Busy being Yours

28. Numbing Triggers

TW: A detailed description of a surgical patient

Long chapter ahead! 11K words.

xx

They say kapag nag-doktor ka, minsan ay nagiging manhid ka na para sa maraming bagay. You witness death everyday. You deal with complicated and hopeless cases on a regular basis. You're always walking along that thin line between life and death for your patients.

Hindi ka Diyos pero parang hawak mo ang buhay ng ibang tao.

And to be honest, I really can't blame others for thinking that this profession numbs us from feeling for a lot of things. Indeed, you need to be numb in order to toughen it up and to accept that just like everything else in this world, life is just a passing thing. Kahit anong galing mo pa, kahit gaano pa ka intense ang pag-aaral mo para maisalba ang isang tao, kung oras na niya ay oras na nga niya ito.

But it's a different case for me.

I am still a medical clerk. Barely out of medical school yet. I haven't grown a thicker skin for these kind of things.

Ang sabi nga ng isang doctor sa amin, we're on this awkward phase where we're on a high for learning and being in the actual setting but at the same time, we still can't handle the other side of it... the darker and harsher side — the reality. Hindi ko pa masyadong naiintindihan 'yun noon, siguro kasi dahil wala pa akong nararanasang mga cases noon na masyadong kumplikado but ever since I started my rotation at the Surgical department... It has always been a nightmare for me.

Araw-araw ay nararanasan ko ang mga kumplikadong kaso, 'yung tipong mapapaisip ka nalang kung may pag-asa pa ba ito o kailangan nang sukuan. And what's even harder is that you cannot give up until the patient is proclaimed dead... Habang humihinga at may kaunting buhay pang dumadaloy sa katawan ng isang tao, trabaho ng isang doktor ang pagalingin at panatiliin itong buhay sa abot ng makakaya mo.

Naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ang mga surgeon ang least approachable, more reserved, at introverted types of doctors na nakakasalamuha ko. Hindi biro ang mga trabaho nila. It drains them so much na mas pipiliin nalang nilang magpahinga matapos ang bawat surgery kesa sa makisalamuha sa mga katrabaho. I'm not generalizing, by the way. I'm just plainly observing and stating my opinion.

May mga iilang surgeons parin namang sobrang bibo at may iilang doktor rin sa ibang department na ubod ng kasungitan but most of them are the other way around. 'Di ko tuloy mapigilang mapaisip kung magiging anong klaseng surgeon si Jason after a few years. He always wanted to be a cardiothoracic one... Isa sa mga may pinaka-kumplikadong trabaho. I do hope that he won't lose his sunshine along the way. I can always imagine him bringing light inside the OR through his smiles and hopeful looks and cheesy jokes. 'Yung tipong kahit anong hirap pa ang kasong kakaharapin nila ay napapagaan niya ang loob, hindi lang ng pasyente nito, kundi pati narin ng iba pa niyang kasamahan sa loob ng operating room.

I'd like to work with someone like that in the near future. As an aspiring anesthiologist, I always wanted to be in that kind of environment. Siguro kasi sa opinyon ko, ay mapapagaan nito ang mararamdaman kong kaba, knowing that I'll be the first one to handle the patient on the operating table. One wrong move from me will fuck up the rest of the procedure.

Nakakatawa na ang layo-layo na ng iniisip ko pero sa mismong sitwasyon ko ngayon ay wala akong magawa.

I just stood there frozen. My surgical gloves were a bit bloody because I helped the intern on assisting the surgeon. Kanina pa ako nagpipigil ng sarili na 'wag manginig sa takot. I can't have shaky hands while a patient is on the table but I couldn't help it.