Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

You Know I'm Here To Stay

(Song- After Midnight - Blink 182)

(TW: Talk of anxiety, panic attacks, suicide attempts)

(January 19th 2016)

Jack looked at Alex with a nervous expression. Today was the day that Alex and Jack had their sit down session with each other.
Dr. Cook and Dr. Ellis had been conversing with one another and determined that today would be the day that they felt it was not only acceptable but necessary for the boys to rehash everything that had happened and gain some closure.

"Jack? Alex?" Dr. Ellis's receptionist called them. They stood up, took each other's hands and followed her to the office.
Dr. Cook was there as well, ready to step in if Alex began to get too worked up.
The two sat down and looked awkwardly at their laps.

"Hi Alex, hi Jack." Dr. Ellis said with a gentle smile.
"Hi." Jack said quietly, while Alex just lifted his hand in a pathetic wave.
"So we're here now together because we think that it's the right time for you two to go over everything that happened, to talk about it in a safe environment and gain some closure from it. Do you two think that you're ready to do that?" She asked, prepared for any answer that they gave her.
Alex felt that he owed the biggest explanation, so he nodded.
Jack nodded yes as well.

"Okay. Jack, I want you to go first. Go back to when it began please. I want you to tell him each thing that scared you, each thing that had you feeling like you had to repress your own mental state. Can you do that?" Her tone was nothing but soft.
Jack nodded and looked at Alex, swallowing hard. He didn't want to have to do this to Alex, but he knew that it was necessary for them to be able to move on without being constantly worried that the other was going to snap.

He took a deep breath and sighed while Alex looked at him with a mix of nervousness but acceptance.
"Alex...So when I first met you in freshman year, you know how like...Insanely obsessed with you I was. I'd crack stupid jokes with you, try to flirt with you endlessly, follow you around a bit and ask you if you wanted to hang out, go on a date, literally anything to be with you," He smiled a little, Alex smiled back, "You always said no. I was never sure why, and it didn't really bother me too much, I'm an obnoxious enough person to keep trying so I did. Finally you know, you said yes...But I didn't know what was going to happen afterwards." He sighed and looked down.
Alex bit down on his bottom lip.

Jack continued, looking at Alex again, "I saw you have that panic attack with Rian, where he had to sit you down and you literally passed out...That scared me to death. I was so afraid for you. That's when I think it happened, when I started focusing on you and only you. I cared about you for so long before that day, but you always seemed okay. I guess I didn't know what happened when you weren't okay, because you kept it together really well at school and that was the only place I ever saw you. Then you kept having them, and it seemed like they got worse and worse...Then one day, after our date which I thought was phenomenal and made me feel like everything might just be okay after all, your daughter's grandmother showed up to school with Elise in her carseat and literally just told you that you got her, they weren't going to fight you and they didn't want to have her anymore. That scared me even more. I mean, how did I not know that you had a child? First of all, I knew damn well that you're either gay or bisexual, that doesn't matter much, but you never mentioned a baby at all. I never once heard you talk about her, not even to Rian. Never in school. Second, you kept looking at me like you were terrified of my reaction, and I'm sure that you were...I was terrified of what was happening...I was in so deep after our first date, and I felt like I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to. For a few days, I felt like I wanted to. I wanted to walk away and try to forget about you...But with you being you, that proved to be extremely impossible for me. I hadn't chased after you so long and pined over you and only you to be chased off by the fact that at 17, you had a baby. It just took a lot of time for me to think about it." He took a breath, the tears starting to prick at his eyes.

"Then when I started to come around, you were bad again. You were seeing things. You had a huge breakdown in the cafeteria and god Alex, I was terrified. I wasn't in any position to talk to you about wanting to be with you. So instead, I yelled at the people making fun of you. I chewed them out, then after you'd gone home for the day, I kept chewing them out. I never told you that but I nearly got into a physical fight with someone because they were making you out to be crazy, and I know you're going to say that it's because you are, but you aren't. So please don't say that. Then I decided that I wanted to be there, I wanted to help. Throughout all the things that were happening, I wanted to be there anyway. So I was. From a distance, but I was there. I repressed everything even more. I mean how was I supposed to talk to you about my fears and my anxieties, my depression and everything that haunts me every single day when you were going through so much? I felt like that would be selfish of me, that you had it far worse than I did. I still believe that, but I still wish that I would've known better, because maybe we could've had some sort of solidarity early on."
The tears spilled over.

