Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

You Fill My Heart

(Song - A Song For The Birds - Eisley. No particular reason, just think the song fits Alex and Jack well. The book is coming to a close soon guys! Not too many chapters left!)

(AN: Idk why I've taken to writing the dates on everything, I like it though. It helps me remember what I'm doing and what my timeline here is haha)

(TW - talk of self harm/suicide attempt)


(February 7th 2016)

All night long Alex had sung quietly to Jack while Jack traced his finger across the large textured scars on Alex's stomach and the few on his hips. Alex didn't mind. It felt good, and he knew that Jack wasn't looking at them like he was disgusted or afraid or anything like that. Jack looked at them like proof that his boyfriend could be saved. Battle scars. 
Alex fell asleep mid song around 4 AM, Jack was already asleep. He'd fallen asleep about four hours before, right around midnight.

At breakfast that morning, Alex looked sleepy but the coffee Joe made for everyone woke him up some. 
"Did you stay up last night?" Jack asked as they sat down on the couch.
Alex nodded, "I didn't mean to. I just couldn't sleep." He sighed.
May came out then, already dressed for the day. Jack had convinced Alex to just wear his t shirt. May could deal with the scars that littered Alex's arms. The two big ones and the smaller ones. Alex was nervous about that, but all the same, he promised himself he wouldn't be ashamed of them. He'd been doing so well at home, so why not here? At home he could walk around town in just a t shirt and be fine, even if some people stared. He was going to try here too. 
He looked down at his lap while May sat on the opposite side of the large sectional couch and sipped her coffee in silence, while Joyce and Joe who were in the kitchen making eggs and bacon watched carefully.
Alex sat his mug down and laid his head on Jack's shoulder, pulling his legs and feet up on the couch. Jack put his mug down too, wrapped his arms around Alex and held him close. He knew how scared Alex was of his sister. He hated it. It was unfair.
Jack caught May staring.
"Can I help you?" He asked, sounding a bit edgy already.
"Nope. Not really." She muttered.
"So stop staring at me then."
"It's not you that I'm staring at."
Jack glared, "So stop staring at him then." 
"I can't. I don't get it. I'm trying to understand what everyone sees in him." She shrugged.
Alex closed his eyes. He didn't want to be here anymore, but he'd be a coward if he walked away, right?

Jack stared her down, "You don't have to understand. You don't have to even try to understand. You do have to not be such a bitch. I mean fuck dude, I'm sitting here bragging about how you and I are so close, and how excited he got because I say it all the time, and then we show up and the first thing you do is criticize him? For what?" He rubbed Alex's back.
"Jack...It's fine..." Alex whispered.
"No it's not Lexy. Stop making it fine. I know you're trying to make a good impression here, but my family needs to make a good impression too. It's not just you and me, it's never just about you and me. It's about everyone here. We're all just trying to have a good time while you get to know everyone, and everyone else has been so nice, except for one." Jack glared at May again.
"I just don't get it Jack. How is it that you talk about this kid non-fucking-stop, about how sweet and funny and nice he is, for like three years straight, he pays no attention to you except to blow you off...Then one magical day he's hooking up with you, and then boom. Psycho. THEN his kid rolls up. Psycho again...And again, and again, and again. I don't get it. Where is the funny and sweet? Because all I see is this awkward kid who's covered in every scar imaginable, and you just stick around to see that? I mean he went to a crazy house for christs sake, Jack." She sounded genuinely confused, but my god her voice was laced with venom. Jack could not understand why.
"What is your problem?" He asked while Alex started to shake as he cried silent tears that soaked into Jack's shirt. Jack squeezed him closer.
May rolled her eyes, "My problem is that you're my little brother and you got sucked into this whole entire crazy thing," She gestured to Alex, "and you like, went off the rails staying with him constantly because he needed a babysitter, and then you started having panic attacks too. He's not good for you Jack. I'm sorry. Alex, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but I don't see it. I see you as the person who's ruining my brother." May's tone was anything but kind.

