Divorced // bang yongguk (#26)

사십 육

Sena

I laid down on the bed and stared at my ceiling which seems kind of boring even though it is filled with stars and sparkles that I bought from the art supplies store, my mother brought me there a few years ago and I remembered that we spent the entire day trying to make it look beautiful but now I am the only person who thinks that it is beautiful.

She doesn't even care much about the ceiling, she always doesn't care about me and my younger siblings, she would have called back often if she cared about the three of us. It has been almost 2 years ever since she separated from our father and she hasn't even called back 10 times and I did most of the calling, I tried to call her now and then on our special occasions, my birthday, my younger brothers' birthday and her birthday, I called her on those dates and all I get back is the same words over and over again.

It is as if she made a template and memorized that sentence for us, thinking that we don't know that it is the same and she sends us the same gifts all the time without even knowing that she has already sent the same one the previous year. And because of that, I have 2 teddy bears of the same colours and the same size, they are like a couple in love.

Couples, I hated that word so much to the point that I would roll my eyes when I see a couple on the streets. Why would they even want to date each other if they are going to break up with each other at some point?

I just can't understand why they can get married for almost half of their lives and they would suddenly not love each other anymore and they would end the marriage between the two of them, the children don't matter and they get sandwiched in between without any choice at all.

That was the situation that my siblings and I were in when my parents started yelling at each other 2 years ago and my father found out that my mother was cheating on him with her colleague, they have been dating each other even before Sehyun was born and it was more than 6 years that my mother had been having sex with another man who is not my father and we are kept in the dark the entire time.

I was utterly shocked when I found out and I hated my mother for a while for not loving my father but she promised that she would still come over to see us when she has the time and she hasn't even come over once, to be honest, my father was the one who prevented her from seeing us but she could have made some effort to see us nevertheless.

All I got is a scripted message from her every single time she picks up my calls, and I get hurt every single time she does that and I wished that she was more loving towards me. I am her firstborn after all and I have been her daughter for 17 years, it is only right that she would pay attention to me rather than my 2 younger brothers but she just doesn't.

Maybe she is stressed out about work the last time I called her... I turned towards my phone and I reached for it, making a call to my mother and I waited for her to pick up, she will never pick up the first time and it would take at least 30 minutes.

The first one was disconnected as I have expected and I made the second call, and this time she picked up even faster than I had expected. "Hello, who is this?" I looked at the caller ID, I did call my mother and it is her voice but why doesn't she realize that?

"Hello? Who are you exactly?" She doesn't know my number but it is the same number and I haven't changed it. "Honey, who is it?" I heard another voice, it was the man who broke up our family. "I don't know, it is a scammer and the person is not talking at all. They dare to call me during this time, they have nothing to do." My mother replied to the man. "Continue to grind my dick, I swear that you are always that sexy riding me." And I began to hear all the sounds that I have never expected to hear but I am hearing my mother's voice doing all that, traumatizing my brain and I immediately hang up the call and made my way out of my room leaving my phone in there because I am so embarrassed about it.

I got out of my room and I faced a person that I never wanted to see and she is right in front of me but at this moment, I didn't hate her and want her to get the hell out of my house. Instead, she looked like someone that I could rely on and that is what I did, I went into her arms and it took me just a second to burst into tears.

I have never imagined myself to be crying outside of my room, I have also never imagined that I would be crying in front of Han Yiyeong. She is a person that I would not even want to see but she seemed like someone who can comfort my heart and soul, she seems like the perfect person for that moment.

Han Yiyeong is a very good babysitter and Bang Sehyun is one example, my younger brother usually doesn't allow anyone else to hold him and to feed him food and he calls her Yiyeong Omma which means that she has a special place in his heart. My other brother SeJeong might look like he doesn't give a damn about anything else but I have seen him getting close to Han Yiyeong and allowing Han Yiyeong to prepare meals for him and I have never seen my brother allowing anyone to take control of his life except for Han Yiyeong.

And now I am starting to rely on her as well, she has been there for me the entire time and she was there when I fell sick and I collapsed, she was the one who bought me there and she stayed up for a few nights in a row just trying to keep an eye on me but I treated her as if she is nothing and I realized how horrible I was to her.

I thought that she was like my mother but she is nothing like my mother, my actual mother is far from the mother that I wanted to have, Han Yiyeong is then the mother that I wanted to have in my life and I can't believe that it took me so long to realize that.