metanoia

Chapter Sixty-three

Amos had his mother bring Cedric to Hogsmeade for the weekend, giving him a chance to spend time with his son. He'd invited his best friends along with him, trying to give them time to hangout as well as spend time with their godson. Nicholas declined the invitation, having previously made plans with his girlfriend to spend the day together. However, Alex had no plans and decided to join them, seeing it as a chance to think.

After Amos changed his son's dirty diaper,  he'd handed the smiling baby boy to the blonde. She sent the Hufflepuff a forced frown, playing with the baby, "I'll have you know, I hate babies. They're loud and annoying, and they're gross. And they're always sticky somehow, I'll never understand it-"

"Are you just going to tell me how much you dislike my son? Your godson," he reminded, laughing at the beginning of her long-winded rant.

Alex playfully glared at Amos, wincing as Cedric took a handful of her long hair onto his tiny fist, "Don't cut me off. Amos. What I was saying was, I don't mind Ced. I actually love being around him. He's actually a pretty cool kid, considering he's like four months old."

"He's bloody smart, that's for sure. He's already got a few words out, momma and dadda. And he knows who you are. You're Ahah."

Upon hearing his father repeat his attempt at saying his godmother's name Cedric began to laugh and clap his chubby hands, trying to show her. Alex laughed at his giggles, clapping back at him, "Cute."

Amos watched his best friend play with his son, smiling at how good with Cedric she was. Remembering why they couldn't hang out last weekend, he broke the intermittent silence, "How was Lily's birthday party?"

Alex thought back to Saturday, remembering the night she and her friends shared to celebrate Lily, "Uh, it was fun. Sorry you weren't invited, Lily only wanted her close friends to come."

"No, I understand. I'm not that close with her anyways, I would have just felt out of place. Um, Alex, you and I need to talk. It's actually something I've wanted to talk about for a while."

Alex met his eyes, seeing the seriousness in his glance and hearing the sincerity in his tone and Cedric sensed the change as well because he instantly stopped making noise and stared at his father, "You seem pretty serious. Should I be scared?"

"No, no. Not at all. I'm actually the one who should be scared, all things considered," he nervously admitted, picking at the dirt under his fingernails.

Alex was unnerved by his demeanor, watching him struggle to sit still and barely maintaining eye contact, "What's wrong?"

"Alex, I like you. You know that. But I really like you, like in a way that is more than just a friend and you are the godmother to my son. I have liked you for a while now and it never seems to be the right time to tell you. And I've come to the conclusion that it will never be the right time. So, I'm making it the time, right now, to say that I want to be more than friends and I'd really like to go on a date with you."

"Oh, my. Digs..." she breathed, trailing off the more she thought about what she'd just heard, genuinely taken aback by his confession not realizing that he was in a different place in their relationship than she was.

Realizing that he'd sprung his feelings for her on her, he started to stammer, "You don't have to say anything now, I totally understand if you need time to think about this."

"Amos, I can't go out with you. It-it wouldn't be fair to you because I have feelings for someone else that I need to figure out."

"Is it Sirius?" Amos guessed, remembering the conversation he'd had with him before Summer holiday the year before.

The blonde stared at him, flabbergasted that he knew that she had feelings for him but she also realized that he wasn't the person she was talking about,  "What? No, Digs, I wasn't talking about Sirius right now."

"But you do have feelings for him, don't you?"

Alex cleared her throat, sighing as he persisted in making Sirius the reason she said no, "Even if I did, it wouldn't matter. And it doesn't matter. I need to figure out my feelings right now and I can't do that if we're going on dates. It would only confuse me, confuse you and in the end it could hurt you and I don't want to do that."

"Well, let the record show that it would be an honor to have my heart broken by you because it would mean for a moment I had you. But I understand. I just want you to be happy. Even if it isn't with me."

"I am happy, right here with you and Ced and being a part of your little family. It makes me happy," she admits, kissing the infant in her arms on the top of his head.

"But not enough or in the same way Remus does?"

Alex stared at him in astonishment, failing to string together a sentence, "How did you know it was Remus?"

He couldn't help but laugh at the question,  feeling dumb for not having realized it during Slughorn's Christmas Party,  "I'd be a fool to not know that you two have had feeling for each other for quite sometime now. But you didn't answer my question?"

"No," she whispered, shaking her head no. "You guys make me happy in two very different ways."

"Well, I would never know unless I tried, right?" he sighed, forcing a smile as he raked his long fingers through his bronze hair.

She felt immensely guilty, looking down at the babbling baby she bounced on her knee rather than her friend who she'd just rejected, "I'm so sorry, Amos."

"Don't be. It's fine, I'll get over it and if I don't at least I still have you in my life."

"I don't deserve you in my life, either of you," she laughed, looking happily down at the little boy that she gets to help raise and watch grow into the man he's meant to be. She couldn't help but look into her godson's gray eyes and wonder what causes him to die in front of her future godson, they were only kids.

"Don't kid yourself, you deserve so much more."