Untouchable face

51.

Meredith wasn't waiting for him outside therapy and Derek was fighting the urge not to frown about that as he looked up and down the hallway, hoping she would suddenly appear. It wasn't like it was the first time she hadn't been there, it had happened before because of emergency surgeries and she always texted but she hadn't this time. He had checked his phone three or four times and there wasn't anything from her, at least not since yesterday when they had fought over music and what made it good and bad. That had ended with her calling him an idiot and then getting paged away. But there hadn't been a text since. It was probably possible that she had gotten paged away and didn't have time but it seemed doubtfut, she always found the time to send him a quick message. So he had no idea where she could be and he couldn't help feeling disappointed. His time with her after therapy was always the highlight of his day.

He always set aside an hour or two for a quick lunch with her and lots of talking. Of course, she got paged away a lot, but he knew she liked their get togethers too. But now she was missing and he had no idea how to track her down. Even if she was busy, he just wanted to know before getting Mark to pick him up. He sent her a quick text before moving down the hallway. It was fine if she was with a patient, he understood how busy she was but it probably wouldn't hurt to look around the hospital a little bit. Mark wasn't expecting him for a bit so he had the time to kill anyway.

His body ached after a tough therapy session, but he couldn't get enough of walking with the cane. He still wanted to get rid of it, but he felt more like himself with a cane than with a wheelchair or walker. And he loved the look on Meredith's face whenever he walked without it, even if it was for just a couple seconds. She always looked so proud of him. She smiled widely and watched him and she just looked proud, it was the only way he could think of to describe the look. He knew he was still awkward, his steps short and jerky without the cane but she didn't seem to even notice.

Every day, he threw the cane to the side and tried to make that look come over her face, just so he could see it. She was gorgeous, so incredibly beautiful, and that soft smile just made his heart pound. His heart had been pounding a lot lately, especially since their hike a few days earlier.

He knew they had nearly kissed. If it hadn't been for her stopping it, he probably would have done it. And even after, when they had just been sitting there, it took more will power than it should have not to just pull her into his arms and hold her until he had to let her go.

It was...he wasn't sure what it was. His head was still spinny but he was starting to discover that he couldn't stop thinking about her, and he was really starting to avoid his girlfriend. He knew it was bad, and he felt like shit about it, but Meredith had a pull he couldn't deny. He hadn't meant to find someone like Meredith, he really hadn't. He had thought he was happy in life but Meredith had just stumbled into his life and now he couldn't imagine staying away from her. Something about her fit in ways nothing else ever had before.

But there was Maggie. His girlfriend had stuck with him throughout this whole thing, and while they were definitely growing apart, he felt terrible even thinking about Meredith. But he couldn't stop it. He wanted to, he needed to figure this out, but Meredith just made everything seem so...simple. The second he was with her, he didn't feel confused or torn or anything besides peaceful and warm and happy. She didn't have to say much, he just immediately felt that way the second she smiled at him and it didn't make figuring this out any easier.

He had never thought he would be in this situation or be this guy. But right now, everything felt huge and scary. He couldn't imagine Meredith not being in his life, but he couldn't imagine Maggie not being in it either. Everything just felt so damn scary.

Maybe once he was done with the cane he'd go camping by himself. It always managed to clear his head and maybe that'd be enough to figure out how the hell to deal with this. Because he had a girlfriend he didn't think he loved anymore but that he still deeply cared for and a kind of friend he had a feeling he was falling for.