Help Me Understand

Smile for Your Monster

TW: blood & physical violence. and some ginger slander because well, Hux is a dick.

Mom always said that we need to rely on others and find strength in numbers.

That's a lie.

Others will always let you down. Numbers weaken. The only person you can rely on, the only person you can find strength in is yourself. Believing anything different will cause nothing but pain.

I am not naive like her. I know that I am the only one who is going to save me when I need help.

You'd flipped through Kylo's journal before leaving this morning, and this was the page you'd happened to land on.

You were inclined to agree with that opinion to a certain extent. There were certain battles a person had to fight themselves, times when it was only you that could come to your own rescue.

But you also believed in taking the help offered to you. The battle was yours to finish, but there was no shame in needing an army to get you to that deciding moment. In fact, it was impossible to do so without an army. Even the strongest person couldn't fight off an entire army without some soldiers standing with.

You hoped Kylo knew that now, and didn't still think that numbers weaken. You hoped he knew he had people to rely on. You hoped he remembered that he has you.

"Kid, you're heading towards the coordinates, we're taking a sweep of the perimeter," Poe said through the radio. "Stay on the channel and notify if you locate Hux first."

Poe's voice cut through your thoughts, and you were back to the present. You had a job to do, and thinking about Kylo would have to wait.

Poe had brought Wexley as instructed by the General, as well as Karé Kun, who happened to be Wexley's wife.

Their future kid is going to be one hell of a pilot.

You leaned forward in your seat to respond. "Copy."

It felt strange being back here, sitting in a co-pilot's chair on a ship with your squad. Everything was the same and yet you couldn't have felt more different.

Myra, Jace, and Ezra were the same as they'd always been. As reliable and loyal as they come. You, on the other hand, couldn't help but feel like an impostor in your own position.

You felt almost guilty for keeping the truth from them. They had no idea what had happened between you and Kylo. No clue at all.

Maybe one day you could tell them and pray they understood. But today wasn't that today. Today, you needed to focus and get your job done.

You stood up from your seat and were about to say something to Jace when a searing pain raced up your spine and into your skull. You stumbled a bit, catching yourself on the back of your chair.

Jace looked at you from his seat in the pilot's chair, red eyebrows knit together in concern. "You alright there?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," you replied quickly. "Think I just stood up too fast."

"Myra, Ezra," you called out. "Cockpit now, please."

The two of them appeared in a few seconds, Myra smiling as always, and Ezra expressionless as usual. Extremely misleading since Myra could strangle practically anyone with her bare hands if needed, and Ezra cried at most holodramas.