Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

If I Fail

(Song- If I Fail - Cartel)

(TW: Self harm)

Alex felt guilty, yet so good. 
He cleaned and bandaged himself up by the time his parents were home.
He took Elise upstairs with him after he'd fed her dinner and made himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich. That couldn't be too fatty, right? He just told his parents he wasn't that hungry from a big lunch at school. What a sad lie. Pathetic. He hated lying to them. Even more guilt, and yet he couldn't stop. He didn't want to stop, honestly. 
He spent the evening playing with Elise on the floor, on all fours trying to show her how to crawl, looking completely silly, and it hurt the fuck out of his bandaged thigh, but it made Elise laugh. On top of that, he liked the stinging of the friction of his wound against his jeans. 
By the time bedtime came, he got her bathed and dressed and tucked into bed after rocking her and singing her songs. Tonight's song was How To Save A Life by The Fray. Sad, but it was stuck in his head and relatable to him. He felt sad.

He went back into his room, sat on the foot of his bed, his elbows rested on his knees, his head in his hands.
"What the fuck am I doing" He sighed, willing himself not to cry. He wouldn't cry.
What if Jack found out? Obviously he would. They had sex often. They were naked around each other a lot.
Does he confess? Does he keep it secret for now?
He was torn.
He'd keep his secret for now.
Maybe he wouldn't even cut again if he could help it. Maybe he could do it. Maybe he'd force himself to eat. That would work, right? He could do it for Jack. He had to.
'Oh how wrong you are'
Oh god. 
"Shut the fuck up. Not today. Go back in your fucking hole. I swear to fucking god I will jump off a fucking cliff if you fucking come back you piece of shit. Be like the others and keep fucking quiet." Alex hissed quietly at the mean voice. The other two were quiet. The only reason the asshole ever got through was because he was the most intense.
'But you loved it. You like your stomach rumbling. You like the blood.'
"I fucking know I do but I can't. I have a child for christ's sake. I have Jack. I have friends. I have a fucking family. So I'll work out to not be fucking fat. I have to eat. I can't not eat. I can't fucking slice myself open." He groaned.
'Good luck with that buddy...You already opened the floodgates and I didn't even have to help this time. I get to just sit back and enjoy the show. Going back to my hiding place now. See you next time.'
"Stay the fuck out of my fucking head." Alex glared, talking to nothing physical, staring at the ceiling. 
'I can't, I live here too.' The voice was quieter this time before Alex's head went silent again.
Alex wiped the tears that went down his cheeks, got up and grabbed some sweats and a shirt. He went to the bathroom and got in the shower, cringing as the hot water touched his cuts. He was glad they were thin. Long, but thin. They'd heal cleanly and only be thin, white scars. That was good to know.
Maybe if he did smaller cuts, they wouldn't scar at all and he could do whatever he wanted.

That was dangerous to think that. 
He shook the thought from his mind and washed his hair, then his body, avoiding the bruise forming on his torso.
Alex was desperate to talk to Jack. He missed him, despite the drama from today. He got out of the shower, dried off and got dressed, blow dried his hair and practically ran to his bed. He laid down on his side and facetimed Jack.
He didn't answer.
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
Alex's breathing sped up a little as his heart dropped.
He called again. Still no answer.

Alex: Jack..Do you hate me? Are you mad at me? Please answer me...Please.

No answer.

Alex: PLEASE What did I do? I'm sorry I yelled at you I'm so sorry please please please Jack I'll eat more I swear please please don't be mad at me.

No answer.

Fuck it.
Alex was shaking. He got up and nearly ran to the bathroom, eager to get his new fix. 
He reached for his new friend, sat down on the edge of the tub again, but this time, he made multiple little cuts on his hip, closing his eyes and exhaling the bad feelings out, inhaling the relief he felt in. Easy to hide. Easy to heal.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

He counted, looking the bleeding cuts over before pressing a wad of toilet paper against them. They were close together, so he got one of the large wound bandages and put it over them. He breathed a sigh of relief. The pain was a good distraction from the emotional stress.
This wasn't good. He knew that. Dr. Cook wouldn't be happy with him. 
Oh well.
He got up and went back to his bed, feeling better. Worse, yet better.
He was afraid to look at his phone.

One missed facetime from JackyBoy. He'd changed Jack's name in his phone.
"Shit." He sighed. Idiot.
He looked at his texts.

Jack: Babe calm down I was talking to my mom then I took a shower. I didn't think you were in bed yet. Sorry. I'm not mad at you. I do want you to eat more, but calm down. Why didn't you answer?

Alex: I went to the bathroom.

Well it wasn't a lie.

Alex's phone went off. 
He answered it with a small smile.
"Hi" He said quietly, seeing Jack who was sitting up in his bed, back against the pillows. Alex could hear the TV in the background.
"Hi Lexy." Jack smiled, "What are you doing?"
Alex rolled over onto his back and held his phone at an angle that wouldn't give him a double chin, "Well earlier, I was playing with Elise, then we ate dinner, then I gave Elise a bath and put Elise to bed, took a shower, and then waited for you and freaked out when you didn't answer." He smirked, "I'm just so used to you being here all the time now that I didn't realize that you could be doing anything different. Like right now, I'm expecting you to be in this bed with me. It makes me sad that you're not." He sighed a little.
Jack nodded, "It makes me sad that I'm not either, but my mom can't have me move out so quickly," He laughed a little bit, "And I think it's good if we're not solely attached to each other. I mean in every way, yes, but with this one thing I think it's good to have our own space here and there." He shrugged.
Alex nodded, "I hate it but I know...I get way too clingy and you need time for yourself." He bit his lip a little, rolling back to his side, propping his phone against Jack's pillow.

