Untouchable face

33.

Today was a very bad day. Meredith realized somewhere deep down that thinking it was a bad day was really wrong and might make her a bad doctor. Because today would be a day to celebrate with any other case, with any other patient. But Meredith really didn't feel like celebrating today. Her patient was going home. No matter what anyone said, Derek Shepherd was her patient. She had been handling him since day one, dealing with all of his pain and the check ups and his terrible moods. He was her patient. And today he was going home. Today might be the last day she would ever see him. And it was really good he was going home, amazing. Back injuries were always serious, no one knew what to expect with them and this could have gone so many different ways so the fact he was going home and starting to rebuild his life was really good. But Meredith had no idea how she was going to rebuild hers.

Last night, she had spent all night with him, just talking. That was it. She had just talked to him. She wasn't someone who usually just talked to a guy, but she had. And it had been one of the best nights of her life. Which should have been good, but instead it was awful. Because he was going home with his girlfriend, and she was not his girlfriend. She had kept it in mind this whole time. Sometimes it was hard to remember, when they were alone and talking but overall, she kept in mind that he was never hers. But last night she had let herself forget and it had felt amazing and now today the real world was crashing down around her.

There wouldn't be quiet meetings with magazines and chocolate. There wouldn't be his jokes that weren't all that funny but she laughed anyway. All of that was over and even though she was supposed to be off today, she was still standing here in his room, watching his mother and his girlfriend get him ready. And she couldn't breathe.

It was always going to come to this. She got that. He said he was going to visit and she was sure he probably would come back a few times, but she knew how it went. He'd get better, stronger, life would start again and he'd get busy and he'd forget about going to visit his old doctor. Once he was past this, he would want to forget about it. Once he could live again, he would decide to move forward. He would get married, have a family, and only the scars on his body and the random bouts of pain would remind him of his hospital stay. And that would be it. He'd probably forget her name.

And she had no idea what she was going to do. She didn't believe in love or forever or any of those things but she had a feeling she was never going to forget about Derek Shepherd. She had no idea why, he wasn't that special, but she had a feeling that part of what she was feeling right now, wouldn't ever vanish. And it was driving her crazy. Watching this was stupid and...self-destructive. Which just described most of her life. Stupid and self-destructive. She had worked thirty-six hours straight, she was supposed to be going home. But instead, she was watching her patient go home. And she was blinking back tears.

"And we grabbed all the magazines, right?" Maggie asked.

"I have them in the bag, sweetheart," Mrs. Shepherd smiled as Meredith leaned against the wall. The magazines. She had given Derek those magazines.

"Okay good," Maggie nodded.

"And all of Derek's clothes are packed."

"Good. We can't forget anything."

"Ma's never forgotten anything in her life, Mags," Derek sighed and Meredith could swear she felt his eyes on her.

"I know, Derek," Maggie sighed. "It's just...you've been here so long, there's a lot."

"There is," Mrs. Shepherd agreed. "And we'll make sure we have it all."

"I'm sure if we forget anything, the hospital will keep it for us," Derek breathed.

"We...will," Meredith murmured. "And Aaron can give it to you next week."

"Or you can," Derek sighed.