Untouchable face

35.

Meredith had a feeling she was broken. She didn't actually know what that meant, especially since she had spent most of her life in such a mess that maybe she had always been broken, but up until now she had always been able to turn to tequila to forget about everything. It wasn't healthy but it worked. Until now that was. Now, nothing was working. There had been a lot of margaritas, Joe had taken her car keys, and after her last shot he had given her a look that said she was done before he took her to the hospital to get treated for alcohol poisoning. But she still felt empty, like there was a huge hole in her chest and nothing she could do would fix it. She was screwed. She was screwed and totally broken.

She also figured that there was an easy solution. She was pretty sure if she could have five minutes with Derek right now, five minutes of rolling her eyes at him for being a baby or five minutes of talking about hiking and life and...she was pretty sure five minutes with Derek would fill her for a little bit. Of course, that made her sound like some kind of addict. Like if she could just have one hit, she'd be okay. And she wasn't addicted to Derek, she wasn't even sure it was possible to be addicted to a person. She just missed him. She really missed him. It had been three days and she could barely function long enough to think about why she missed him so much.

She really didn't even know what was going on. Derek was a great guy. He was funny and smart and they had a lot in common and he was amazing to talk to and he was gorgeous but she didn't think all of that added up to how she was feeling right now. Nothing added up to that.

So clearly there was something very wrong with her. Bailey had sent her home early, apparently thinking she was sick or something. So instead, she was sitting at the bar for hours on end, which was just lame. Derek probably wasn't doing this, well he couldn't do it. Because he was really drugged. But he probably wasn't so...broken. He had clearly been a little freaked about going home and she believed him when he said he'd miss her but he was probably really happy now. He loved his house, and he loved Maggie and now that it was back to normal or at least kind of normal, he probably was fine without her.

Which just made her want more tequila. Derek was fine and she was the girl in the bar who was drowning her sorrows in a bottle of tequila. It was lame, beyond lame. Her friends were at work and she was just...drunk. Beyond drunk. Derek Shepherd had completely ruined her life. It made her want to yell at him. It made her want to scream and yell and throw things at him and tell him how horrible of person he was. Except it wasn't like he had actually done anything to make her feel this way and she knew the second she saw him, she probably wouldn't be all that mad. So instead, she was just going to drink. Drink a lot. "Joe," she sighed sadly, wiping her hand over her eyes.

"Yeah, Meredith?" Joe asked gently.

"Nother tequila...margarita...thing."

"I think you've had enough."

"Nope," she shook her head, which made the world spin. "Not till I'm on the floor. No floor yet."

"You're just about there," Joe sighed.
"But not yet."

"Meredith..."

"I'm not! I'm on the stool with the bar and...not the floor."

"You know, some people like talking to bartenders about their problems."

"I have lots of problems, Joe," she sighed. "Lots and lots of problems."

"All of which I'm happy to listen to."

"Kay," she sighed, pushing her glass towards him. "More tequila."

"Will you talk?"

"Sure."

"Fine, but this is your last one."

"We'll see," she sighed softly, rubbing her eyes.

"Last one."