Forever - Bellarke

Epilogue

Clarke had been in a coma for five months. With time she had gotten weaker. The cancer had grown faster than they had expected and she never woke up. I had spend all my free time at the hospital. Our children had come to the hospital a few times a week. The doctors updated them on their mothers conditions. They also made sure that I ate and got home to take a shower. I don't know how I would of handled this on my own, if I hadn't my children with me.

Odette who was still a teenager spends most of her free time with my sister and Lincoln. I felt so bad for all my children. Their mothers is dying and I can barely take care of myself. I'm so impressed by how they all dealt with everything. I've really felt bad for how my own children has to have looked after me. 

From then on it got worse. Clarke's doctor told us that there is nothing more they can do for her. Except for keeping her on life support. It took about seven more weeks until they pulled the plug and she wasn't with us anymore. It was so hard and I couldn't believe what had happened. Even though the final decision had been up to me. I didn't want her continuing suffering and I knew, by the end of how things had been, that she herself was aware that she might not make it this time. 

It had been the hardest decision that I've had to make. 

Knowing that she went through all of this alone, without any family members, hurt so much. 

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"Bell, a while ago Clarke came to me. She gave me this and told me not to open it and that I was going to give it to you when the time was right. I believe that it's time that I finally give this to you." My sister says as she reaches behind her to give me a box. She sits besides me on the bed. I don't think that I've left this bed in a few days. Unless I really have needed something to eat, which is barely anything or if I had to go to the bathroom.

"Please don't be mad at her. I believe that she didn't want any of you to suffer the pain she did. That's why she never told you that she's fallen sick again. Clarke loved you wholeheartedly. Your love story was epic." Shortly Octavia leaves the bedroom when I don't answer her and I'm alone with my thoughts. It takes a while until I finally sit up and open the box that I've been given. In it I find multiple journals. At the front each any every name of our children are written. And one for me. There's a letter at the bottom of the box and I pick it up. It has my name on it. 

I open the letter and closed it again.

My sight is already blurry and I haven't even started reading the letter that I'm holding in my hands.

I need to get it together. 

Once again I open the letter that I'm holding. 

To my love,

I don't know to begin this letter. I'm truly sorry that I never told you the truth what was going on. And if you're reading this it means that I'm no longer alive. That doesn't mean that I'm not with you though. I will always be with you. 

Thank you for giving me such a wonderful life, memories, crazy adventures and holidays. Most importantly, thank you for giving me a family. Our beautiful children. And to finding true love. I couldn't be happier. We really did a good job raising them, didn't we? I wouldn't have had it any other way. Thank you for always making me feel safe, protected and loved. Even at the darkest times you made me laugh and I felt appreciated. I don't know how I would have manage going through life without you. You've always been my rock. My safe haven and soulmate and wonderful husband. 

In the box you will find a journal with the name of  each of  our children. I want you to give the journals to them. I don't know what made me start writing them to be honest. Maybe it was from the moment that I got to hold our firstborn. Maybe it's a way for me to stay connected to them when I'm gone. Either way, I want them to have their own journals. I don't know if they will read them. But it's something that I left behind for each of them if they ever feel lonely or something alike.

I hope that you find it in you to forgive me someday. Take care of our children for me. I will always love each and everyone of you. Never forget that. 

I've always loved you and I will continue loving you. This is not a goodbye. It's a see you later, on the other side one day.

All the love, 
Your princess. 

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"Dad?" Odette says as she walks into the bedroom. I dry the tears that has fallen while reading the letter.

I could never be mad at her. She will always be my best friend, my wife, mother of my children and soulmate. I'm just heartbroken that she had to suffer her last couple of weeks alone without me knowing what was happening to her. That I never had the chance of giving her a proper goodbye and telling her how much I truly love her. 

"Yes sweetheart?" I say as I put all the journals and the letter back into the box. I'll give them to my children after the funeral. 

"I know it's a sad day but mama wouldn't want us to cry. Knowing mama, she would want us to cheerish our memories together and remember them." My youngest daughter says as she sits down next to me. I embrace her in a hug and we stay like that for a few seconds. 

I don't know how they do it. They all are so strong. I wish I had their strenght. I guess they get that from Clarke. There's another knock on the door and this time it's Sam who walks in.

"We're all ready to leave. The cermony starts in thirty minutes. Some are at the church already" Sam says. 

"I have something for you all later that your mama made specific for each one of you." I tell both Sam and Odette. 

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I look up at the clear blue sky. It's only five minutes left until the funeral starts. I try away the tears on my cheeks before I look up once again. Even though how much pain all of this causes me a small smile forms on my lips. Clarke's in a place now there she doesn't feel any pain anymore. I've never wanted her to suffer through anything. I'm truly sorry for how things did turn out. The truth is that every life does come to an end. For some earlier then others. Life is, well, it's not always fair. What happens next is up to us. 

"I love you" I whisper as I look at the sky before I enter the the church and the funeral can begin.