Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

Loving Can Hurt Sometimes

(Song- Photograph - Ed Sheeran)

(TW- Talk of self harm)

The second Jack got to Alex's house in the morning, Alex who was still undressed and just in his sweatpants and shirt booked it down the stairs and nearly knocked the wind out of Jack as he clung on.
Jack wrapped his arms around his boy and held him close, "Hey you." He kissed the shorter boy's head. Alex buried his face in Jack's chest, just gripping onto him. He missed him. This reminded him of when he had to leave and get help. He and Jack weren't as attached then as they are now though, so now it felt even worse, and it was just one night.
Jack glanced over at Isobel who smiled a little but always held that concerned look on her face that she did for her son. She picked up Elise's carseat, "Say bye bye dada." She smiled.
Alex kept his face firmly against Jack's chest, but moved a bit so he could see Elise, "Bye baby I love you so much. I'll see you after daycare." He smiled at her, then immediately hid his face again. 
Jack awkwardly maneuvered the two of them to the couch. He lifted Alex up and sat down, Alex on his lap.
"What's going on Lex?" He asked, rubbing Alex's back.
"I missed you." Alex mumbled.
"I missed you too but I'm right here and I'm gonna be here tonight. It's okay." He smiled a little.
Alex sighed, "I know." He didn't move his face. He just wanted to be with Jack and only Jack and that was all that mattered right now. 
"Hey you're okay Lex. I'm right here." It kind of concerned Jack how attached Alex was after only one night, then again, they did have a bit of an argument yesterday. Maybe that was it. 
Alex shook his head, "I don't wanna go to school." He mumbled.
"Babe we have to. It's only the second day back. We can't miss it. Go get dressed." Jack kissed his head again.
Alex just sat there.
"I'll carry you up there myself. Go get dressed, I'll wait for you. If you get dressed now, we have time to go to Starbucks." Jack bribed with a little smirk. 
Alex sighed, "Fine." He got up and jogged upstairs. 

He stared through his closet on what to wear. If he was getting Starbucks, that would be a lot of calories.
"Stop thinking like that." He whispered to himself as he rooted through his shirts.
It would be though. 
"Stop. Stop. Stop." He whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to think of anything else.
When that failed, and all he could think about was the calories that he didn't want to put on, he grabbed a loose fitting black v neck, since black is slimming, a pair of guys jeans as opposed to the girls jeans he usually wore, and a grey hoodie. 
He went to the bathroom and styled his hair, and stared at himself for far too long, looking at his thighs again. 
So fat. So thick. Not in a good way.
Jack showed up in the doorway then, "Hey..." He said quietly.
Alex shook his head, "Please don't look."
Jack sighed, walked up behind Alex and wrapped his arms around his waist, looking at him through the reflection once again.
"What's wrong with looking at the most perfect man I've ever met?" He asked curiously.
Alex shook his head, his hands on top of Jack's.
"My thighs are gross." 
Jack ran one hand down Alex's thigh. The good thigh thank god.
"You are perfect." He whispered against Alex's neck, still looking at him.
Alex shook his head, "I'm not...I'm really not." He sighed.
Jack kissed his boy's neck, "Well I'll believe that you are for you then. Let's go babe." He said quietly and let go.
"I'll meet you down there, I need to fix my hair a little more. It looks gross." Alex muttered.
Jack nodded, "Okay." He went back downstairs, wondering what the hell was going on with Alex.
Alex lied. He wasn't fixing his hair. His hair was good. He grabbed his new friend and tucked it into his pocket after wrapping it up in a bunch of toilet paper and grabbing some bandages that he also stuffed in his pocket. 

He went downstairs and smiled at Jack, "Ready." He grabbed his bag and followed Jack to the car.
The Starbucks was actually really good, he got a caramel latte and decided it was worth the calories, and he agreed to share a croissant with Jack, despite his wants. He had promised Jack via text that he'd eat more. So. He was going to eat more. And then he'd hate himself for it later.
Getting to school wasn't bad, they listened to music and sang songs, holding hands. Jack kept kissing the back of Alex's hand as he drove.
They walked into school together, hands holding while their other hands held their coffees.
Naturally, they met Rian there.
Rian smiled, "Oh nice to see you two back in a loving mood." He smirked
Alex shrugged with a little smile, "Yeah because Jack's staying the night with me tonight and he bought me coffee." He smirked.
Jack rolled his eyes with a smile, "You're a shithead. I love you." He kissed Alex's forehead. Alex blushed.
Rian fake gagged, "I almost liked it better when you two were fighting. Okay, so first class. Second, break. Are we doing anything at break?" He asked.
Jack shrugged, "I figured I'd just wait for my third class to start and do lunch. Lex, do you need me to walk with you to your first class?" He asked.
Alex shook his head, "Nah. Let them come at me again if they want. I don't care." It was true. He didn't. He almost welcomed it. It was better than the pain his stomach felt, while he also craved the pain his stomach felt. This was becoming a problem, and he fully recognized it but he didn't want to stop.
Jack nodded, "Okay. So break off here then. I'll see you guys at lunch. Love you Lexy." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Alex's lips and headed off in a different direction than Rian and Alex's classes.
"I'll see you at lunch too Ri." Alex smiled at him and headed towards his class, looking around for big guy who's name he didn't know.
He didn't show up. 
Alex waited by his class door to be let in.

Second day of classes went better than yesterday. 
At lunch, Alex grabbed a salad and a bottle of juice. That would please Jack. Enough at least.
He hated eating it, but it was less than the pizza or sandwiches would be. He already had a sandwich for dinner last night. He didn't need anymore bread carbs.
Jack smiled a little at him.

That night however, he didn't want to eat.
At least he didn't use the blade he took with him to school. The one he took just in case.

