Untouchable face

34.

Being home wasn't everything he had thought it would be. He had imagined it would be amazing, that he would finally feel free without nurses coming in to check him all the time. He had actually thought he might feel better and just be able to relax. But it was the exact opposite. Being home from the hospital was hell. There was no comfort in his home. He had really thought there would be. He had always found his home comforting, especially after Maggie had moved in and he had thought all along that once he got home it would be better again. But instead he felt like he was somewhere he didn't know at all. When he had built his home, Derek had never stopped to think about things like wheelchairs. He hadn't thought he would ever need to wrap his leg in a trash bag to take a shower and grunt his way into the shower as his back protested in pain. He never thought he would need his girlfriend rubbing him down. His house had been designed for the person he had been before the accident.

He knew he would one day be back to that person, at least overall back to that person. He could hear Meredith's voice in his head gently telling him that but right now eventually felt like a really long time away. He had no idea how he could live like this for the next however many weeks it took. The cast was coming off soon, he knew that. But the pain in his back was still extreme and even standing for an extended amount of time made him want to scream. Everything seemed so damn hard and he barely knew how to handle any of it. He hated being home and he was pretty sure he would do anything to be back at Seattle Grace.

At Seattle Grace there had been sponge baths and people taking care of him that weren't his girlfriend. He didn't need to drag his ass to the washroom and he didn't need to push around hallways that were far too narrow. The hospital had been so much easier than this. And Meredith was at Seattle Grace. Meredith with her magazines and chocolates and her soft giggle. She never seemed to get frustrated with him or struggled to hold him. She was just so different from Maggie, and whenever he closed his eyes, he just pictured her telling him he could do this. Actually, he pictured her with tears in her eyes. He hadn't been able to ignore them. She had so clearly been emotional about him leaving and he had no idea what it had meant except the fact he had been fighting back tears just as hard. He had no idea what had happened between them at the hospital but he knew he was already missing it.

Their connection had made this easier and now that she wasn't here, he felt...empty. Maggie was constantly worrying and asking if she was hurting him, and it just pissed him off even more. Which made him feel bad. He was thinking about another woman when his girlfriend was trying so hard to take care of him. He was damn lucky to have Maggie, he knew that. The last few months had been hell on him but she had stayed with him. He wasn't stupid, he knew that everything they had been through had put a strain on their relationship but she was still here. She didn't complain, she didn't roll her eyes, she just always rubbed his back and did her best. He was lucky to have her and he wanted to remember that. He wanted to forget Meredith's green eyes filled with tears and the way she smelled like some kind of flower. But he couldn't. No matter what, he couldn't stop picturing her.

He hadn't really noticed it when he was at the hospital. She was always stopping by so thinking of her had felt natural. But now he was home and he had no idea what was going on. She was a complete mess, she didn't date, she was clearly damaged and something about her had stuck with him. But he needed to stop it. This was his first full day at home and he had to get back to living his life, even if he was pretty sure he didn't want to go back to the way things had been. Not that it mattered. This was all about returning to normalcy and it would be a long road. Maggie was willing to be with him, he owed her more than thinking about another woman.

He loved Maggie, he knew he did. Things had just been hard and maybe once life got a little better they would go back to normal. Relationship hits rocky parts, they got strained and it just was a matter of working through it. He just had a lot to work through. "Derek?" Maggie called softly as she walked into their bedroom, holding a tray with breakfast on it.