I sat inside my car, driving down the streets and letting the lights flash and pass by me.
After we fought, I just decided to take some time for myself to cool off; yeah, I wasted gas, but I needed some time to stay away from you. The person I loved, the person I still love.
I just don't understand how you were able to act so cold, so heartless, and throw several years together down the drain. I don't know how you act as if you're okay, and I don't know how you act as if nothing happened.
But the only time when you let your emotions show is when you want to leave.
I wanted the time in which I could vent out onto you and you would sit there and listen, hugging me close with your hands that were always constantly covered in paint. I wanted those artist hands to hold me close, and I still do.
I still want you.
But I know I can't get what I want, I can't get what I wish for. For once, I thought I deserved to hold someone dear, I thought I deserved to keep someone close for once. But, well, of course that can't happen, not now, not ever.
I want to go back to the days where we traveled around the world together, talking about the sights we've seen and the places we've been. The people we've met, the things we've done. I want to know you more again. I want to learn more about you again.
I've cried so many times for so long, but now, everything feels numb. I can't feel anything, I can't react to anything, and I can't say anything. My mouth is shut, but my eyes and ears are open. I want you to say something. I want you to do something.
I want everything to go back to the time in which you were heads over heels for me.
As I glare at my phone, I wait for you to call me. I desperately want you to call me or text me saying that you've made a mistake and you're sorry. I want you to ask me to come home and we can make up for everything that has happened.
I wanted us to joke around, laugh at the simplest things but for the funniest reasons. I want to smile with you, with your grin reaching your eyes instead of not having a smile true like mine.
Now, I think that it's impossible for you to even care. I think it's impossible for you to tell me the truth about everything, as I always think that you're lying.
I want to hug you without having the possibility of being shoved away.
I want to kiss you instead of having a simple peck on the cheek.
I want to see you try in the relationship again.
I want to see you care again.
I want my Gerard back.
I want the Gerard that would always check up on me when I'm playing my guitar and sit there and sing with me. I want you to waltz into my bedroom as I'm getting dressed to talk about this comic that just came out, or show me a drawing or piece that you've made.
Because to me, the small things matter. The things that don't really matter to most people still matter to me.
But all I ask for is my Gerard back.
The one who called me special, the one who had the voice as smooth as honey but could be jagged as a torn piece of fabric as well.
The thing is, I know that I never get what I always want.
To get it off my mind, I reached out to turn the car radio, which wasn't there.
