"New to this" (Carson X Connor gay fanfic♥️)

Part 20: I am sorry

Note: don't read this chapter if you don't remember what happened in: -Part 17;
-Part 18;
-Part 19;
Thank you and enjoy!

[Carson's POV]
"Hey, how is your reading going?" Matt said as he came in the living room.

"I am almost done" I answered.

I was on the sofa and he sat next to me.

"Have you heard Christian?" I asked.

"Yeah. He is coming back tomorrow. I can't wait to..."

"Pound his hole." I finished the sentence.

"More or less, yeah" Matt laughed.

"What about you? You haven't talked about Connor in a while. Is it everything good between you?"

"Yeah. I asked him to talk only at school. I wanted to focus on my homework." I replied.

"It seems legit. I mean... Are you sure he won't hook up with someone else? I have seen him hanging out with some new guys recently." Matt said.

"He is not a bitch!" I yelled at Matt.

"Okay, but watch out, Carson!"

"Don't worry!"

"I am not worried about him. I am worried about you. I know how fragile you are. Another break up would devastate you!" Matt stated. This last sentence almost broke my heart. He was right. But I was sure Connor would have never dumped me with someone else.

"Don't worry. Now let me finish my book. And by the way, he invited me to his house on Friday. He says his parents won't be around for the weekend!" I added.

"Great, man. Now you gotta put into practice what you learnt." Matt said in a fiercy tone.

"I will bro." I reassured him and he smirked.

"Ok, I will let you finish studying. I don't want to disturb you more!"

Matt left me alone on the sofa. He could be right. What if Connor had forget me. I didn't see him at school neither yesterday nor this morning. I closed the book and took my phone. I called him, but he didn't pick up.
I promised myself I would have tried to reach him again later, or maybe that evening.

I went to my room and started working on my essay. It seemed easier, but it wasn't. How could I relate my personal experience to Gatsby?
"I will fail this exam, too" I repeated to myself.
Matt suggested me writing some personal sentences and connecting them to the themes of the novel. But what did it mean? Why did I have to talk to Mrs Shannon about me? What did I know about her? For a moment I refused to write the essay. It was way too complex. And I wasn't even sure to get a good mark. It wasn't worth it. Too much work spent on a thing that could be judged negatively.

But then I thought that that essay was the only chance I had to prove the world -and my teacher- I was changed. I just felt like Jay Gatsby, who wanted to prove his lover he had changed. I was a bit like Jay Gatsby. Everyone pictured me like a bad guy, but did they really know me? People were just focused on my surface. It was like everyone had forgotten about the person I used to be. Just like the people in the novel only knew Gatsby for his parties, but nobody had really got to know him properly.

My life had been chaotic, just like Jay's. But I didn't want to end up like him. His tragic death taught me that I had still time to turn things right.

I finally had some material to work on. I started writing my essay and finished it in an hour or less. I wrote about the feeling of disappointment I had, and about people I didn't want to let down. I must admit I was unsure if I wanted to mention something about Connor, but eventually I did. I was coming out to my English teacher through an essay.
When I finished it, I printed two copies.
I would have handed it in even before the deadline. I was so happy.

[Few hours later]
I tried to call Connor. I wanted to see him. I missed him. Miraculously he picked up.
"Hey, babe, I miss you." I said.

"Me, too" he said in a sad tone.

"Hey, are you ok? Your voice sounds strange!"

"Yeah, don't worry. Listen, Carson, I can't talk right now. I am at a dance lesson. What if I come to your house later? I need to talk."

"Yeah, sure. Is it everything alright? Did something happen?"

"No, everything is fine. I just need to talk to you."

"Ok, See you later!"

"See ya!"

It was 8.30 PM and Connor didn't show up yet. I was worried. I tried to call him few more times, but nobody answered. Matt was out with Christian. I didn't know what to do. But then someone knocked at my door. I opened it and there was Connor.

"Hey, I was worried..." I said.

"Can we sit down. I don't have much time."

"Yeah, sure."

I followed him to the living room and he sat on the sofa. He was strange, anxious, nervous.

"What is it babe?" I tried to kiss him but he didn't let me.

"Listen, I... Don't even know how to tell you that... But I..." He mumbled.

"Hey, what happened? You know you can tell me everything." I said.

"I sucked Tanner off" he said and then he bursted in tears. Then he added: "I am dumb, I know. Please, forgive me. I am sorry, Carson. I didn't want to. I feel so guilty!"

I hugged him and made him cry on my shoulder. I was angry, but I had cheated on him, too. I didn't say a word. I just let him cry.

"You hate me, right?" He asked me.

"No, I don't!" I uttered.

"It was... I was confused... I missed you...and he was horny... He didn't force me... It's my fault!" he sobbed. I gently caressed his hairs and still didn't know what to think.

"But I love you, I love you more than anything. I am an asshole!" He repeated crying.

"Connor, listen, you are not the only one who did something bad. I let Matt fuck me!"

"You did what?"

"It was for us... Let me explain..." I told him all the details of what had happened between Matt and me and he confessed me his moment with Tanner. An awkward silence followed.

He kissed me then, sticking his tongue in my mouth.

"Doesn't matter, I love you anyway!" Connor mumbled.

"I love you, too. I will never do something like that again. I am so sorry."

"Ok. I trust you!" Connor replied.

"I trust you, too. It turns out we both had to experiment other things to understand how much we love each other."

He nodded and printed another kiss on my lips.

"I missed you and I felt like I could lose you forever. Sorry, Carson!" Connor said.

"I am sorry, too. I realized soon after the accident that what I did was wrong. I needed to talk to you, but never found the courage, until today."

"Why don't you show me what you learnt?" He asked.

I smirked.