Solace of Calluna

Chapter 34

Chapter 34
Flower

"What have you been doing, thinking, and feeling since our previous sessions?"

I casually fixed my eyes to the 19 year old woman who's busy biting her lower lip as she occupies the chair in front of me.

She looks at me before taking a deep breath, "I... I'm not sure... There's a lot going on in my head, of course. Sometimes, I try to write on my journal to burst out my thoughts. Sometimes, I meditate like what mom suggested... Sometimes... I do nothing... I don't know."

She keeps looking at no certain direction while talking, while I maintain my eye contact on her.

This is the third time that I'm meeting her. During our initial meeting, aside from my introduction, I also discussed the things that she have to participate in order for the sessions to be successful. We agreed on the informed consent too, wherein I presented her rights, things to expect, limits of confidentiality, psychological evaluations, and more. And I also shared my insights and plans for her based on the thoughts that she have shared to me.

And I have to say that I'm quite surprised that she manages to share more information now. Unlike our first 3 sessions, she just answers almost all of my questions with a simple "Yes", "No", "I don't know", and "Maybe".

"What do you feel when you're doing nothing?"

"I feel... empty as well."

I nodded and moderately smiled, "You said you've started writing on your journal? What are the things that you usually write?"

She pursed her lips before looking away, "I c-can't remember everything."

I gave her a more tender looking smile. "It's okay. You can just tell me some parts that you remember..."

She turned to me but eventually looked away once again.

"I can be your living journal, if it's okay with you. If you would let me."

One thing that I've learned in my expertise is the importance of trust.

I have been gaining the trust of my clients, or therapeutic alliance in psychological terms. I know that I have to because it's my profession to find effectual solutions in their problems, but I vigorously believe that it has deeper value than that.

And each time that I talk with them, the more that I realize that I'm veracious.

The process of trusting someone and even gaining the trust of someone can be hard most of the times as it doesn't just come away by complimenting something, bribing them, or just simply having a pure intention to others. You have to be genuine as you engage yourself to them, perhaps more so meaningful if you can determine their honest perceptions in the word 'trust'.

Trust doesn't always come easily, and that's absolutely acceptable.

Minsan pa nga, umaabot pa ng hanggang 8 meetings bago ko tuluyang nakukuha ang tiwala ng mga kliyente. At naiintindihan ko sila.

It's their own emotions. It's their own experiences. I shouldn't judge them.

Hence, I understand this kind of reaction from Carah, a client of mine who has a self-destructing behavior. She's my third client since I started working as a clinical psychologist. Although I have handled various patients with different forms of problems during my 2 years training and counseling, and I had a counselor who supervises me on how to do those things.

"Die."

She said after a long moment of silence. She looks straight into my eyes.

"I want to die so I could live."