"Then you went to inpatient treatment and my god Alex, I was so scared. I didn't know if I should call you or visit you. I talked to Rian a lot, and I talked to your mom, and they convinced me to come see you while you were there. I was scared then, too. You seemed so okay...But then you told me that you saw spiders crawling down the wall behind me. You sarcastically said there was a mouse then pointed to a mouse that was apparently running on the floor...Then you made jokes about how crazy you are, that if you went outside you'd probably see a UFO. It made me laugh, but I was also terrified. I mean, was this going to be forever? I wondered if I could handle it. Part of me wanted to just tell you that I couldn't do this and leave. I just couldn't though. Again, you just...There's so much about you that I need around. Like you're meant for me, and no one else. So we sat outside and we kissed. We probably even pushed some boundaries there since you were on my lap kissing me.
Then it kept happening. You stopped eating, you kept seeing things. You kept hearing things. It went on for so long...I was there throughout all of it because I refused to walk away from you again...I remember holding you so many times while you screamed at the voices to shut up...I remember when you started cutting along with not eating, and I remember getting mad at you. I felt so angry. You tried so hard to convince me that you were okay, but the fact that you weren't eating had you so exhausted that you were falling asleep in classes or at the cafeteria...I was so scared that once again, I was going to lose you. So I kept everything quiet. I broke down at home instead, or I broke down in your bathroom when you wouldn't see. When you took a shower and I was in your room alone, or when I showered and you wouldn't see me or hear me. Then I pulled it together and I moved on to go back to helping you. Somewhere in between all of that, I got used to keeping it all in and I accepted that I'd never be able to talk to you about it. I did though, once. You were okay that day. Not great, but okay. I told you so minimally about what happened, and you were there Alex...You were so there...I didn't give you all of the details that day, but you were there. You held me. I didn't hold you for once. You held me and you comforted me and I thought there was some hope there." He choked up and wiped his tears. He looked at Alex who had silent tears running down his cheeks.

"Then my mom made me leave to help my sister and all hell broke loose...You were sort of okay...Sort of. Then I told you I had to go and within a few days, I got a call that you tried to kill yourself. That you didn't even remember what you did or how it happened, that all you know is that you were panicking, then the next thing you know, you were in the hospital with a broken wrist and broken leg all the way up. Then you did okay again. You got through the physical therapy, the intensity of your new therapy plan...Your new medication...Yet, I was so used to not talking about it to you, and I was terrified to in case me talking to you about my past triggered you somehow and you went back to the way you had been when I left you. I mean Alex, after what happened I could not leave you. No matter what. I could not be away from you. It's not like we were apart much in the first place, but after that I felt like if I even left you for a minute, I'd get a call that you were dead. I couldn't breathe whenever I was away from you. I was scared to go to the bathroom or shower. Scared to go downstairs long enough to make us food...Alex, I was so afraid. So then, on top of my own anxiety and issues, I was focused on you too. I adopted your depression, your panic disorder, your issues...I was terrified. I was to the point that if you were to kill yourself, I was going to kill myself too. Because there is absolutely no world that I can imagine living in without you...But you kept getting better...Until Thanksgiving when that show set me off. I had been holding it back for so long, that I just...I exploded. You'd never seen me have a panic attack before. Mine are so different from yours too. My mom was angry. I don't know if she was angry at you or what...She even told me that when she was talking to your mom, she sounded like she blamed you for what happened to me, and she took it back...She knows it's not your fault, she knows that I should've talked to you and been more open with you...She admits that it probably would've helped us both if I had been, and I agree. Then you got set off. When that happened, and our parents made us go upstairs...I couldn't even talk to you but I needed to be around you. Like you became my personal crutch, like you were this drug that I've been addicted to and if I left you behind, my world would come crumbling down. They wanted us to spend time apart. I didn't want to do it...You surprised me though. You told me that we should...So we did...I hated every minute of it, yet somehow you seemed to do okay....That scared me even more. I thought that maybe since you were spending more time with Rian again that you wouldn't need me anymore, because Rian's been helping you since you were just a kid...I was scared of that. So not only did I spend every single day terrified that you were hurting yourself, or terrified that you were going to kill yourself, or terrified that you were panicking without me...But I was so scared that you'd forget about me and not need me anymore, and then where would I be? I'd be left alone and alone isn't a good place for me, just as much as it's not a good place for you....I guess the point here is that you terrify me, and we're finally getting into a place where I'm letting that go...But I still have this nagging in the back of my mind that tells me to rush home as soon as I can, to check on you the second I walk through the door and then not leaving you at all when I get to see you. Not that I want to, but when I go downstairs to make food, I'm scared. That fear just won't go away and I just...I don't know Alex. I need you to tell me it's okay. I need you to tell me that you're serious about this and that you're safe, and that I can trust you to tell me when things get bad..." He swallowed hard, terrified of what he was going to say next, "I don't trust you...I can't. I don't know how." He looked at Alex, trying to gauge his reaction.

