Sky Full Of Stars

Epilogue

Epilogue

All my life, I've been living with a fear inside my heart. Growing up, I was trapped in the four corners of my room with a lot of wonders inside my head. Hundreds of what ifs are keeping me awake at night. What if my Mom survived the accident and she didn't die? What if hindi ako nagkaroon ng phobia? What does it feels like to have friends around you?

At the age of 13, I started to wonder what does the outside world looks like? I've been longing for the love of a mother and the warmth of a complete family. I've been longing to have friends who can stay with me through ups and downs, friends whom I can share my problems with and friends who genuinely care for me.

Is it wrong to think that I'm the unluckiest person alive? If my life was a book then I would consider this as a tragedy imagine for how many years you're suffering from a phobia and you were able to overcome it because of your damn schizophrenia. My life is a mess right? My life is hard to read and to understand.

When I found out about my schizophrenia ginusto ko na tapusin na lang ang buhay ko. I cursed the universe for giving me this kind of life. It feels like I was only born in this world to suffer in deep melancholy.

Simple lang naman ang hiling ko, sobrang simple lang. Gusto ko lang naman magkaroon ng masayang pamilya. Mamuhay nang normal. Magkaroon ng mga kaibigan. But in my case, small things is too much to ask. Para bang hindi ko deserve sumaya.

My psychiatrist told me that I'm suffering from hebephrenic schizophrenia. According to what I've read this is typified by shallow and inappropriate emotional responses, foolish or bizarre behaviour, false beliefs such as delusions, and false perceptions such as hallucinations.

A week after my 18th birthday we left Philippines and we went here to Korea ,they admitted me in a psychiatric hospital to treat my disorder. At first I was scared and I still don't know how to accept what is happening to me. It hurts to know that the people I treated as my best friends only exists inside my head.

The thing about schizophrenia is you're unaware that you're just hallucinating things. For almost 3 years stay in this psychiatric facility ay may schizophrenic episodes pa rin ako, paminsan-minsan ay nagha-hallucinate pa rin ako at nakikita ko pa rin sila. My mind is forcing me to believe that they are real even if hindi naman talaga.

Nasa office ako ngayon ng pinaka-head na psychiatrist dito, she's  half Korean and half American kaya she could speak english and she's also fluent in speaking Filipino kasi naikwento n'ya sa akin dati na naging exchange student daw s'ya sa Philippines noong college.

"How are you?" she asked.

Halos araw-araw sa hospital ay umaasa ako na sana gumaling na ako, minsan ay nawawalan ako ng pag-asa because I'm aware that there's no cure for schizophrenia. Well, if tutulongan mo sarili mo siguro gagaling ka talaga. For almost three years, I'm taking therapy with different psychiatrists. I'm also taking antipsychotic drugs that ease my delusions and hallucinations.

"I'm fine," I replied with all of my honesty.

I'm really feeling okay right now siguro blessing in disguise na rin 'yong nangyari sa akin because I found real friends here inside the psychiatric facility. All of us are battling with mental health problems and we're striving to survive no matter how hard life is. I met different kind of friends here; a friend with a bipolar disorder, a friend with a multiple personality disorder, a friend who's diagnosed with depression, a friend who's struggling with paranoid schizophrenia and many more. The nurses here are also kind because they are treating patients as their family, they didn't make us feel that there's something wrong with us.

"When was the last time you had schizophrenic episodes?" she asked habang binabasa ang isang folder tungkol sa akin at andoon ang records at progress about my disorder.