Affinity (RDJ)

Chapter 10 - We Collide

The week drags by. For the first time since starting college, you actually miss a couple of your classes, favouring quick naps on the silent floor of the library instead.

Never Robert's classes though. You wouldn't miss those.

You spend the entire week trying to keep up the lie. The friends you made, the teacher you liked, the future you dreamed of. It's all hopeless. How dare you have dreams like that? How could you think you could ever live normally after everything? You deserve to suffer in life, as she suffered in death.

But then, do you? It was only a week ago that you were convincing yourself that she'd want you to live life for the both of you. To make every day count. Not to waste your days when they're so fragile, so limited.

You don't know anymore.

By the end of the week, you're exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The mental tug of war is draining you and you're getting used to living in a haze of internal torture.

Robert keeps checking in through the week, catching your eye, mouthing 'you okay?' every now and again, definitely not believing you when you smile and nod. But he doesn't push it. Never oversteps. Just knowing he's there is enough. The distraction of his lectures is getting you through the week and you're actually thankful for homework for once.

The weekend finally comes and you're ready to collapse. You've spent all of your waking hours either at the hospital or the library, catching a few winks of sleep here and there. Your mom has started her new meds but the doctor says it could be weeks before signs of improvement will start to show. Nothing yet.

You sigh, deciding that it's high time you leave your seat in the library and catch the bus to the hospital. It's 4.30 and the sun sets pretty early nowadays, the orange glow outside hinting that darkness is close. You stand, gathering your books and head out the doors across the car park.

As you round the corner, you hear a desperate voice speaking in hushed tones up ahead.

'Please, don't do that. You know I... fuck, no, you know that's not what I mean!' The voice is coming from a small courtyard cut into the side of the building, and it's not until you're almost past it that you recognise it to be Robert's.

You slow, peeking through the hedges. Robert is standing with his back to you, a cell phone clutched tightly in his hand. 'I can't... hang on, no-' he holds the phone away from his face, looking at the screen to see it black. 'Fuck!' he blurts angrily, kicking the floor with his foot. You step out from your spot and before you even realise it, you're speaking.

'Robert?' you say meekly.

He turns, looking at you with wide eyes. 'Remy! I... uh...' he stutters, clearly taken off guard. He sighs, running a hand through his hair. 'Sorry... you heard that, didn't you?' he asks, looking guilty that you witnessed his outburst.

You shift awkwardly, pulling at your sleeves. 'I just... I heard someone and I didn't realise it was you 'til I got closer. Sorry, this really isn't my business...' you trail off, looking awkwardly to the direction you're supposed to be walking in, half wishing you'd just carried on.

'No, it's okay. I just... shit. I just have... a lot going on right now, ya know?' His hand drops by his side and he just stands there, looking lost. He's been such a pillar for you that you didn't even consider what he might have going on in his personal life. Now you feel shitty.

'You wanna walk?' you ask him, realising only afterwards how stupid it sounds. 'I mean... uh, it could help clear your mind if you walk it off...'

He smiles but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. 'That's not a bad idea,' he says, turning to walk. He tilts his head round in your direction after taking a few strides. 'You coming?' he asks confidently. You quicken your steps and join him as he turns away and starts walking towards the back of the college buildings, falling in step with him.