Untouchable face

53.

Today Meredith Grey was not moving from her bed. She didn't care if a tornado hit the city or if an earthquake popped out of no where, she wasn't moving. She was just going to stay hidden under the blankets and silently hope the day before just disappeared or something. It had possibly been the worst day ever. Everything had just...gone to hell. It was the only way to describe it. She had been in a pretty good mood, had been pretty happy with what she was doing in her life, and then her thirteen year old patient had died and the universe had laughed at her happiness. Big time.

She knew that Alaina could die, she had never lost sight of that fact. With an injury like her's, death was always a concern, especially in the early stages. She had had thought she was stronger, that she'd fight against it but it hadn't exactly been shocking, just entirely painful. As a surgeon, she was supposed to be able to shrug off the painfulness of a patient's death, but she hadn't been able to. From the second Alaina's blood pressure had started to climb and refused to respond to medication, Meredith had felt like screaming and crying. And all she had wanted was Derek.

How badly she had wanted him had actually knocked the breath right out of her. She knew she liked him, she knew she was falling for him and all that but she had never really needed someone when things had gone badly before. Her life was a long list of things going badly and she had always been alone and it had been okay. But it hadn't been okay with Alaina. She had wanted Derek's strong arms and his soothing voice. And she had considered calling him or texting him but...it had hit her that his girlfriend might answer the phone or wonder who was texting him at three in the morning. And that had been the second it had hit her. Derek wasn't hers. When they were together, it was easy to forget that. They laughed and held hands and hugged and it was easy to pretend she was a big part of his life but he wasn't hers. He wasn't hers to all at three in the morning when she needed someone.

So it had led to...a mistake. A big huge stupid mistake. Or not a stupid mistake because she was supposed to be the strong woman who told a guy to go fuck himself, that she didn't need him. But right now, as she lay in her bed, she was pretty sure it was a stupid mistake. She knew things had been hard on him, she knew his feelings were all messed up and she had been being really patient about it. Derek was a good guy and him and Maggie had been together a long time. It wasn't like he was actually carrying on an affair and leading her on.

But it had just been...she had done it. She had told him to go away and never come back. And the pain on his face had been...she couldn't stop seeing it. Whenever she closed her eyes, she saw the tears on his face and the pain in his eyes. It had been awful. She didn't want to hurt him, she hated that she had hurt him. He was such a good guy and she knew the last few months had been hell with recovering and the mess the accident had made of his emotions. But she had done it anyway and he had looked devestated.

And now she felt like the world's biggest idiot. She hadn't slept in two days and he probably hadn't slept either. Not that she would ever know, she was never going to see him again. She did not like thinking about that at all. Seeing Derek, having coffee and talking had become the highlight of her day and thinking of never having that again made her want to cry all over again. Which was horrible since her eyes were burning from all the tears earlier. She was so incredibly stupid and lame and...everything she had always sworn she would never be. Derek Shepherd had ruined her and it made her hate him all over again.

So today she was going to stay in bed and hope that tomorrow would be better. It seemed doubtful at this point but she was also pretty sure it couldn't be worse so as plans went, this one worked for now. She just wasn't ready to face her first day without Derek. So if anyone asked, she was dying of some undisclosed illness. And if anyone wanted to argue...well, no one had. Cristina didn't know yet which was probably why there was someone banging on her door.