Untouchable face

41.

Maggie really missed Derek. It didn't make much sense, he was right there but it seemed like it had been a long time since she had actually talked to her boyfriend. She wasn't sure when it had happened but this new existence was exhausting her. It was making her want to curl up and never move again.

Everything had changed so drastically after his accident. Before, they had been this happy couple that never fought and always had things to talk about. But now, she wasn't sure who this guy was. They hardly ever talked anymore and when they did, they always seemed to fight. It was just so different and she wanted to cry.

She loved Derek. She had loved him from almost the second she had met him and things had felt perfect since they got together. It had been months of dating bliss when he had asker her to move in and she had never regretted the decision. Life with Derek had been mnore than she had ever dreamed of. Lately though everything seemed like more of a nightmare, and she felt like a terrible person for even thinking it. Derek was in a lot of pain, he was learning to walk again, and she couldn't be expecting him to be the guy who greeted her in the morning with kisses and pancakes. But everything seemed to be falling apart, and she hated it.

She was supposed to be supportive. This had to be hell on him and she should be okay with him not being the happy guy it was but she didn't know how to do this. Derek's family had told her before that he could be moody and she had even seen it, but she had been able to get away. She couldn't escape this.'

Escaping this would be...wrong. She still loved him so much and she couldn't expect him to be perfect all the time, it wasn't how relationships worked. But every day, a part of her wanted to escape and she didn't know how to explain that to him. Or if she even should explain it, it sounded so wrong. They hadn't actually said much about marriage but she was pretty sure that's where she wanted this to go, at least it had been. And if she was going to marry the man, she was supposed to stay by him through sickness and health so she couldn't be thinking of running when things got a little rocky.

But she missed her boyfriend and she was starting to get weird feelings about...everything. She knew Derek Shepherd loved her, she knew he was loyal, but she wasn't blind. He had a connection with his doctor, and every time he saw Meredith, he became really quiet around her. She knew he wasn't having an affair with his doctor, Derek would never do that. Maybe if she was dating any other man in the world she would wonder, but Derek was too good of person. She didn't know him the way she thought she had but she did know him well enough to know he would never do that.

But things still felt weird and off and she didn't know how to describe that to anyone. She was probably being stupid and thinking things that just weren't true. But everything was so different right now, and she just wanted it to go back to the way things had been when he had loved her so much she could feel it when he looked at her. She had never had a guy look at her like that before and she'd do anything she could to get it back. She kept hoping that Derek would hit a point in his recovery where things would get better but he was home, his cast was off, he was taking a few steps alone, and he still wasn't back to being him.

It made her feel like a caretaker. Like a live-in nurse and she was tired of feeling that way. She wanted to be happy and in love again, instead of watching him from the kitchen, his old sweatshirt wrapped around her body. She was tired of feeling this way.

She needed to do something, she needed something to shift. She had been thinking that maybe all it would take was him getting cleared for sex again, but she really didn't want to wait for sex to reconnect with a guy she used to feel entirely connected to.

"How did therapy go?" she asked, coming back into the living room.

"Oh...good," he nodded.

"How many steps today?"