neck.
Rian sighed a little, "God man." He shook his head. 
Jack nodded, "I know...What happened?" He asked.
Rian looked up at the ceiling for a bit, then explained everything Alex had told him. 
"Okay...Don't force him...Let him choose whatever he wants to with food....Try to get him to sing or do something non destructive instead of the alternative." He'd have to remember that. 
"You did a good job calming him down just now." Rian commented, gesturing to his sleeping best friend. 
Jack nodded a tiny bit, doing his absolute best to not disturb his boyfriend, "He likes to lay on me...We pretty much cling to each other all night long. It's nice." He smiled.
Rian smiled back, "He loves you a lot, you know." He relaxed in the chair.
"I love him a lot too. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I think that's why I got so hurt when he lied to me, even though I understand why he was scared to tell me the truth." Jack looked at Alex. He couldn't see his face, but he could see where Alex's shirt had ridden up a bit, exposing his hip and some of the cuts on it. He pulled his shirt back down gently, knowing that Alex wouldn't like his demons exposed like that.