Shawn Mendes one shots

Insecurities

It's late. Too late for you to be awake. The bedroom is completely dark and it feels like the silence is haunting you. 

There is a knot in your stomach, it's been there for hours and you are beginning the feel the nausea sneak in on you. Your pillow is wet from your tears, your eyes are sore and your heart feels heavier than usual. You are laying back to back with Shawn, your bodies almost brushing against one another. 

"Are you asleep?" You force yourself to whisper. 

"No." Shawn mutters back. "How could I be."

You swallow the sob wanting to slip from your mouth as you shut your eyes to force air into your lungs. Shawn is stubborn, but so are you and therefore, making up after a fight can, at times, take a rather long time. 

It feels different this time, though. 

You went to bed upset with each other and you never have. Not once in the seven years Shawn has been a part of your life. You want to turn in the bed and place your hand on his back, but you are slightly afraid to do so. 

You love Shawn, with all you have. You love him in a let him have the last pizza slice, watch sports you have no idea what is, drive across town to pick up his sister, empty for words kind of way. 

All in you loves him, with everything bone in your body. And sometimes, your insecurities get the best of you and you react in a way, there's no acceptable excuse for. A small doubt can appear from nothing and then, you cannot control how your mind reacts. 

"I'm sorry, Shawn." You mutter, your heart aches with every word. "I need to think before I talk. And I know I need to work on my insecurities getting the better of me." You swallow the lumps in your throat as you listen carefully to Shawn's small sigh next to you. 

"It's not fair I'm taking them out on you like I do." You say when Shawn doesn't speak. 

"You just... You never listen, that's the worse." Shawn says and you feel him move behind your back. "I'm giving you all I have to give and I feel like it's never enough. You can always find something, you know? A stupid rumour or gossip or whatever that makes you doubt me." 

You can hear the pain in Shawn's voice and it makes you feel incredibly guilty. Because you know, you know it gets the better of you and you know it's not okay. But you don't know how to change it, but you want, though. You really want to. 

"I know and that's wrong." You whisper back, small cries cracking your voice. 

You press your face into your pillow to strangle the sobs while the bundle of knots in your stomach continues to grow. 

To your surprise, Shawn reaches across the mattress and places his hand on your bare shoulder. He's warm and it makes your heart flicker within seconds. You take a deep breath and turn in the bed to face him. 

"I feel like I'm not good enough. Like you can do better, way better." 

"But I love you, I chose to spend my life with you?" Shawn interrupts as he narrows his brows. 

"I know." You nod and strain a small smile. "It's nothing you do, Shawn. It's all on me." 

"And I guess, that's what I don't understand, then." He tells you with a confused stare. 

But he's more at ease than earlier, his eyes are friendly and he shows you small affections of love. 

You chew into your lip and close your eyes while you feel Shawn's fingers search for yours to interlace your fingers with his. 

"I guess... I'd rather be the one to fuck up things than I want you to hurt me." You admit as your heart drops to your gut. 

"Honey..." Shawn says and his words makes the tears begin to fall again. Shawn wipes a tear from your lip with his thumb as he leans forward to plant a soft kiss on your forehead. 

"I don't want to hurt you either." Shawn whispers as he slips closer to your body. "And I will always do my best to never hurt you, but that's all I can do. You have to have a little faith in me, though." He tells you with a small laughter. He wraps his arms around your body and pulls you into his chest. 

"I know and I do." You tell him, your face buried into his chest. "But sometimes I feel like I don't control what goes on in my head, like I don't have a say." 

"I get that, I can have that feeling too." Shawn mumbles while planting a kiss on the top of your head. "You know, there are people you can talk to about that. Who can help you understand why it happens and how you can work with it." Shawn stutters through the words and you can tell he's suddenly nervous. You figure he doesn't want to overstep your binderies nor does he want to push you into anything. 

"I just... It's sucks feeling like you have no control over your thoughts and it doesn't have to be like that." 

"I don't want it to be like that." You stutter.  

"Well, maybe you can think about it for a while." He says and tugs you further into his arms. 

"Thank you, Shawn." You tell him while looking up to find his eyes. He sends you a loving smile that makes your heart flicker. "For being so understand, I know it's much to ask." 

"Hey, we all struggle with different things." He says while leaning down to kiss you tenderly. "I just want you to be okay." He mutters against your lips. 

"I'm always okay when you're with me." You breathe. 

"Can we make a deal?" 

"Sure." 

"Let's never go to bed angry with each other again." Shawn says with a small stutter. "I don't like it." 

"Neither do I." You admit with a smile. "You've got yourself a deal, Mendes."