Be Still My Heart

Troubled Past (Warning: Sensitive Topics)

Wanda POV-

I head back to my room and quickly change into some jogger sweats and a t-shirt before heading back into Y/N's room. I'm not sure where to sit while I wait. I walk over to the wall of windows and look out at the water. The sun is right above us right now. Only half the day is gone, yet it feels like so much has happened.

I hear the shower water turn off and notice that there was no music playing. I step away from the windows and walk over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge of it. Y/N comes out a minute later with a towel wrapped around her body, her wet hair hanging over her shoulder.

"You didn't have any music playing." She shrugs her shoulders but avoids eye contact as she walks into her closet. "I was trying to figure out what I am going to tell you. I needed to not block out my thoughts." She comes back out in a black sports bra and sweatpants, a t-shirt in hand.

"Here, can you?" She hands me some butterfly strips and a large gauze bandage. "Yeah, here lay down on your side on the bed." I stand up stepping back so Y/N can lay down. "Just butterfly strip both then tape the gauze bandage over it."

It already looks like they are starting to bleed again. "One second," I head into the bathroom and find a small hand towel to wipe away the blood and dry the area. Y/N's eyes are shut tight as she waits for me to help her.

Her body jerks away from my touch initially. "Relax, Y/N." I lay my hand flat on her side. I unpeel each butterfly strip and place them first across the mark she got from healing Peter. "Did this reopen today while we were training?" She nods her head and finally opens her eyes to watch me.

The mark from healing me is smaller but deeper. I place two across the opening to help it stay shut. "I told you it was deep. You would have needed stitches." I roll my eyes at her comment. "Your side could probably use stitches then."

I place some antibiotic and pain ointment around the wounds before placing the gauze wrap over top of the marks and taping it down. "It wouldn't be worth stitches. It'll be mostly healed by tomorrow morning and probably completely gone by tomorrow night. Everything heals quickly. I've never had butterfly bandages not work."

Y/N sits up and pushes herself back on the bed so she can rest on the headboard. She throws on the t-shirt she grabbed from her closet and carefully pulls it down over her side. I don't know where to go: sit on the bed, next to her, across from her, should I stand, give her space? I'm overthinking this.

"Wanda," Y/N motions next to her on the bed giving me my answer. I step around the bed and sit down next to her. I wonder how much it hurts. She acts like they are minor, like she is used to the pain. Y/N reaches over and grabs my hand. "What do you want to know?"

She starts rubbing her thumb back and forth across the back of my hand leaving me momentarily speechless. "Wanda?" I look up to see Y/N's eyes, more grey today than blue. "Talk to me."

Y/N POV-

I know she doesn't want to feel like she is pushing me. I can see her ready to ask but avoiding the questions that are killing her not to know. "Why do you feel like you deserve it, the pain?"

I don't know how to explain this without worrying her. "I have always been a healer, even before I found out I had this ability. I always had a sort of savior complex, like I could fix anything people needed help with. But not everything can be healed." Wanda shifts around on the bed so her legs are against mine, barely touching but letting me know she is there.

"I got really close with this guy when I was younger, before I knew the true extent of my ability. We hung out all the time and looking back I know he had some pretty severe depression. I was his only joy and thing to look forward to in his life according to him. I didn't think much of it until I told him that I was moving away after we graduated high school. My parents were having me move again to restart high school in another area, but I couldn't tell him that." I look down at my lap for a second laughing to myself before looking back up at Wanda. "People get suspicious when your high school pictures don't show you aging."

Wanda lightly laughs at my joke, but her face is filled with sympathy. I think she knows where this story is going. "We were getting closer and closer to graduation and me moving away when he started pushing me away. He kept getting more and more aggressive until one day after class he ended up pushing me down to the ground. It shredded up the back of my arms since I landed on concrete. He was saying awful things like how I would just get tired of him and that he wasn't good enough. That once I was gone, there was no point."

I relive that memory too often. It is just one of many that haunts my nightmares. I shut my eyes briefly and try to push it away, to keep the tears at bay. Him looking down at me, my arms stinging, the hot cement, his shaky hands and voice. "His parents knew we were close and they called my parents that night. When he didn't come down for dinner, they went to his room and found him dead, an overdose. There were empty pill bottles surrounding him that he had taken from his parents. It was too late to save him."

A tear betrayed me and slipped down my cheek. Wanda reaches forward with her free hand and slowly wipes it away. "It is not your fault, Y/N. He had a mental disorder. You did everything you could." I look up to the ceiling and take a shaky breath trying to calm my fast beating heart. "But I couldn't help him. Just like how I couldn't help my parents anymore. They died because I couldn't save them anymore. People die and I can't do anything about it. If I had just known, known he was going to do that."

Wanda launches herself forward into my arms pulling me into a hug. "You can't save everyone, Y/N." She pulls back and places her hands on my neck, her thumbs wipe away more tears. "I have so much that floats around my head, Wanda. Memories from the last time I saw him. Memories of holding my parents hands as they died in that hospital. Memories of losing everyone important to me. It is why I have music playing all the time. If I play it loud enough, I can't focus on the thoughts in my head. I can just exist without the pain. And taking others pain? It's just a fraction of what I feel in my head but I can see it, physically run my fingers over it. My pain is no longer abstract."

Wanda's eyes are flooding with tears now too. "It is the only control I have over my life, saving others the pain that I can handle. Pain that I want to feel to match the pain I feel mentally every day." I can't believe I said all that. I don't know if I ever fully vocalized it to anyone before. I scoot down on the bed some so my head can rest on the pillow. Wanda lays down next to me, her head tucked into my shoulder. She looks up at me waiting for me to look down at her, "I am not going anywhere, okay? Thank you for telling me." She sniffles as she lightly places her hand on my chest and starts scratching lightly.

The pressure of her body pressed against me is calming. I tilt my head down to speak quietly to Wanda, "Can we take a nap? This morning I had my butt kicked by a fiery red head." She shakes her head at my comment then nuzzles into me more. Her small laugh sends butterflies through my stomach. "Can I stay right here?" She looks up at me, her eyebrows raised. "Please do." I wrap my arm around her back resting my hand on her hip to pull her even closer to me. I don't want her to ever leave.