Busy being Yours

49. Busy Being Yours

TW: themes with depression and substance dependence

Also I recommend to play the song on the multimedia, ginamit ko na before but it suits the chapter so much. This is the hardest yet my favorite chapter to write.

Next update will be the epilogue. Words can't express how thankful I am to all of you. Thank you for believing in J&J, thank you for sticking with them. They deserve the world. 🧡

Stay safe and stay sane. I wish you all well.

xx

Everyone's happy.

Everyone is smiling. Celebrating. Having the time of their lives. And I just stood in the middle of it all- angry, confused, sad, and tired.

Patuloy parin ang lahat sa batian at yakapan, pati na rin sa tawanan. I looked at my parents and they're beaming at me, napakalapad ng mga ngiti nila, almost reaching their ears.

It hurts.

Mama looked at me with bright, glassy eyes. Sinubukuan kong ngitian ito pabalik. She cupped her mouth using both of her hands to stop herself from smiling before she pulled me and gave me the tightest hug that I received this day.

"Proud na proud ako sa 'yo, anak. May anak na akong doktora." Iyak nito bago bahagyang humiwalay sa 'kin, nanatili sa bewang ko ang mga kamay nito. She looked at Papa who was also looking at the both of us, hawak-hawak nito ang bouquet ko. "May doktora na tayo... Naalala mo dati Pa, bukambibig lang ni Bebi nung maliit pa siya na gusto niyang maging doctor. Na siya magpapagaling sa lahat ng may sakit sa mundo..." She chuckled again before wiping her tears away, "and now... Tingnan mo."

Mas lalo pa akong hinila ni Mama sa gilid niya. I looked at them both, my lips were already quivering. "Lahat ng paghihirap ko bawat pagsampa ko sa barko ay nagbunga na." Agad akong napapikit nang hinalikan ni Papa ang noo ko, "Tapos na rin sa wakas ang bunso ko." He held my cheek and smiled proudly, "Maraming salamat, Bebi."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang emosyon kong kani-kanina ko pa pilit na pinipigilan. I tried to smile pero mas masakit lang kapag pinipilit ko... I bit my lips even more before I wrapped my arms around him.

I cried while holding on to my father.

Gusto kong maging masaya. Gusto kong maramdaman 'yung pride na nararamdaman nila para sa 'kin pero bakit parang ang hirap? I can't even find the joy that I should be feeling at this moment.

Tama si Mama, it has always been my dream since I was little. To become a doctor. To be great at it. And now I'm almost a step closer to fulfilling that dream but I'm just here, feeling sick and wanting to get over it already.

"Pero... Pero hindi po ako nag-top sa batch ko," bulong ko kay Papa habang yakap-yakap niya parin ako.

"Ano?" He looked at me as if I was talking nonsense. Agad itong umiling at pinalis ang luha ko. "Anak, you're the second best in your class. That's already more than enough, hindi madali ang pagme-medisina."

Para na naman akong malalagutan ng hininga.

Bakit hindi ko kayang tanggapin? Why can't I just make it all simple and think just like them? Kasi hindi naman kasi katanggap-tanggap. I can't find the strength to accept the truth that I wasn't good enough.

Alam kong kaya ko eh. Alam kong kaya kong lampasan at higitan si Abby. We were in a tight competition but I know that I can win over her. Malapit na ako dun... Iyon lang ang tanging pinapangarap ko ever since I entered med school, but it all went down the drain because during the past few months, I let my guard down. Masyado akong naging kampante, masyado akong nagpadala sa mga bagay na 'di ko naman dapat pinoproblema and look where it brought me?