Busy being Yours

14. You're Jason, I'm June

It's been weeks after I found out about Kuya Joel and Ai. Ilang beses ko nang pinapatay ang phone ko sa tuwing tinatawagan nila ako, ilang beses na akong umiiwas sa hallways kapag napapansin kong inaabangan nila ako at ilang beses na rin akong umuupo sa bandang likuran ng classroom every lecture just to avoid sitting next to Ai.

Biruin niyo 'yun? Junipher Jimenez? A back bencher? I know. Sounds impossible. Pero dahil sa tampo ko ay talagang pinagtiisan ko ito.

Ilang beses ko nang nahuhuling sinusulyapan ako ni Ai mula sa harapan sa tuwing nagka-klase kami pero hindi ko lang ito pinapansin. The others tried approaching me as well but I also avoided them. Hindi ko parin nakakalimutan ang ginawa nila sa akin. They made me look like a fool by not telling me what they know about my brother and our friend.

My brother and my friend!

Sinong hindi magtatampo niyan?

And besides, what Ai said still stings no matter how much Jason told me na nadala lang ito ng damdamin niya. I mean, sige, oo, sabihin na nating hindi nga niya 'yon sinasadyang sabihin but the fact that she said it without even having the time to think about it means a lot. Pakiramdam ko ay ilang beses na niyang inipon iyon sa kaloob-looban niya at 'nung araw na 'yun lang siya nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob para sabihin 'yun sa 'kin.

Maybe I did care a lot. Maybe it was too much. But is it really wrong to care now? Especially if it involves your own friend and your brother?

Sobrang hirap ng sitwasyon. Nagdaan nalang ang prelim exam nang 'di ko parin kami nagpapansinan o nag-uusap. Walang last-minute study hangouts, walang pa-alay na yakult... walang kahit anong nakasanayan. I did my best to not be bothered by it too much. I always reminded myself na kahit kailan ay 'di na ako magpapadala sa emosyon ko. I've been through a lot when I was in an emotional wreck while I was still in a relationship. Sobrang naapektuhan nito ang pag-aaral ko. Ayoko nang maulit pa 'yon kahit na doble ng naramdaman kong sakit noon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

A few days after our exams ay pinatawag kami ng research adviser namin regarding our theses. Kakatapos lang nitong ma-print at ma-hardbound, at ngayon ay kailangan naman naming i-check sa printing press to make sure na wala nang problema 'dun before we submit it to the library.

Supposedly, ang pinapatawag lang ay ang group representative. And in our group, it was obviously me. Kaso nga lang since palagi kaming 'di nagkakasundo ni Abby when it comes to our study ay parati kaming dalawa ang nagre-represent sa group namin para mailahad namin ang mga concerns and inputs namin sa research adviser at the same time. You wouldn't wanna know how much we argued in front of him already. Kulang nalang ay ipatapon kami ni Doc Leo palabas ng office niya dahil sa walang-tigil naming bangayan.

"You should really talk to her already," bulong ni Abby sa tabi ko.

Nanatili lang akong nakahilig sa counter ng printing press habang hinihintay na bumalik iyong isang staff with our hardbound thesis.

I heard her sigh but I didn't bother looking or minding her.

"Don't you think that this is already getting out of hand?"

"I don't wanna talk to you." Tipid kong sagot.

I know, petty. But it just feels so good!

Bakit lahat sila ay ako ang pinapalabas na masamang tao? Kailangan ko rin bang umiyak sa harapan nila? Kailangan ko rin bang magkaroon ng secret boyfriend para maintindihan nila 'yung nararamdaman ko?

Are my feelings all invalid just because ako 'yung kapatid at kaibigan na 'di marunong makaintindi at 'di kayang tanggapin na pinaglihiman siya, hindi lang ng sarili niyang kapatid, kundi pati narin ng mga kaibigan niya?