Untouchable face

52.

Nothing in Derek's life made sense these days. Everything was a jumbled mess, everything seemed to have gone topsy turvy, and yet, he had a feeling he was on his way to fixing things. He had barely slept the night before and had instead stayed up most of the night to watch Maggie, and he knew things were about to change. He had been fighting himself on this idea for a while now and up until yesterday, he hadn't been sure what he was supposed to do. But yesterday, Meredith had walked out of his life and forced him to face what he really wanted. He figured he had known all along but he had been too afraid to think it. It was no secret he hated change. Every major change in his life had come about from some awful tragedy and now, he had no choice but to change what had once seemed like the ideal life to him. Meredith was an unknown, he had no idea if they could last, but he knew not taking the chance would probably kill him.

Watching Meredith walk out of that room had hit him a lot harder than he expected. Not that he had thought it would feel good but it had actually left him crying on the bed for longer than he thought possible. The idea of never seeing her again actually made his stomach turn. But she was right, and he knew that. Meredith Grey was an amazing person who deserved so much more than he had been giving her for the last few months. And he wanted to give her everything she deserved, but first he had to fix a situation that had been getting worse every day since his accident.

He had loved Maggie, he had loved her a lot. And while he had his fair share of relationships that he winced at the memory of, he knew Maggie would never be that. He had spent two very happy years together that he wouldn't take back for the world. But they weren't happy anymore. He didn't know when exactly things had changed for them, or if she even realized how bad it had gotten. He liked to say it wasn't Meredith, but a part of him knew everything with Meredith had added onto their strained relationship. But strained didn't mean he had stopped loving her, he just loved her in a different way.

She was a great person. She was funny and smart and caring and maybe their idea of how to deal with the accident hadn't been the same but she had definitely done everything she could to help him and for that, he would always love her. She had stayed so strong. But just like Meredith deserved more, so did Maggie. He wanted someone to fall head over heels in love with Maggie, someone who just...captured her. He knew now he wasn't that person and he was even surer that staying with her because of her strength was a shitty thing to do.

He had never actually considered marrying her and that should be enough for him to know what the right thing to do was. She needed to be happy and he knew if they stayed together like this, she never would be. It was time they faced what had happened. Which was why he was currently standing in his kitchen, making coffee and waiting for his girlfriend to get out of bed. His hands were shaking and his chest felt tight, but he had to do this. He needed Meredith back in his life, and that meant taking a huge step into the unknown.

He could do this, he needed to do this. It was going to hurt and it was going to be terrifying but in the end, this would probably make both of them happier and he just needed to remember that even if she bawled and begged him not to leave her.

"Derek?"

"Maggie," Derek breathed, his head snapping up. "Morning."

"Morning," she breathed, wrapping her robe tighter around her body. "I...I thought your mom would have picked you up for therapy by now."

"I...I called Aaron and cancelled for today," he sighed.

"Oh," she nodded carefully. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah...I just..."

"You know it's important for you to go every day," Maggie whispered as she moved to the coffee maker. "You're doing so great and soon you'll be walking without your cane."