"May, when the hell are you going to get over yourself?" Joe asked as he brought some plates in for everyone.
"When my brother makes a good choice." She shrugged, "And Alex isn't it." 
Joe rolled his eyes and sat down next to Alex, so that he was in between himself and Jack, "You know he's right here right? You know that he's a person. A human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions. I mean do you not care that you're making him cry, or talking to everyone but him? Another thing, where do you get off acting like you're so high and mighty? When Jack had to come here for your sake, because you wouldn't stop crying for him and mom, it was because you made stupid choices and wound up having this massive pregnancy scare and then a miscarriage because you were being stupid. So please tell me where on the scale of high and mighty you are, because I'd say you're pretty damn low and with every word you say, that scale drops lower and lower." Joe put his hand on Alex's shoulder.
Alex hated his fucking life right now. He wanted to run so badly. He was tense, he was shaking, and his legs felt hot, begging him to get up and run. Where the hell was he going to run in New York though? Oh yeah. Nowhere. He could run to the room, but that didn't get him away. He could just get in a cab and have the longest, most expensive cab ride all the way back home, but that didn't look good for his wallet or his bravery that he was trying so hard to keep.
"I never said I was high and mighty Joe. I said I'm worried about my brother and what Alex is giving him that makes him so special." She took a sip of her coffee like this was casual conversation.
Joyce watched carefully. All she wanted to do was slap her own child upside the head and duct tape her mouth shut, but she also watched protectively, waiting to step in.
"It doesn't matter May. Your brother loves him. It doesn't matter why and it's not our right to know why. All I've seen is this guy being so nice and so ready to talk to us and have a good time. The only one who's been bitter here is you. So I don't know what the hell your problem is, but it needs to stop." Joe was pissed.

May scoffed, "How the fuck do you guys not see it? How many times has Jack been upset because of him? Scared? Panicking? This isn't a healthy relationship at all! How does no one see that? Why does no one but me care?" She sounded so exasperated.
"Because he's more than just the bad things May." Jack said quietly.
"Tell me three things then."
Joe rolled his eyes, "You don't deserve to know." 
Alex shook his head, got up and went to the room, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't do it anymore. He tried so hard to stay and be brave, facing this head on to prove he wasn't just an emotional, fucked up coward. He couldn't do it. He was all of those things.
He laid face down on the bed and sobbed it out into the pillow.
"Wow May." Joe glared.
Jack was mad now, "You wanna know three things? Fine. First, he is the kindest person I've ever met, and if you'd give him a chance to show you that, you'd see it too. Second, he is vulnerable and emotional but that means that he's genuine in what he says, that he's not a person who's full of shit and says things just to benefit himself. Look at how honest he was with everyone last night. Oh wait, you wouldn't know because you were too busy in your room screaming about him. Third, he has the brightest personality. It doesn't matter, even when he's having a not so happy day, he will lighten it up for me, or for his daughter, for his friends. He'll do his best to get into it with us, which then turns his mood around usually. You don't get to judge him May. You have to stop this shit. I mean look what you did to him, he just ran to go cry because you're being such a bitch. What the fuck is your problem honestly? Just lay it all out. What the fuck is your issue." He crossed his arms over his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Joyce go into their room. Thank god for his mom.