Alex just stared for a moment at Jack, the tears still silently rolling down his cheeks.

"Alex, do you need to have a minute?" Dr. Cook asked, watching Alex and his body language. He'd known Alex long enough to understand how he operated.
Alex trembled a little bit.
"Just..Hold on." He sucked in a deep breath before looking up at Jack.

"I've apologized so many times to you, just for those apologies to be worthless the second I did something else wrong, each and every time I tried to hide the fact that I was going down again because I didn't want to upset you, I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to be a bad father, or a bad son...I'd been that long enough. Yet all I did was cause more damage, and I know that. I was essentially a ringleader in the middle of a lion fight, and no matter how far I ran from those lions, they came to get me anyway. They took me down. It's like..." He'd written out some lyrics earlier, thinking about things that he'd say when this day came, "I built a house out of matchsticks...It got too hot...And it's my fault. I'm completely to blame for it. Every single thing I had blew up in flames...I don't mean to sound poetic here, or like I'm making light of anything, but I wrote some of this down trying to get my words out straight...Things got too hot, and it was me. I set these fires everywhere with no means to put them out. Each time I knowingly hurt myself, I was just trying to get out, to find an excuse to end everything before I caused any more damage...Before the whole damn building collapsed because of my fires that I'd set...I know that. I accept that, and I take the blame because I knew better. I was so scared, just like you were, but I didn't talk about it. I acted on it too much. I didn't stop to think, and I lost myself so many times that I didn't know if I'd ever recover myself long enough to prove that I'm not just this huge, walking nightmare. That I'm not a disaster. That I'm not some fuck up who's DNA got scrambled wrong and that I shouldn't exist because of it, but the universe wouldn't grant me that favor." He took a deep breath.

"I don't want to die. I don't think I ever really have. I think I just wanted to get away. I can't speak for the me who wasn't mentally present, who let my demons speak for me and act for me. I wasn't me. The me that you're talking to now is not the me that I suppress now with pills and intensive therapy. That other me is locked away. He still haunts me sometimes though. You know that. He won't ever go away...I've just accepted the fact that I have to understand that, and that I have to stop and realize when he's trying to pick the lock of the jail cell I stuck him in on a life sentence. I have to think about the fact that it's not just me in this equation, that it's the me that I want to keep being, the me that I am right now...Elise, you, my mother and father, my friends...All of you are in this mess with me, lost in this forest. The forest of my life that's crowded with roots and vines, holes and ends that are impossible to get out of, so we have to backtrack and try to find our way out again...All of you are a part of that, and I can't let us get too far from that exit anymore. I hope this is making sense. I'm sorry that I don't know how to get my words out properly, so they kind of turn into a poetic rant...I don't mean to...." He looked at Jack who just offered him a small smile. Jack understood perfectly what Alex was talking about. 

Alex continued, "I will never be able to forget that I scared you, my parents and my friends as much as I have...I forgave myself though. I've been working so hard at therapy to try to understand the difference between myself, and the part of my brain that needs help staying in check. My other half, if you will, the one that's locked up and being force fed medications to calm him down. That's how I learned to identify him as in therapy too. He's the other me who's in prison. I wanted to name the voices too, but I like to keep them as Angry, Neutral and Friendly. I think that's the only names they deserve. So...I forgave myself. Even if you don't, or if no one else does, I forgive myself. I have to so that I can move on and start my life the way it should've been started a long time ago. So I can go back to being someone similar to the me that you liked for so long before my life started to unravel. I can never be that version of me again, too much has happened, but I accept that too. I can't strive to go back. I can only work on going forward with anyone who will go forward with me. I can just keep trying my best to become the person that I want to be at the end of the day, a person who can look at himself in the mirror and be content...A person who's not afraid of the scars on his body, or the memories that haunt him, because those are just visions of the past. Stories. Reminders of the goals that I'm setting for myself and my future now. So Jack...I need to apologize and be sincere this time, under the complete promise that I am perfectly, mentally okay right now. Completely lucid. No voices. No hallucinations. No self harming thoughts. No anxiety. In this moment right here, I am calm and collected, and I'm ready to face this head on. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for everything that happened to me. I can't blame myself entirely because I don't control everything, but I can and I do apologize for the fact that I didn't ask for help when I needed to and knew that I needed to. I apologize for not trusting anyone to be able to help me when I knew that I could. I apologize for scaring you so badly that you felt that you couldn't be away. I apologize for feeding off of that and letting us live that way, knowing how unhealthy it was. I apologize for not helping you more when I should have. For not checking on your mental health. It's not that I didn't care or don't care. I do, and I did, but I'm a selfish creature. I accept that too, and I apologize for every single time that I didn't pause to realize that you're a person too, not just my protector. I love you for every single thing that you've done for me, and every single thing that we're doing for each other, and the things that we're building together. The goals we're setting...I love you." He took a breath, trying to get everything in his mind together. 

