Busy being Yours

34. Water Ripples

SECOND HALF.

"But how can you walk away from something and still come back to it?"
- Neil Gaiman, Coraline

***

I watched him walk away.

I let him walk away.

And things were just never the same after it.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong umiyak matapos umalis ni Jason. The rest of our friends were so quiet. No one dared to open their mouth— not even Lilith.

They just let me be. And at the same time, they made me feel their presence. They never made me feel alone while I was enjoying the space that was given to me.

I don't know how long it lasted, ang tanging alam ko lang ay naunang lumapit sa 'kin si Clem. I heard from my side while I was crying that Luke and her were silently talking at the same time. Siguro ay inaayos nila ang 'di nila pagkakaintindihan dahil sa katangahan naming dalawa ni Jason. Again, isa na naman sa mga bagay na 'di magpapatulog sa 'kin ngayon at sa susunod pang mga gabi. My best friend and I already shared a lot of crying sessions sa loob ng ilang taong pagkakaibigan namin pero so far sa tingin ko ay ito na ang pinaka-malala naming iyakan nito. Hindi na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong humingi ng tawad habang yakap-yakap niya ako pero walang tigil din ang pagsabi niya na okay lang ang lahat, na naiintindihan niya ako.

I thought I was already at my lowest while I was in Clem's arms pero hindi pa pala. Nang sina Luke at Lilith na ang yumakap sa 'kin ay hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. It was a mixture of shame and regret, but it feels like it's mostly just shame. I looked up to them, to the three of them since I was a teen but look where I am now. Not only did I tainted their friendship that was founded years ago but I also fucked up their Jason— our Jason, real good.

Even though I didn't mean to do so but I made him beg. He fucking begged for me to give him a chance, to love him more than what I can give. And to be honest, iyon ang pinakamasakit sa lahat. Walang sinuman ang dapat umabot sa puntong kailangan nitong mamalimos ng pagmamahal. And it hurts me more because it's Jason.

Of all people, it was Jason who was begging to be loved by someone like me.

Hindi ako nagtagal sa penthouse ng bagong-kasal na mag-asawa. The more that I spend time with them, the more that I'll be reminded that someone from our circle was missing. Nag-boluntaryo si Luke na ihatid ako pauwi pero tumanggi ako, kailangan niyang hintayin si Clem. Even Ely offered but I declined as well, he needs to stay with his wife. His pregnant wife.

"Kaya ko," I assured them as they walked me out. "I'll just text you when I get home..."

No one answered, tanging mga tipid na tango at mga pagod na pagod na tingin. I smiled a little. Pagod na rin ako.

"Good night," paalam ko bago ko sila tuluyang tinalikuran.

Remember back when we were in high school when we're all required to take this NAT examination? It's a test that is suppose to help us decide what courses suits us best in college. I remember this one entry in that said test while I was taking it. I was shy to admit that I actually read the whole thing before answering the questions, I'm even more embarrassed that I can still vividly remember it until now, madalas kasi sa mga kaklase ko ay hindi nila sineryoso ang bagay na 'yun, they just answered whatever they wanted without fully-comprehending. Ano nga bang mapapala ng NAT results? You can still freely choose whatever course you wanted to take when you enter college. But of course, not me. Not Ms. Over-achiever, Junipher Jimenez. I took it seriously. Talagang sinigurado kong ang unang choice na lalabas sa test results ko ay medical-related courses, and I was kinda successful on that part.