Untouchable face

28.

Derek felt like the world's biggest ass. His sisters had come to visit him, probably to cheer him up, and he hadn't even been able to fake a smile. Even for Sophie, his favorite Shepherd sister, he could only manage to sound weak and pathetic. Which was pretty much a glance into his future. He wanted to enjoy having them there, he did. He liked his sisters and usually being around his family always lifted his spirits but he had a feeling, it was impossible. Because in too few days he'd be home and all he'd be able to do would be sit and watch tv, which would probably be his life from now on.

When Aaron had handed Maggie the pamphlets this morning, Derek had wanted to just end it all. His girlfriend would be helping him to the bathroom and the shower, putting garbage bags over his cast, and then bathing him like a child. It was humiliating. He knew that part of it wouldn't last forever. Eventually the cast would come off and the he'd be able to move again, maybe with some pain but he'd at least be able to move. But that didn't make the however long it took to get to that part any easier.

And then there was the pain. He was off the heavy narcotics and he was realizing the light stuff didn't do a damn thing. His back was almost always on fire and he was starting to wonder if this was it. If this searing pain would always be his life. Meredith swore that it wouldn't be, she swore this would eventually pass but it didn't feel that way. It had been weeks of barely moving and it still hurt this bad so he had no idea how it was ever going to improve. It felt impossible. Everything felt impossible right now. He wasn't even sure how to be himself, and it terrified him. Every last bit of this had been terrifying and functioning was just too much right now. But his family didn't seem to get that.

They all came in smiling and he just had no idea what to even say to them. He had always been the rock, the strong one no matter what happened and he couldn't do it right now and it had left him at a total loss of what to do instead. He couldn't tell them what he was really thinking. Which just wasn't him. He was the man of the house, the rock, and he couldn't tell them how weak he felt. This injury had completely shaken him and he wasn't ready to leave the safety of the hospital.

No one really expected much of him here. He needed to work hard in rehab but besides that, he could just sit and no one said anything, no one expected him to get back to his normal life. And right now, that seemed like a really good plan. To just sit. He could sit and not move forward. And Meredith was here. He knew once he went home, Meredith would move on from his case and they'd probably just lose touch. But if he stayed here, he wouldn't have to worry about missing their talks. It wasn't like it was an option but he really didn't know what he was going to do without them. She was the best part of his day and the only thing he really found himself looking forward to. He needed that to keep going every morning.

"Kathleen is scary."

"What?" he frowned, looking up.

"Your sister, Kathleen," Meredith nodded as she shut the door. "She's scary."

"Yeah, she is..."

"Like...terrifying."

"When did she..."

"Ambush me?" she raised an eyebrow. "Just now."

"Oh. Crap."

"Oh crap is right. She thinks you're crazy."

"Oh."

"She actually tried to force me to get you a psych evaluation."

"What?" he gasped.

"So...what's going on?" Meredith sighed.

"I...Meredith..."

"I really don't want to do a psych eval," she murmured.