May groaned a little, "My problem is that he's literally covered in scars Jack. How fucked up is that. I mean he can't have a bad day without hurting himself? Unhealthy. He hallucinates and hears voices in his head? Extremely not healthy. He tried to kill himself and apparently doesn't even remember it and wound up with a shit ton of broken bones because of it? Not. Fucking. Healthy. I don't understand why you want to be with someone like that. How you've stuck around for a year. Jack, a fucking year, and then he's set you off now too!" She threw her hands up, angry and just exhausted.
"May, it doesn't matter why." Joe said quietly, trying really hard to be the mediator here because Jack was getting more and more angry now, and he could see it.
"No, Jojo. It does matter." Jack muttered. "Who gives a fuck what he's covered in. Who gives a fuck that he's got things going on that he can't help. He CAN'T fucking help it May. He didn't ask to be born with that shit. He didn't set me off either, you asshole. I hid it from him. I didn't fucking talk to him, and I promise you if I would have, I wouldn't have started having panic attacks again. I did that. Not him. What little I did tell him, he fucking sat there and he held onto me and he comforted me, and he talked to me and made me feel so safe and protected, and that was on a day that he'd spent fucking crying over the shit that he can't help. So think about it. Yeah he's got some mental health shit that he literally cannot help, but he pushed that aside which is hard for him, or anyone to do, and he set his focus on ME. Not himself. Not his own issues. Me. So don't you DARE try to tell me that he's anything other than a good fucking person. We all have shit May. Dad even told him about his drinking problem years ago. Should I tell him about your teenage years when you took ecstasy at parties? Should I tell him about when Joe was drunk driving and almost hit someone? Because we all have shit May. Should I go into further detail about how my innocence got taken away when I was six years old and I've suffered because of it ever since? And somehow you're perfectly okay with me when I get depressed or have anxiety. Somehow in stores when I'm staring at everyone trying to make sure I see if some creep takes a child, or a woman who's alone or anyone else for that matter, you comfort me. You make me feel like I'm okay, like it's all okay. Somehow you can fucking manage that but you can't even give a person that you don't know a shot? What the fuck is seriously so wrong with you that you judge someone before you even know them? Doesn't that literally go against everything mom and dad taught us? Doesn't that go against morality completely? All he fucking did was want to come here to meet everyone and do it right. He suggested it. Not me. Not mom. Not dad. Not Joe. He did. He wanted to come and let everyone get to know him now that he is safe, going to regular therapy, doing great in it, and who is safely on the medication he needs to make it that way and all you know how to do is tear him down and I swear to god May, I've never been so grossed out by you in my whole life. Fuck the fact that I used to think you're my favorite sibling, because I sure as fuck don't anymore." He ranted, his tone sharp. 
May just rolled her eyes, "Whatever Jack. I can't stop you but when it all comes crashing down, I don't want to hear about it." She got up and went to her room.

Joe sighed and hugged Jack, "I'm sorry. I love Alex, if that helps and dad really likes him, and I mean mom loves him, so don't worry about her. Let her be stupid. She's either going to come around eventually or she'll stay a bitter person who apparently doesn't know any sort of human kindness." 
Jack hugged him back and nodded, "I don't want to have to cut my own sister off." He stared at the wall.
"I know." Joe was quiet. 
Jack let go and went to their room. He walked in to see Joyce rubbing Alex's back while he continued to just cry into the pillow.
"Lexy..." He said quietly.
"Sh-she's ri-right. I sh-shouldn't b-b-be here" He sobbed out, choking on his words as he tried to speak.
"She's not right Alex." Joyce said quietly, which only made Alex cry harder. 
"I'm m-making ev-everyone fight!" He yelled.
Jack sat down and took over the back rubbing for Joyce, "Come here." He said quietly. 
Joyce got up, "I'm going to go have another conversation with her." She told Jack quietly, knowing that if anyone could help Alex out, it was going to be Jack. She was just grateful that Alex was actually present, not having a panic attack, not actively showing any sort of signs that he wanted to hurt himself or anything like that. He was just reacting the way anyone would when facing this sort of shit. She was proud of him for that.

Jack sat up against the pillows and lifted Alex up since he wasn't moving on his own. Alex curled himself around Jack who put his arm around him, pressed his face against his side and just cried. "I'm s-so s-sorry J-Jack!" He shook as he gripped onto Jack's shirt.
Jack rubbed his back, "Shhhh...Hey you didn't do anything wrong Alex, I need you to understand that. I don't know what her deal is, but it's not okay for her to be acting like that. She hasn't even given you a chance. That's not fair. You came here so open and ready to get to know everyone, and you are. Joe loves you, he just told me so. My mom obviously loves you, my dad really likes you, and I love you. So May wants to be a petty asshole. Let her be. She's not going to say anything like that to you again. I promise you that much. Okay?" He kissed Alex's head.
Alex took a minute or two to catch his breath and stop crying.
Once he did, he sat up and wiped his eyes. They were red and puffy, his cheeks were bright red and soaking wet, his nose was running a little.
Jack reached over and grabbed a tissue from the box on the bedside table.
Alex took it and blew his nose, then wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
He took a deep breath and sighed, "I shouldn't be here." His voice was hoarse now.
Jack shook his head, "You should be. I'm glad you are." He pulled Alex back down.
Alex laid his head on Jack's chest and just laid there for a while in silence.
"We're supposed to go out and see a few things today...You okay to do that?" Jack asked, kissing the top of Alex's head.
"Yeah. I can do that...When?" He asked, looking up at Jack.
"Probably in an hour or so." He looked over towards the wall when he heard his mom again.