"Don't hate it love, you're not too clingy either. I just think that it's good to breathe without breathing down each other's necks. That's how we're gonna get irritated and mad at each other more often than we should and I don't want that, you know?" Jack rolled over and propped his phone against the pillow too. He'd say Alex's pillow but Alex had only been to Jack's a few times to get him more clothes. 
Alex nodded, "I know." He whispered, feeling sad anyway.
"What did you eat for dinner? I had Taco Bell." He grinned.
Alex smiled, "Of course you did. I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Extra peanut butter."
"That sounds good, I like peanut butter and nutella sandwiches." Jack was happy to hear that Alex actually ate something. He wished Alex would've eaten more, considering he's seen Alex eat. He could eat well. Still, it was better than nothing at all. He was still just confused on this whole quick switch from being okay-ish with himself to hating himself in a matter of a few days.
He knew what caused it, Alex's mental illness, he just wanted to know how or if Alex could get out of it.
"Yeah, those are good too. Are you picking me up for school tomorrow?" Alex nuzzled his face against his pillow a little.
"Nah I thought I'd make you walk." Jack smirked.
Alex rolled his eyes, "Yeah right. I'm so cute that I'd get kidnapped." 
Jack laughed, "That's probably true. You are way too fucking cute. I miss you. I want kisses." He pouted.
"You're the one who decided to stay home...I want you too. So bad." Alex closed his eyes just thinking about it. He wanted more than just kisses.
"God damn it. Don't make me come over there." Jack joked.
Alex smirked, "I'll just handle myself later, loverboy." He also wanted to say 'Plus you can't see my legs and hips' but obviously he didn't. Jack would see eventually though.

They talked for a good four hours, about nothing and everything all at once. Mostly stupid shit like movies, and things they'd done together, tv shows they wanna watch but can't watch separately because they want to watch them together, which Avenger is the best Avenger, DC versus Marvel, despite the fact that Alex loves both. 
At around midnight, Jack yawned and Alex followed through with a yawn of his own.
"Go to sleep love." Jack said quietly, eyes closed.
Alex shook his head, "No you." 
Jack opened his eyes, "Sing to me then." 
Alex smiled, "What song?"
Jack sighed, "Hmmm...." He thought for a moment and Alex waited patiently.
"I like when you sing Cartel the best since you love them so much." Jack finally said after about three minutes.
Alex nodded, "Okay. I'll sing If I Fail." He shrugged and started it. While it's a loud song, he slowed it down and sang it way softer. Essentially taking Cartel's song and making it his own.

'Time to go, "This is goodbye"

She said "Does it ever get easier to live like this"
And kiss the cheek
For I can't kiss you anymore
And I, I would honestly love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know
We can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

I could put my trust in giving up the heart
It makes the difference
And how can you afford to settle down
When I, I would promise to love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

(It's better than silence)
(Give me one good reason)

It's better than silence (you know)
Give me one good reason (you know)
To leave this in silence (you know)
No, you don't have a good reason (you know)

If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

It's better than silence
It's better than silence'

By the time he was done, Jack looked so sleepy.
"Go to sleep. I love you so much." Alex said quietly.
"I love you too. So so much. I just want you to always know that okay? Don't forget it, even when you're sad, even if we're irritated or mad with each other okay? Don't ever ever ever ever forget how much I love you. You're my best friend Lex." Jack smiled a little.
"Don't hang up. Just go to sleep. I love you too, you're my best friend too." Alex yawned, plugged his phone in and kept it against the pillow.
He watched as Jack fell asleep and smiled a tiny bit.
He sighed quietly and just watched Jack for a bit before closing his eyes, letting sleep take him over. 
He was fucked and he knew it. 

"ALEX!" Jack shouted from the facetime call that were still connected to.
"ALEX ALEX ALEX ALEX" He yelled until Alex jumped and opened his eyes, panicking and hyperventilating.
"Calm down Lex, it was just me trying to wake you up. Look at me, look at me right now." Jack instructed.
Alex looked, staring wide eyed at Jack through the screen.
"You were having a nightmare. You were crying." Jack said softly.
Alex reached up to wipe his eyes. Huh. He was crying.
He didn't remember the nightmare.
"I don't remember." Alex closed his eyes again and tried to compose himself.
Jack nodded, "That's okay. I just wanted to get you out of it. You're safe okay?" 
Alex sighed, "I'd be safer if you were here. I don't like this Jack...I don't like it at all. I get why we need it, but I don't like it. I sleep good when you're with me." 
Jack smiled a little, "I do too. Come on, try to go back to sleep. Just close your eyes with me." 
Alex nodded, "Okay." He closed his eyes.
Jack closed his too.
This system was better than nothing, but my god how badly the both of them just wanted to be in the same bed with each other was ridiculous.