Untouchable face

31.

Meredith hated being on call over night. She had known going in it was part of the job but she hadn't expected it to be so annoying. Staying up all night in college had been one thing, it had involved coffee and slaving over a paper, but staying up now felt like really boring torture. Sometimes, when the nights was crazy, it went fast. She would go home the next day and be completely amazed that she had made it. But today wasn't one of those days. The entire day had been completely boring, even if she wasn't going to say that to anyone. If she said it, it would get crazy. And she was too tired for crazy. It probably didn't help that she wasn't sleeping well. She really wasn't sleeping at all, she was just tossing and turning at night and trying really hard not to think about Derek. So now she really could use a nap but that never ended well. Naps were almost always interrupted by big cases she needed to be alert for.

So, just like in college, it was better to stay up all night. Even if it was quiet, she just had to stay awake and maybe do some studying. Which would be easier if she weren't thinking about her patient that was going home tomorrow. She wasn't looking forward to that at all.

She knew it was coming. And it was really good that he was. He had had a serious injury and going home was a huge and amazing step. She should be excited for him. Except all she could think about was that she had no idea what her days would be like without their talks. Everything would just change completely, or go back to normal. She would go back to just working non-stop and not really having anything to look forward to. Which was pathetic. She just sounded totally pathetic. But she loved their talks, and she would miss Derek Shepherd.

She wasn't used to missing people. She had never really had anyone to miss. Growing up she had missed her dad for a while but she had gotten over that pretty quickly and since then, she had been alone for so long that she wasn't even used to missing people. But she knew she'd miss him a lot. He kept saying he would come and visit, which would be nice. But she had gotten used to just going into his room and talking. She was stupid, completely stupid, and she could practically hear Aaron telling her to just stop thinking about Derek. But she couldn't.

She had tried. She had tried really hard but she really couldn't help it. Derek was just amazing and funny and the last person she should be thinking about. He loved his girlfriend, he was really happy with his girlfriend and she really needed to just forget about all of this.

But she couldn't. She couldn't stop thinking about him. Which was probably why she was headed to his room instead of staying in the residents' lounge and working on charts. She was going to his room and it meant she was breaking all of Aaron's rules. She wasn't supposed to be alone with Derek anymore.

Not that it really mattered right now. He was probably sound asleep and Maggie might be there so it wasn't like she could even talk to him. She would just go check on him and make sure he was okay because she was his doctor and that's what her job was. Good doctors checked on their patients, even up to the last minute. So it wouldn't be weird. Maggie would probably smile at her and say Derek wasn't in as much pain. It would be fine. She took a deep breath and opened the door to Derek's room, smiling at the sound of the TV.

"Hey you," a voice greeted her from the bed.

"Derek?" she frowned.

"Yes."

"Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" she asked, looking around the room. "Where's Maggie?"

"She's home for the night to get things ready," he sighed. "And...I can't."

"Oh," she nodded slowly. "Are you in pain?"

"Not any worse than usual."

"Good," she murmured as she picked up his chart and flipped through it.