"You will never, ever, ever disrespect anyone like that. I don't know what's gotten into you where you think that it's okay to judge anyone, but you're no saint May. You have so many stories that I could throw back in your face that proves that. I won't do that, I'm your mother and I love you, but I will not ever tolerate you acting like that. I don't know what's gotten into you, I know you're worried about your brother, but I know what he's doing and I know who he's with and I see every single reason why he's with him, so don't you dare think for one second that Alex isn't safe around my son. Don't you dare for one second think that Jack isn't smart enough to know who he loves and how he loves them." Joyce was quiet, but stern.
"Whatever mom." May muttered, "Like I said. When the kid goes insane again and possibly hurts Jack, I don't want to hear anything about it." 
"I don't know who I'm looking at right now, because it's not the girl that I raised. Your dad and I are going to have a huge talk tonight. I'm disappointed in you."

They heard the door shut.
Alex swallowed hard again, "Jack...I should just not be here...She doesn't like me. She hates me." He sighed.
"She doesn't know you." Jack rubbed Alex's back.

They sat there in silence until it was time to get dressed. 
Alex dressed in a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie, some jeans and a beanie. He didn't feel like putting a ton of effort in today.
Jack took the time to do his hair but kept his outfit simple too. Jeans, t shirt, pullover hoodie.

They were walking around downtown just looking at things, going in and out of shops. Alex was back to having a good time, walking with Jack and laughing at stupid touristy shit that they saw. Of course, being dumb, they had to buy some. They left the store with I Heart New York shirts.
They got lunch, and may didn't push her luck or say any more stupid shit, but she also sat far away from Alex and Jack, refusing to look at either of them.
In her place, Joe made jokes and had great conversations with them, much to Jack's embarrassment of course. Alex learned what Joe did for a job, he learned Joe's girlfriend's name but she was in Minnesota doing some work with the charity she's a part of, he learned where Joe went to college and some of his favorite things, like his obsession with Maserati's and how bad he wanted one. Alex had to admit, the Maserati is a damn good car. He and Joe had a long conversation strictly about expensive cars and the kind of shit they'd do to even so much as drive one, let alone own one.

It wasn't until they were walking around again that shit happened. May was walking far behind them, with Alex and Jack toward the back. 
Alex turned when he heard something fall to the ground. He saw May bent down trying to get her keys, wallet, some lipstick and phone that had fallen out of her purse. He saw some asshole smack her ass and smirk, "Nice ass" He commented as he reached to try to help get her things. 
She looked scared and shocked and a little angry.
Alex wasn't trying to suck up or anything, just be a good person. He walked over there and pulled the guy away, "Don't touch her shit man, get out of here. That's fucking gross. You don't touch anyone like that. Fucking pig." He pushed the dude who just bitched and walked away, then helped her get the rest of her stuff. He handed it to her quietly and went back to Jack.
He took his hand and kept walking, "Can we go somewhere alone? I love this but I just wanna spend a little time with you where I'm not crying...Just for an hour or something." He bit his lip.
Jack nodded, "Of course, there's a cool record shop here." He caught up to Joyce and Joe, who'd seen the whole ordeal, Joe having a smirk on his face at May's conflicted expression.
"Hey mom can I take Alex over to that record store I like? We can meet you guys back at the house or we could meet somewhere for dinner." He shrugged.
Joyce smiled, "Sure. Whatever you guys want to do. Have some fun here, it's not like you come here often." She reached over and hugged Alex, then kissed his cheek and did the same with Jack, "Just be safe." She and Joe kept walking.