"Alex come on, please eat something." Jack begged, watching as Alex ignored the plate of pasta in front of him. His parents were out to dinner and Elise was playing in the living room in her playpen with a cartoon on.
Alex shook his head, "No. I had breakfast, I had lunch. I can't eat anymore Jack. I don't want to. I'm not hungry." He said quietly.
Jack sighed, "Fine. Don't eat. Why are you being like this though? Like you were okay, doing okay at least, and then since last week you've been obsessed with the idea that you're getting fat when you're not? Like at all. You're not." 
Alex glared, "You don't know that. You aren't living in my body. You don't know how it feels or how I feel." He pushed the plate of pasta away. 
Jack closed his eyes for a minute, his hands to his temples.
"Okay. You're right. I don't know. So tell me. Enlighten me please." This was getting exhausting.
Alex shook his head, "You don't get it." He muttered, got up and picked Elise up.
Jack couldn't argue with him around the baby.
"Great. Use the baby to avoid talking to me." He mumbled.

Alex ignored him and smiled at Elise, holding her up in the air and mimicking her baby babble at him, then hugging her close to him.
He sat down on the floor with her and put her colorful foam blocks in front of her, laughing when she picked up a purple circle and threw it at him.
"Hey! I'm gonna get you." He smirked and squeezed her little thighs and tickled her belly, making her laugh and squeal, her hands up in the air.
Alex laughed along with her, then started building a tower out of her blocks.
He faked a gasp when she knocked it down by flailing her arms at it, "Elise! You're not supposed to knock down the castle!" He leaned over and gave her kisses all over her chubby little cheeks.
"You wanna do bath time tonight or no?" He asked, as if she was going to answer.
He looked at the clock, it was getting close to her bedtime, which was at 8. It's 7:25 PM right now.
"Okay, well I don't wanna give you a bath, you had one yesterday. So let's just go get jammies and snuggle and read books and sing." He picked her up and carried her upstairs, avoiding Jack.
He didn't want to get into it.
He didn't want to break down over how badly he currently hated himself for no reason and how he was taking it out on his own skin. He knew it was fucked up. He just didn't know how to stop it and didn't know why it came on in the first place. Jack was right. One day he was fine, then he wasn't. That's just how it's always worked with him though. Fine until he's not fine.

Jack went upstairs after about fifteen minutes, leaning against the doorframe of Elise's almost nursery. The crib got put up at least, and there were some little decorations and the stuff that used to be in Alex's room for her. 
Alex was sitting in the rocking chair, Elise sitting up and staring at the book he was reading to her, slapping the pages.
"Goodnight stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere." Alex finished gently, putting Goodnight Moon down. He looked at Elise and smiled at her sleepy eyes, "Wanna sing?" He asked her as she looked up at him.
He picked her up and held her so they were chest to chest. Her head with that cute blonde hair rested against his shoulder, nuzzling her face against his neck. Alex smiled, closed his eyes and rocked her. 

'Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me
That's OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home

Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away
I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
"Wait for me to come home"'
He loved Ed Sheeran, loved that song, and loved singing it in a softer, more mellowed out, nearly lullaby version of it for Elise. She liked Ed Sheeran too. When he'd play Ed on the speakers, she'd bounce excitedly and squeal. So Ed was a winner with her.
Jack smiled a tiny bit at the oblivious Alex who didn't know he'd been standing there watching because he was so wrapped up in Elise. He loved that. At this point, he never understood why he was so scared of dating the guy with a kid. There was a lot of shit at first, but Alex had so much support, and so much love that he had to give his daughter that it seemed silly to ever imagine Alex without Elise.
The beautiful carbon copy of him looks wise. 
Alex looked down at Elise, smiling at the fact that she was fast asleep.
That was his favorite thing.
He could get her to sleep better than anyone else in the world, and he knew that it was because he's her dad, but it was still such a special thing for him.

He got up and laid her in her crib, making sure she was perfectly fine, nothing in the way, no blankets in the way. 
Alex got a little startled when he looked up and saw Jack.
"Shit. You scared me." He said as he turned Elise's night light on and quietly closed the door behind him.
"Sorry" Jack smiled a little, "I love watching you with her like that. It's pretty magical." 
Alex smiled, "I know. She's magical." He walked into his room and grabbed clothes to change into. He didn't do the usual. Strip and get dressed in front of Jack.
Jack raised an eyebrow at that but left it alone since Alex had been feeling so self conscious lately.
He changed into his own clothes right there while Alex changed in the bathroom. Alex was also secretly hiding the blade he'd had on him.
He laid on the bed and waited for his boy, smiling when Alex joined him, curling up against him.
"Kiss me." Jack said softly, "I don't want to argue. Just kiss me."
Alex smiled a bit, leaned up and met Jack's lips.
Jack moved so he was hovering over Alex a bit, deepening their kiss.
Alex put his hands on the back of Jack's neck and held him there while their tongues danced slowly and lovingly together.
Alex pulled back a little before anything got heavier. He hated himself for it.
"I'm really tired babe. Can we just cuddle and go to bed?" He asked, putting on his innocent puppy dog face. 

Jack nodded, not thinking much of that either. Sometimes people were just tired. Plain and simple.
He grabbed Alex's xbox controller and handed it to him.
Alex smiled, put on Netflix and looked through all the shows, settling on The Walking Dead.
"Have you watched it yet?" He asked Jack. Jack shook his head, "Nope. I want to though."
Alex smiled, "Good. I haven't gotten past the first episode. Can't really watch with a baby." He shrugged and set the controller down.
So this was good for tonight.
He didn't enjoy the secrets and lies though.
He hated himself for that.
How the fuck was he going to get out of this?
Could he?
Probably not.