"To answer what you told me you needed me to say, I can swear to you that I am serious about this. Serious about making changes to myself, and to our relationship so that we can keep growing. Serious about helping you through every single thing and loving you through every single thing. Getting over every bump in the road. I swear to you that I am safe. You are safe. I am okay. The second that I'm not, I will tell you, and if I can't do that and you see me struggling, do not hold back. Please do not protect me. Tell everyone you can so that I can get myself back in check. I can't force you to trust me, and I understand why you don't. That's not something I can tell you to do, but I can tell you that I hope that you start to, that I can prove to you that I'm not just telling you words that hold no merit. I hope that you believe me when I tell you how much I love you, and how genuinely, irrevocably in love with you that I am. You are my entire world." 
He looked at Jack, trying to gauge his reaction now.
Jack reached over and took his hands.

"Thank you for promising me that you're serious about all of this...I promise that I'm doing my best to trust you on all of this...I hope you know that when I said I don't trust you, it's not in general...It's just about this. I trust everything else. I trust how much you love me, and the fact that you'd never do anything relationship wise to hurt me, like cheat on me or anything like that...I know that. Now I just need to work on trusting you with this part of your life too...I think I'll get there faster than you think...I just need you to keep being open an honest with me. I promise I will be too. Okay?" Jack was staring directly into his eyes with a look that was both happy, relieved and intense. The intensity was there because he needed to be able to trust Alex. The trust in every other department couldn't stand by itself forever. 
Alex nodded, "Okay." He said with a small smile.

Jack leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips.
Quite frankly, he forgot that both therapists were still there. He needed to say this for so long, and Alex needed to not only respond to Jack and give him some actual answers, but he also needed to speak on everything that had been weighing on him for what seemed like forever.

"That was really good," Dr. Ellis started, "Jack, how do you feel after all of this?"
Jack looked over at her and sighed a little, "I feel better...I had to say it eventually and either I was going to explode and say it all, or I was going to say it here. I'm glad we could do it here where it was safe, so that if anything did happen, we'd both be okay." 
Dr. Ellis nodded, "Good. Do you feel like you told Alex everything that you needed to?" 
Jack thought about it, then nodded, "Yeah I think so." He looked at Alex.
Dr. Ellis smiled a bit.

Dr. Cook took over, "Alex, how do you feel after all of this?" 
Alex looked over at him, "I gained a lot of perspective out of this, and I needed to. It was something that I needed to hear, and what I said was something that I needed to say for a long time. Personally, I feel lighter. I don't feel so mentally drained anymore."
Dr. Cook nodded, "Good. So I think this was necessary and I think we did this at the right time. Going forward, I want you two to keep communicating effectively like this. You two talked to each other, not at each other, you didn't cut one another off and neither of you lost focus on what the other was saying, then you both responded calmly and collectedly. Can you guys try to keep that up?" He asked with a small smile.
They both nodded.
"Okay, then Alex, I'll see you at your next appointment" He shook hands with Dr. Ellis and made his way out.
Dr. Ellis smiled at Jack, "I'll see you next week Jack. Good job today." 
Jack smiled back, took Alex's hand and walked out of the office with him.
Once they were safely outside, Alex grabbed Jack's hips and pulled him close, pressing a hard kiss to his lips that Jack returned eagerly, his hands cupped on the shorter boy's face, smiling into their kiss. 
"I love you so much." Alex said once they pulled back.
"I love you too." Jack said with their foreheads together.
"Let's go home." Alex took Jack's hand and walked with him towards the car.