Jack turned the corner with Alex to take him towards the shop.
"Thank you" Alex said quietly.
"Thanks for helping May. She's an asshole and I'm pretty mad at her, but she didn't deserve that." Jack felt guilty for wanting to laugh when it happened though. He didn't find the situation funny, but he did find the look on her face when Alex helped her funny, it was sort of karma. She couldn't totally dislike Alex now. She spent all this time being a complete bitch to him, just to have him stop and help her, despite all of that. He knew she had a conscience, so he knew this would weigh on her pretty hard.
"I would've just helped her pick her stuff up anyway, even without that asshole." He shrugged.
Jack smiled, leaned over and kissed Alex's cheek. 
"I know you would have." Jack smiled as they walked, stopping at a little coffee cart.
Alex ordered a hot chocolate and Jack ordered a vanilla latte.
They walked for a while, finding this store.
When they walked in, Alex swore he was in heaven.
Vinyls on the walls, stacks of vinyls, categorized CDs, cassettes, there was even a photo booth with the record shop's logo.
Alex stared wide eyed, "Ohhh my god." He looked at Jack.
Jack laughed, "I told you it was cool." He looked through the vinyls on the shelf in front of them, pulling out a couple. "Ooo these look fun." He had a Yellow Submarine from The Beatles vinyl, a Lady Gaga vinyl and a Foo Fighters vinyl, "I'm for sure getting these."
Alex smiled, looking through them and excitingly finding a Brand New Eyes from Paramore vinyl. He snatched that one up real quick then booked it to the CDs, making Jack just smile as he followed along.
"Jack oh my god look!" He nearly shouted as he pulled out a limited edition of Nevermind by Nirvana. He snatched that one real quick too.
"Let's take pictures!" Alex grinned, walking to the photo booth.
Jack smiled, shook his head a little and got into the booth with Alex, where they took their four pictures.
A silly one
A smily one
A kissing one
Another silly one.

They took their photo strips and carried them to the checkout so they could pay for their haul after walking around the store a while longer, Alex pretty much Ooo-ing and Aww-ing at everything that he saw. Safe to say he'd be coming back here next time.
They held their bags as they wandered around some more, just looking at everything. Alex had only been to New York once before, so all of this was new to him and he loved all of it. The tall buildings, all of the shops, the busy streets. New York City was fun and different.
After an hour or so of walking around, they met up with Joe, Joyce and May at a steakhouse for dinner. Bassam was working late with his teaching class, but he'd be back at May's after they ate.
Jack sat next to Alex, Joe sat on Alex's other side, Joyce next to May.
They looked at their menus while Alex enthusiastically talked to them about everything he'd seen and the record shop, passing around his and Jack's photo strip. He was practically bouncing out of his seat because of how happy he was, when just this morning he was absolutely miserable.
Joe laughed, "We gotta get you to NYC more often if it makes you so excited! Take you to all the really cool spots." He smiled as he handed Alex his photo strip back.
Alex grinned, "Yeah! That would be so fun. There's so many places here I want to go. I mean, last time I was here, I was like...14? So I mean so much has changed from what I remember and it's so cool." He looked down at his menu again.
"Can I buy you guys dinner this time for being so nice to me?" He asked, looking at Joyce. I mean, he did have the money for it. He barely spent any of the money he got from the state unless it was for Elise and to put gas in his car. His insurance covered his meds and therapy sessions, and rarely did he buy extras or go out to eat, so he had a pretty penny saved up.
"You don't have to do that." Joyce smiled.
Alex shook his head, "I want to though. I'm really happy that I got to come here and I really appreciate you guys giving me a chance here, even though things haven't really been easy or hard to understand the last year. I get that, and I know it's really easy to be hesitant, I mean. I would be too. I just know that I've been working really hard on myself, and Jack's been literally the biggest support I've ever had, and I'm really proud of myself, and happy that I get to show that to you guys, instead of show you how things were before I was getting help. I just really love who you guys raised, and I love how you've been nothing but open and kind with me. I'd like to stick around and come visit more often...So please, for all of that, please let me pay for dinner tonight. Out of everything, it's honestly the least I could do." He smiled.

