"New to this" (Carson X Connor gay fanfic♥️)

Part 52: It's over, innit?

"Hey, how are you?" I asked him as I entered Tanner's apartment.

Connor was looking at the window and didn't turn around.

"We will leave you alone. We are gonna wait in the living room. Guys, please, be adults!" Tanner and Matt said, and they left us in the kitchen.

I tried to get close to him, but he pushed me away.

"Connor, I am so sorry, I was angry. You can be mad at me forever. I don't deserve you..."

"Listen, Carson. I am still not ready to accept your apologies now. Maybe I will do it in the future."

"I see" I said sobbing.

Connor sat down opposite of me and he held my hand.

"I thought I loved you, but I was wrong. I wanted to talk to you because I care about your health. I know how much you would suffer if I didn't tell you the truth. But now, after what you did, I am not even sure about the person I have been dating so far!"

"Connor, please, forgive me!"

"I will, but not now. I wanna be honest with you... Our relationship couldn't last any longer. We are too different. And maybe you are still a troubled guy who should deal with his problems first."

As he started to talk, tears bursted out of my eyes, falling on Connor's hands, which were holding mine.

Then he went on: "I have realized I don't love you anymore. I just loved the sex we had. I am sorry. I know I am breaking your heart right now, but you have to understand me!"

"No, no, no. It can't be true!" I said crying and throwing my head into my hands.

"Please, Carson, you know it couldn't work. Just admit it. I am still not ready to come out. We have different perspectives on life and future!"

"You told me you loved me! It was sincere, I know. I have seen your eyes!"

"I thought I loved you, but I have come to a different conclusion."

"No, no... I thought I was a good boyfriend. I have never put you under any kind of pressure. I was so happy with you. You gave a new sense to my life, but now..."

"Carson, you are a good boyfriend. But I can't be your lover. I am sure you will find another one, maybe even better than me. But I can't be that person."

"You met someone else?"

"Yeah, but that has nothing to do with our breakup."

I kept on crying. Connor hugged me. It was the last time I was feeling his body holding mine. Last time I was looking at those Japanese-like features I loved so much. Last time I could smell his magnificent perfume.

"It's over, innit?" I asked him.

"Yeah,..."

"Do you still wanna be friends?" I asked him.

"I can't right now. I am scared. If we had ended it in a different way, I would have considered the idea of us still being friends. But after what just happened, it's better if we stay apart for a bit."

"Ok, I am sorry. I hope I can show you I am a better person."

Connor hugged me one last time. He was crying, too. He kissed me one last time.
I was devastated.

"Goodbye, Carson. You will be forever my first love. Now, it's better if you go home."

Matt and I left Connor's apartment. That was the last time I talked to him.
In the following weeks Connor kept on ghosting me.
Matt brought me to a psychologist, which helped me a lot, to be honest. I did some courses to control my anger and I tried to move on. But it was hard!
No one could ever replace him. I hated Connor. I was sure he had left me for another guy, but he was too coward to admit it. On the other side, though, I still loved him. I thought about him every single night. I missed his laugh, his eyes that looked into mine. I missed having him into my arms. I had given him everything. However, I hated myself, too. The moment I had punched him, I had thrown it all away.
No need to say, that my return to the reality was one of the most difficult ones. I was as broken as when I discovered Betty was betraying me.
Fortunately Matt stayed by my side during all the "recovery-period". He helped with school; he kept me company in the darkest of days. But he also tried to explain me that what had happened was normal. Connor and I had been dating almost for a month, after all. I convinced myself I had a whole life in front of me and I just couldn't waste my time crying over something that was over.

Of course, whenever I saw him, it still hurt. It still made me cry if I thought about our first kiss, our first encounter in the gym, but I had to move on. Or, at least, I should have tried to.