Busy being Yours

30. Of Rescuing and Hugs

Fourteen days.

It's been exactly two weeks since I found out about Samson— Jason's son. Minsan ay nagigising parin ako sa gitna ng gabi habang iniisip ang tungkol sakanya. Kung anong klaseng paghihirap ang pinagdaanan nito, kung anong klaseng sakit ang nararamdaman ni Celia, kung gaano kalalang pagsisisi ang nagmumulto kay Jason.

I sometimes talk and convince myself that it was all just a dream. That Jason is still Jason, the one that I know... 'Yung tipong unang tingin mo palang sakanya ay mab-bwiset ka na dahil wala ka pa ngang ginagawa ay nakangisi na siya... Like an idiot. I know, a bit harsh to describe Jason but at least he's Jason, not a grieving father of a child who died seven years ago trying to hide behind smiles to conceal what he truly feels.

Sobrang hirap na dala-dala ko ang lihim na ito habang araw-araw kong kaharap ang mga kaibigan namin. I'm always around Lilith and Clem, tending the future bride's needs both for her wedding and her pregnancy, although mostly pregnancy, since Jason's still taking care of the wedding part being the man of honor (I finally found a way to call him that instead of cringing every time he calls himself the maid of honor). Kapag nasa hospital naman ako ay kasama naming pareho ni Jas sina Sixto, Abby at Ai. If only I was the person that I was two weeks ago, I would be glad na kasa-kasama ko ang mga kaibigan namin sa iisang ospital, it was supposed to be fun and convenient... We can easily meet to have shorts study breaks or even breaks in general if we wanted to.

Kaso hindi na eh.

I can't discuss chronic heart disease with Abby during our study breaks without thinking about Samson or Jason, I can't bare listening to Ai talking about how fun it was having child patients, I can't even look at Sixto every time he bitterly jokes about his cousin possibly hiding a wife and a child.

Kahit saang angulo ko man tingnan ay ibang-iba na ang mundo para sa 'kin. It's like waking up feeling like you're an entirely different person in an entirely different universe. Ako parin naman ito pero alam mong may nagbago na.

Nakakalma ko lang ang sarili ko sa tuwing nagkakatagpo kami ni Luke. Yes, Luciano Mariano Jr.. He visits me as much as he can, whenever Clem is occupied with Lilith or her family or with other things. Alam kong medyo awkward na nakikipagkita ako sa boyfriend ng best friend ko in secret but it's not as bad as it seems. Lalong-lalo na kapag alam naming pareho na maliban kay Jason ay kami lang ang nakakaramdam ng kabigatan ng dala-dala nitong problema.

"Paano mo nagagawang hindi sabihin kay Clem? Kay Lilith?" Tanong ko dito, isang araw habang binibisita niya ako during one of my shifts. Day off ni Jason habang may lakad si Clem kasama ang nakakatanda nitong kapatid.

Luke adjusted his glasses before playing with the rim of his coffee cup. "I love Clem... With all my heart, you know that. I love Lilith... I would never lie to them. But it's Jason, June..." Tinitigan niya ako, "He's my best friend. My brother. I love him first. Hindi ko man maintindihan kung anong kinakatakutan niya knowing that those two are very understanding individuals, I'll still keep my mouth shut. Because I kept a promise... And he asked me to keep it that way. Nirerespeto ko desisyon niya. It's not my story to tell after all."

I nodded.

Hindi ko man lubusang maintindihan si Luke ay alam ko kung anong pinanggagalingan nito. It goes the same for me.

I value Jason that same way as he does. Hanggang sa kaya kong ibigay ang hinihingi niya ay ibibigay ko iyon.

"Clem and I are best friends but we don't have what you and Jason have." I smiled. Hindi ko naman sinasabing shitty na ang pagkakaibigan naming dalawa ni Clem just because we still keep secrets from each other. God knows how much our friendship has been through as well kahit na 'di man ito kasing tagal ng pagkakaibigan nina Luke at Jas. We both survived Clem's traumatic relationship with her ex, my break up with David, her leaving the country, and me trying to prove myself worthy of my place here in med school.