Untouchable face

42.

There was something wrong with him. He couldn't place his finger on it, but Derek was starting to think there was something very wrong with him. Health-wise, he felt fine. The pain was getting better, he was taking more steps, but there was something deep inside him that seemed to be boiling. And he didn't know what. He had thought that talking to Maggie would help the unsettled feeling he had had since shortly after the accident. She always made him feel better but talking to her hadn't actually helped anything and now he really thought he might need to talk to a professional or something. He was angry almost all the time now, snapping and just angry as hell. Maggie had taken to hiding from him a lot and he hated himself for it. But since he had talked to her a week earlier, he was just so angry he couldn't breathe. And it terrified him to be this angry.

He had always had a temper but very rarely did anything really get to him, at least not to the point he exploded, but now everything was and he was terrified that he was losing it. Kathleen had told him all too many times the effects of major injuries and now he was pretty sure maybe she was on to something. Nothing calmed him, nothing made him feel better. Every day, Maggie tried something new, and all that came of it was a lot of yelling and snapping. Right now, he hated himself and he hated everyone else too. He just felt like he couldn't breathe or something, and it was starting to kill him.

He desperately wanted to be him again. He was walking more now, still not enough but at least when he needed to go to the washroom at night he didn't need to grab for the chair and his back still hurt but not in the horrible way it had before so it all felt like progress. Aaron was talking about a walker soon and that was...it was more than he could have hoped for. But that thought didn't seem to make him happy now. Nothing made him happy, and he found that hole he had felt after the accident growing bigger and bigger by the second. It was the scariest feeling he could ever remember, and he'd do anything to feel normal again. He had been a happy guy. Even if now he wasn't sure he had always been as happy as he had thought, he knew he had a good life and that he was more or less content. This was the complete opposite.

Which was why he would have to talk to a professional if things didn't change. Usually, he talked to Meredith, she seemed to understand the empty feeling. But he had been doing everything in his power to keep his promise to Maggie and hadn't seen or spoken to Meredith in a week. And that thought made him want to yell. It seemed stupid to be avoiding someone who helped him and he didn't even want to think what Meredith must be thinking right now, but clearly their friendship was getting to Maggie and if he wanted his relationship to survive this, he had to respect that. But it was driving him crazy. Meredith understood what it was like to be terrified, to feel empty, and she always made him feel more relaxed. No one else had the power to make him feel that way and now he was just starting to think his girlfriend was just being insecure. It wasn't like he was going to cheat on her with Meredith. He would never do that to anyone and Meredith wasn't the kind who would do it either. Besides, Meredith didn't do relationships, she didn't believe in love and forever and it meant she was the last girl for him.

"Derek!" Aaron reached to steady him as he tripped.

"Sorry...sorry..."

"Don't apologize," Aaron shook his head. "Pay attention."

"I'm trying!"

"You're in your own world."

"I have a lot on my mind," Derek groaned.

"I know, man. I get that. But when you're here, you just need to think about therapy."

"I'm trying..."

"No, you're not. You need to leave the rest of the shit at the door and just work."

"I am working!" Derek snapped.