Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

No Matter How Fucked You Get

(Song - Hospital For Souls - Bring Me The Horizon)

Alex woke up after about an hour. He felt sick. He felt like he'd been hit by a truck. His eyes stung as he opened them. He looked around, then looked at Jack who was sitting there still holding onto him and scrolling his phone.
He laid his head on Jack's chest and closed his eyes again.
"I ruined Thanksgiving." He said quietly.
Jack tilted his head so that he could kiss the top of Alex's. 
"You didn't ruin anything Lexy. It's only been an hour. We can still go back downstairs and do dessert with the family if you want to. Or we can just stay up here and snuggle, it's whatever you want to do." Jack spoke gently, giving Alex the choice to do whatever he wanted. He couldn't lie, this panic attack was bigger than any of the other's he had recently. Up until now, they were all pretty small and easy for him to get out of. This one wasn't the same as those. This one was on a bigger scale.
"I want to...Your mom hates me...She thinks I'm insane..." Alex whispered, tearing up again.
Jack sat up, pulling Alex up with him. He sat criss crossed across from Alex. Alex just stared at him, a couple fresh tears from his puffy eyes slowly trailing down his red cheeks.
"My mom does not hate you and she does not think you're insane." Jack leaned over and kissed Alex's nose, "If you want to, let's go back down there. Try, at least." He held out his hands.
Alex took his hands and stood up with Jack, letting him lead the two of them down the stairs.
Alex avoided looking at Joyce, he was scared of what reaction she might have towards him.
"I'm s-sorry" He whispered to her, staring at the Blink 182 logo on Jack's hoodie.
Joyce looked at Jack, who gave her a silent and subtle nod, sort of letting her know that it was okay to talk to Alex.
"Honey don't be sorry, please. It's okay." She said softly.
Alex shook his head, "It's not...Normal people..." He choked up and had to stop to take a breath, "Normal people don't do this." He kept staring at the logo.
"Can I hug you?" She asked.
Alex thought about it for a minute, unknowingly shrinking himself behind Jack. He nodded at her.
Joyce came over to him and put her arms around him carefully, not wanting to scare him off. Jack had mentioned to her before coming here that she couldn't be too intense. He said something about Alex being like a deer in the headlights. Come too close and he'll bolt. 
Alex hugged her back a little bit and sniffled. She gave nice hugs. They were sort of like Jack's, nice and warm. Except Jack's hugs would always be the best hugs. 
"Who's to say what's normal anyway?" Joyce said quietly as she pulled back.
Alex shrugged, "Society." He mumbled.
Joyce nodded, "Well society is wrong about a lot of things. You keep trying and keep your head up, okay? You're better than you give yourself credit for." She backed off a little.
Alex shrank behind Jack again, hiding. He felt really vulnerable and uneasy. Not because of Joyce, she was making him happy by saying all of these nice things to him, he just didn't feel comfortable at all.

"Sweetheart, do you want any dessert?" Isobel asked Alex, who she'd seen staring at her from where he hid behind Jack.
Alex nodded a little bit. The apple pie she always made sounded good.
"Which one?" She asked with a small smile.
Alex pointed at the apple one. 
Isobel got a plate and cut him a piece, "Jack do you want some too?" She asked. Jack smiled and nodded, "Yes please." He said politely.
"Lexy come on, you wanna go sit?" He asked, turning back to look at the beautiful boy hiding behind him. 
Alex nodded. Silent was the way it was going to be tonight. A, his throat hurt, and B, he didn't want to say anything else that might make him sound batshit crazy. He already looked it. He didn't need to talk anymore.
Alex looked at Peter who gave him a small smile.
He wanted a hug from his dad now. Alex moved out from behind Jack, walked over to Peter and gave him a hug, laying his head on his dad's shoulder.
Peter hugged him back tight and kissed his head, "I love you so much my boy." He said quietly, just barely audible to anyone else listening.
Alex just nodded against his shoulder and hugged him tighter. 
Peter held onto him until Alex pulled back. He smiled at his son, then smiled at his granddaughter who was grinning up at Alex.
Alex smiled back at her, picked her up and kissed her cheek, smiling a bit bigger when she yawned and reached back for Peter. She wanted grandpa tonight.
Peter took her from Alex, "Say goodnight everyone." He smiled as she waved bye bye to everyone. 
He took her upstairs to settle her down for her bedtime.
"I'll bring her bottle up in a minute." Isobel called after him, then started getting the bottle ready. 

Standing there with nothing to hide behind had Alex feeling awkward and a little scared. His mental state was really fragile and unstable right now. He slowly backed himself up against the wall, looking around. He was afraid he might see something that wasn't there. That was a constant fear of his. He didn't. He didn't hear anything either. 
Jack walked over to him and wrapped his arms around Alex's waist, "Come here, you can hide." He whispered. Alex did exactly that. He hid his face in Jack's chest, holding onto him. He barely peeked out so that he could see where he was going as Jack walked him to the couch. He sat down next to Jack and laid his head down on his lap. 
Isobel brought their plates of pie over and set them down on the coffee table with a small smile. 
She knelt down in front of Alex, "I love you my sweet baby boy." She kissed his forehead. He offered her a tiny smile in return. 
She got back up and took Elise's bottle upstairs to Peter.
Alex closed his eyes. 
Joyce looked over at them, then at Jack, "I think I'm going to head home so I can call your dad and your siblings." She said with a smile. 
Jack smiled back, "Okay mom. I love you. Thanks for coming. It was really fun." He was cheerful, today truthfully had been good. Alex had a panic attack and the only person not used to it was his mom, but if she kept coming around she'd get there and maybe she'd even learn a few things along the way.
"Bye Alex" She said with a small smile as she collected her things.
Alex opened his eyes and smiled a tiny bit, giving her a little wave.
She didn't take his silence or lack of a goodbye personally, she saw enough today to know that he needed time at this point.
"Tell Isobel and Peter thank you for me." She smiled as she left.