Joe leaned over and gave him a hug, "Thank you for coming and being so good to my baby brother. I'm glad you're here, and honestly dude I am glad that you waited. I mean I would've taken you in anyway, but I'm glad that you chose to come here when you felt ready to. That means a lot to me. So if you wanna buy me some steak, I'm not gonna say no." He smirked.
Alex hugged him back and laughed, "Good because I'm not going to let you say no." 
May was still completely silent. Oh well.
They ordered their food and ate while everyone but May laughed and talked.
Once they got back to the house, Alex went to go shower with Jack going in after him.
He was sitting on the bed just waiting for Jack to come out. He was in a beanie, his sweatpants and a t shirt.
There was a knock on the door, "Come in" Alex said quietly, thinking it was just Joyce or Joe.
May walked in. He looked up.
"Oh, hey." He said quietly, waiting for the reaming to start.
"Hi." She leaned against the wall.
"You can sit if you want." Alex scooted over.
May nodded and sat down.
"I just wanted to tell you thank you for sticking up for me today...You didn't have to do that, I know I've been really, really mean to you and you didn't deserve that...So I wanted to say I'm sorry." She mumbled. It sounded genuine but Alex couldn't really tell. Either way, she was Jack's sister so he'd take it.
"You're welcome...You didn't deserve to be treated like that by some pig. I would've just helped you pick your stuff up too though." He sighed a little as he thought of what to say, "I just....I accept your apology...You don't have to do that either. If you don't like me then you don't like me...There's not a whole lot that I can do about that apart from what I've been trying to do here." He shrugged his shoulders a little, looking at his hands in his lap.
"I mean...I don't...Dislike you I guess. I'm just a little scared of you." She explained.
Alex chuckled a tiny bit, "Heard that one before." 
"I'm sorry." She added a bit awkwardly.
Alex shook his head, "Really...It's fine. I mean. It's not. I spent all morning in here sobbing like a baby...I just want to know why you hate me so much."
He still didn't look at her. 
May thought about it, "I heard a lot about you and not just through my mom...I have friends who's siblings go to your school...They recounted the panic attack outside when you passed out with your friend Rian...They recounted the whole thing in the cafeteria and how you disappeared for the entire rest of the school year and no one knew why, but my mom told me, and she told me everything else, and I don't like that for my brother...He's such a happy guy and it's not fair to him to have to deal with all of....That." She wasn't looking at him either.

Alex sat for a moment, then looked over at her.
"Do you really think that even at my worst, I didn't think the same thing? I know who he is. I call him my ray of sunshine. I'm sort of a poetic asshole. I write better than I speak, and I told him once that he's this huge ray of sunshine, and I'm an eclipse, taking away all of his light, and he always told me no. For the longest time, I refused to believe him. I'm not an eclipse anymore though. I don't set fire to everything that I touch. I don't break down so hard that you can hear it. I don't see things that aren't there, and I haven't in a long time. I haven't had any black outs since that one. I know you probably hate me the most for that one." He sighed.
May nodded, "I do...I got so scared for my brother. I mean, I'm sorry, but dating someone who can't even remember what he did to himself? I hate that...What if next time you do die, or you hurt him and you can't remember doing it? I don't want that for him." 
Alex nodded, "That's understandable...But what you don't know is that I take two medications a day, every single morning at the same time. I don't miss them. For a while they had to be handed to me so it could be proven that I was taking them, but I'm trusted to take them now, and I do. Then my therapy that was once a week is now three times a week. I even had group therapy with Jack so he and I could talk over literally everything that's happened in the past year and get some closure on it. I told everyone that I know that if I don't recognize myself going to a dark place again, but they do, to not be gentle with me. To not protect me, and instead get me further help and push me to do it. That's the best that I can do though, May. I can't do any more than I already am. Sometimes just doing it is exhausting. I come home and I just want to sleep. I can't though because I have to raise my daughter. I mean do you really think that I'd let myself fly off the rails again? What happened scared the shit out of me. I knew then that I'd gone way too deep, I'd done way too much damage to myself and if I didn't accept every ounce of help given to me, I'd leave my daughter without any parents. Her mom doesn't want her. Letting mine and Jack's relationship shuffle over to the side for a moment, focusing on only her, how selfish would I be to let my daughter suffer that way because I couldn't get it together? I'd be a disappointment, and a revolting excuse for a parent to ever exist. She deserves so much more than what I can even give her now, but I'm doing my best. I wouldn't ever and couldn't ever do that to her. I got so close to doing that, so close to being gone forever, and I refuse to ever, ever get there again, no matter what it takes, whether it's loading me up with every antipsychotic and antidepressant known to man, or if it's some painful sort of therapy...I'd do it in a heartbeat. For my daughter, for myself, for my parents, for Jack, my friends...I'm not going to let myself slip like that again." He didn't know how he kept his composure like that but he managed to despite the fact that he now felt like he was going to throw up.

