I've just been replaying this scene in my head, and no matter what I do, I can't shake it off (no. don't reference to Taylor Swift or I will murder you.)
So here it is. This really depressing scene. (FRERARD IMAGINES.)
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He was about to walk away, but I grabbed him by the wrist and I turned him around, his eyes widening at my sudden outburst. I saw that he was just about to smack my hand away, but when he tried, I gripped harder.
"Don't you fucking run," I said, looking up at Gerard. "Don't you dare, don't you fucking run. You have no fucking idea how much I've been dreading to do this, that this was my last and final option, but oh well."
He set his jaw, but didn't reply.
"You have no fucking idea how much you've made my life a living hell, but you know what? I stuck around because I wanted to know what you'd do next. Little did I know, that you'd do NOTHING." I laughed, his eyes softening.
"I wanted to explain. I wanted to explain this to you before you can finally tear me apart and rip me out of your life, because that's okay if you wanna do that. It's okay if you can hurt me, torture me from the inside, just as long as I can deal with it. You can play around with my feelings, even though to some people it's not okay, but I can handle it. I'm strong enough."
"You know what's not okay? You know what really isn't okay? The fact that I know that you can do something, and you know that too, but you don't do shit. You push that feeling aside to think about it later. I want you to know that I do that too, and I know it isn't alright for myself because I've done it. I know how it feels to push aside a feeling that you know you're drawn to, but too scared to confront."
"Do you wanna know what that feeling is? Of course not, but I'm still gonna tell you what it is anyways."
"That feeling is the feeling of trying to befriend someone when you know that they like you... more than being friends. I'm going to say this, right here, right now. I like you. There's nothing else that's gonna change that. You can toy around with it, play with it, but muzzling it isn't okay. It just hurts like every other physical pain, only ten times worse."
"Fuck, Gerard! You don't know what it's like to be me. You have no idea how much it hurts, how much it fucking hurts to see you sit next to me everyday. To know that you're actually a real human being, to know that you aren't some figment of my imagination. If you are, I'm hallucinating pretty badly."
"That's why, every time I see you, it feels like a punch to the gut. It hurts. I even thought about how simple it'd be if either of us didn't exist. Like, if I were dead long gone before you came in, or you never came into this world in the first place." I sighed, knowing that he was still listening to my pour my heart out onto him. "I can act as if I never knew you. You can act as if you never knew me. We'd all be happy."
"But remember, muzzling that feeling is just as bad as taking a gun to the head and pulling the trigger."