Jack looked down at Alex, "You wanna go take a bath?" He asked with a tiny smile.
Alex nodded and sat up. He took his plate of pie and took a few bites first. He truly did want it. 
Jack smiled and did the same, but he finished his.
He got up and took the plates back to the kitchen. He took Alex's hand and lead him back up the stairs and into the bathroom. "Get in and I'll get us comfy clothes." He turned the bath water on. He left the room to get pajamas for them both.
Alex stripped down to just his underwear. He nearly continued until he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He put his hands on the edge of the counter and leaned forward on it, looking at himself and the damage he'd caused. 
All he could do was stare at every flaw. Every scar. Ever painful reminder of the fact that he wasn't ever truly going to be mentally stable. Isobel was already looking into SSI for him. That embarrassed him. His psychiatrist did say he'd probably never be able to hold a job though. He was always treading on uneven ground with his mental illnesses. He just wanted to be okay for once. That was something he knew would never happen. 
So there he stood, staring at the person that he hated most in the mirror. 
Jack walked in at that point. He set their clothes on the counter and got in front of Alex.
"Don't" He whispered.
Alex stared at him. His facial expression said it all, and Jack had heard this and seen this all before.
"You can't change everything that happened. You can just do your best to keep yourself together. That's all. Just try and know that I'm always here. I'm not going anywhere." Jack kissed his forehead, "Now turn around and stop staring at yourself. It's not going to help." He tugged Alex's underwear down for him, "Get in the tub." 
Alex didn't argue it. He got in the tub and sat down, knees to his chest. He laid his head on his knees. 
Jack stripped down and got in behind Alex.

He grabbed the little cup that they used to rinse Elise off while she was in the tub. He filled it with water, "Head back." He told Alex. When Alex listened, he poured the water gently over Alex's hair. Alex closed his eyes.
Jack got up long enough to get the body wash, shampoo and conditioner. He put shampoo in his hands and washed Alex's hair slowly and gently, giving him a little scalp massage while he was at it. 
He rinsed Alex's hair, then conditioned it and rinsed again.
"I love you" He whispered, resting his chin on Alex's shoulder.
Alex leaned back against him. 
Jack smiled, got Alex's loofah, put some body wash on it and ran it gently on Alex's arms, neck and chest, then down his back. 
He rinsed Alex off again. 
He gently pulled Alex against him so his back was on his chest.
"Just relax for a bit okay?" 
They stayed in the tub for at least an hour. Jack was positive that Alex had fallen asleep again. 
"Lexy..." Jack whispered, nudging him a little.
He pulled the plug on the tub and sat up a bit, keeping Alex's head against his arm so it didn't fall.
"Baby come on, wake up okay?" He nudged Alex a little more.
Alex shook his head. He didn't want to.
"I can carry you." Jack said quietly.
He got up, trying to be careful to not slip. He still kept Alex's head tucked on his arm as he maneuvered himself out of the tub. He picked Alex up bridal style again and grabbed their towels awkwardly with one hand. Alex just went in and out of consciousness. He didn't want to exist right now. He couldn't be bothered.
Alex hadn't done this before, but Jack was learning and adapting to new things with Alex nearly every day. This was no different. He carried Alex to bed and set him down, Alex just curled up into a little ball.
Jack wrapped his towel around his waist, then dried Alex off a bit.
"Clothes?" He asked. Alex shook his head. He didn't want to.
"Okay." Jack went back into the bathroom, dried himself off and put his clothes on. He brought Alex's out just in case.
He picked Alex up again and laid him down on his pillow. He laid down next to him and pulled the blankets over them. He wrapped his arms around Alex. Alex laid his head on Jack's chest and let sleep take him immediately. 
Jack sighed a little bit, then got his phone out and texted Rian. Rian and Zack both were out of town with their families for Thanksgiving, so he hoped he wasn't interrupting Rian.

Jack: He had a pretty big panic attack tonight.

Rian: What happened?

Jack: He was fine pretty much all day, then he told me he was feeling really anxious and stuff, so I asked him if he needed a break, then he told me he missed his brother, kinda spaced for a little bit, he started crying and just flipped out, screaming and crying. It was the biggest he's had in a while. I took him upstairs and he fell asleep like usual, then we went back down and he just sort of laid on me, my mom left, so I took him back up here and we took a bath, I washed him and all that, then he just laid on me some more and fell asleep in the tub. He didn't want to get up so I carried him, I dried him off and offered to get him dressed but he just shook his head, so he's laying here naked under the covers with me passed out again. It only took him like 30 seconds to pass out.

Rian: Not good. I mean, I'm sure he'll be okay. The panic attacks aren't gonna stop magically. They haven't been too bad though until this one. So just keep an eye on him. He'll be okay. Let him sleep it off, even if he does it naked. He's just exhausted.

Jack: I know. I just wish I could make it better.

Rian: You are, just by being there. Alone wouldn't be good for him.

Jack: Yeah...I just wish I could make it all stop for him. I'd take it if I could, if it meant that he was happy. Sad that it just doesn't work that way.

Rian: I've been feeling the same way since I was 10.

Jack: He'll be okay.