May just sat silently for a good five minutes.
"Okay." Was all she said.
"Okay." Alex responded.
"Another thing...Why didn't you tell Jack that you had a kid?" She asked, finally looking back at him.
Alex shrugged, "I didn't think anyone needed to know. I mean I'm the gayest kid in school. I slept with a girl at a party when I was way too drunk. No condom, acting like an idiot. She got pregnant, and we didn't speak apart from the baby. We agreed that since she was pregnant, obviously her school would see, so she had to own up, but she didn't want them to know it was me. Again, gayest guy in school. That was an embarrassment to her and she already hated me enough. People she knows went to my school, so I kept my mouth shut. The only thing I hated is that she was telling her friends that Elise's dad was some deadbeat piece of shit. I'm not perfect, but I'm no deadbeat. I didn't tell Jack because I didn't know him like that then. We'd gone on one date. I would've told him if it worked out and we kept dating, but Elise's grandma showed up with her in the carseat and literally just left her there at school with me. Jack found out that way, and that's a way that I never wanted him to. He got scared for a while and didn't want to be around me." He looked up at the ceiling.
"Oh." May said quietly.
Alex nodded, "Yep." 
There was another awkward silence.

"Well...I'm sorry for how I've been towards you...I want to give you a chance here, I really do. I can't say that I approve of you being with my brother...But maybe I can do a better job of getting to know you and we can see what happens from there." She looked at him.
Alex looked back and nodded, "So can we at least be civil now? No more screaming at me? No more me having to throw up because I'm so afraid that you hate me, or no more me sobbing on this bed because I don't know what else to do? Because I get it. I'm not easy to like when the story of me a year ago is all you have to base me on, but I'm not that person. It's hard to explain, but that's not me. This, right here, this is me. This is me being safe with that other part of me locked away and controlled heavily with every type of reinforcement. I can't lie to you, that other me may come out from time to time again, but never as bad as last year. Never. So I am asking you that we at least be nice to each other...You don't have to like me. I'm not expecting that of you. Half the time, I don't even like me. So..." He shook his head, his hand covering one of the big scars on his wrist.
"I'm sorry I pointed those out the other night." She sighed.
Alex nodded, "I'm sorry you did too. Those are scary for me to look at, and they're stuck on me permanently." 
May looked at him again, "We can be nice to each other..." She looked down, then at his hand, "I like the rose tattoo." She offered him a tiny smile.

Alex offered one right back, "Thanks, it's for my brother. He died when I was 10. I was in the car with him when he did." 
May looked sad, "I'm really sorry Alex." 
"You say that a lot."
"I need to say it."
Alex shook his head, "Not anymore you don't. I accept your apology...I just want to be able to see you guys without being yelled at when all I'm doing is trying my best. You know? I think we all are in our own ways...Mine just happens to be a very dark and twisty way, but I am doing my best. Can you believe that, at least?" He asked.
May nodded, "I can accept that...See you after my dad gets here." She got up and left the room. 
Alex laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling wondering what the fuck just happened.