Red vs Blue in the RWBY universe

These Are Confusing Times

Sarge: Do you guys ever get the feeling of Déjà Vu?
He asks as the next members of the tournament are being chosen. Without Caboose this time.

Grif: Whenever I win, then I do!

Sarge: So... never.
He says as Grif looks down.

Grif: *sigh* yeah pretty much.
Then the Reds and Blues look down at the stage, but before they do, they see a certain familiar figure...

Tucker: Hey... My Female sense is tingling! *sniff sniff* Green hair *huff huff* Red eyes *wolf whistle* ah! No no Tucker! This universe is PG!
He says as everyone stares at him confused.

Grif: What he is attempting to say is: Emerald is over there!
He says pointing across the stadium were a bored looking Emerald is sitting.

Sarge: Great Oogily Boogily! I thought she left!

Caboose: That's what Ruby said! *high pitched Ruby imitation* "Mercury and his team left to go back to Haven, so no one can question them until they land!" Those were her exact words! ... I think?

Grif: Hmmm I'm going in... to investigate... and I'll be leaving... right now...

Sarge: Are you stuck?

Grif: Yeah. I ate to much stress food yesterday and now my bottom is stuck in the seat

Sarge then shoots Grif's butt and a bunch of fat comes out (Don't ask me, what do I look like? I biographist?) Then Grif jumps out of his seer and runs into the hallway to go around the HUGE coliseum to visit Emerald. But on their way there, they found... CHIBI MERCURY! Oh wait... it's just normal boring Mercury... Action!

Grif: No t-that's not true! T-that's impossible!

Mercury: *clenches his fist in front of him* Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
He says as Grif stops and think for a second.

Grif: Well you do have metal legs.

Sarge: You are very suspicious acting.

Caboose: You did hallucinate us.

Tucker: And you have a girlfriend! AND I WONT STAND FOR THAT!
He says pulling out his sword and making it glow!

Emerald: *pops her head through a door* For the record—
She gets interrupted by a portal appearing on the other side with a really cool looking Brit with an awesome mustache. (No not Wyoming)

Price: —history is written by the... who are you?
He says looking at the Reds and Blues.

Caboose: I'm Caboose!

Price: Right... What kind of name is Caboose, eh? How'd a Muppet like you get past selection?
He says crossing his arms.

Caboose: I didn't, that's why I'm a Sim Trooper!
He says as Price just stares at him, confused.

Soap: Price, we're almost at hotel site Bravo, if Makarov's intel is solid, General Shepard should be there.
He says as Price loads his M4.

Price: Right, let's make him pay for what he did to our boys Ghost and Roach.

Caboose: Burn the Roach, and you'll pay the Price!
He says as the portal closes and Mercury and Emerald are staring wide eyed at the spot where the portal was.

Grif: *chuckles* First time? Right, we'll continue on with what you were saying. Times-a-ticking!

Emerald: *shakes her head to regain senses* Right, For the record, I hate Mercury with everything my body can handle. So he is not my boyfriend.

Tucker: *chuckles* Well, there's always me!
He says as Emerald scowls and closes the door, running away.

Port: *offscreen* Our first contestant is... Penny Polindina from Atlas!

Sarge: *whispers to Grif* Grif... who's that again?

Grif: Crap, the author can't remember if we were introduced to her yet! Oh well, she is that extremely hyper energetic red head we met a while ago.

Caboose: No silly, that's Ruby!

Sarge: Oh the robot one!

Grif/Mercury: Bingo!
They say as they high five.

Sarge: Ya know, I should introduce her to Simmons!

Mercury: Who, the nerd? Why him?

Sarge: Because they are both Cyborgs! ...wait...
He says as all the Reds and Blues look at him questioningly.

Tucker: ... how did you...

Grif: ...know who Simmons is?

Mercury goes wide eyed in horror, before blinking a few times and jumping at Grif. Tucker than jumps in front of Grif and blocks Mercury's foot with his key-sword (They have aura so it wouldn't just cut through him btw). Then Sarge takes this opportunity to do what Yang should've done when Mercury was WIDE open in the air: Put a gun where the sun barely shines and say—

Sarge: You just got Sarge'd!

He then pulls the trigger, sending Mercury across the room as he shrivels up on the floor crying. But as the Reds and Blues walk over to him, he disappears, and in his pace is an EXTREMELY pale woman with red veins bulging out of her and red eyes.

Pale Chick: Well well well well well... that's six wells. The infamous Reds and Blues. I've heard much about you.

Tucker: *hiding his fear* Hey baby! I like all women, except for stalkers! ... unless they are hot, like you, in that case I'm okay with it.
He says as Salem gets angry and transforms into a giant monster and charges at them but before they could anything, she disappears.

Sarge: *terrified* M-men... W-what in S-Sam hill j-just happened?

Caboose: *scared* S-Sargent? I p-peed m-my armor again.

Grif: *slightly less horrified* G-guys, we should go t-tell Ozpin about t-this.

Tucker: *completely fine* That... was... SO HOT! Do it again please!

They all sigh and run back out to the arena... where they see something that will haunt their dreams for the rest of their life. Well not Tucker because... he's Tucker, he probably likes the sight. Not Sarge because he is too battle hardened, for a 17 year old atleast. Not Grif because his vision is too blurry from overdosing on Pizza the previous night. So it will only haunt Caboose, but then again, he is Caboose so he will probably forget about i— oh yeah he is buying cotton candy now. Oh right! The sight they saw was Phyyra... on her knees... shut up Tucker I'm trying to write a book... in front of Phyyra was Penny...

In pieces.