Not a perfect love story ~ Cate x Reader

Out of reach

TW// talk about SH, SH maybe?

(Two weeks from the last chapter)

"y/n baby, can you please open the door?" Cate sighs after a moment from the other side of the ensuite bathroom door.

"Go. Away." I snarl as I hold my knees to my chest and sit in my bra and panties.

"Sweetheart, please let's talk about this"

Without reply I stand up and stand numbly in the mirror.

They're fading.

All that work I put in to get rid of my urges, I knew the scars would fade but I'm not ready for this. I like them, I like to remember the pain that came from them, the blood that would drip continuously from the fresh wounds. Now that memory is becoming more distant. I can't do it again, I want to so bad, more than anything. But I can't let cate down, she's so proud of how far I've come. "FUCK" I scream and push all the products off the counter.

"Y/N OPEN THE DOOR" Cates voice now fills with panic but I fill with unexplainable heaviness. The tears I tried to hard to fight now silently fall. The hot streams roll down my neck but I stand observing the scars. "Maybe one couldn't hurt" I mumble to myself. Cate now pounds on the door and tries to talk to me but I tune her out. None of the outside world matters right now. It's just me, nothing feels real, it's distant. My mind- my thoughts are cut short, I feel like I'm floating all the time. And cate, poor cate, she doesn't deserve this. I thought I was better I really did. stupid me, it doesn't get better. But cate needs better. I look down at the ring and burst into tears. I slump back on to the floor and lay on my side against the cold porcelain tiles. "Cate" I call out weakly.

"Sweetheart, let me in"

I cry, and cry. Nothing can stop it. All I want is to inflict any pain on my body, anything to feel. "Please, let me help you my sunshine"

I remain silent and pull myself onto my feet once again, the bathroom light in bright and causing my head to pound. I slam the light switch and the room goes dark. I stumble on my feet until I find the bathtub. Cate must have heard me because she now fumbles the door knob aggressively "y/n come out now so I can help you"

"THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO CATE" I snap at her. She goes silent, and guilt fills me. "I-I'm sorry" I sniffle.

"Honey, just let me in" she sighs.

"N-no, I need to do something".

"something?! Sweetie, we can just talk let me in please"

I turn the tub on, I twist the nob to the hottest temperature. Steam fills the room, quiet sniffles come from the side of the door. She rattles the door knob again. My body fills with guilt. How did I get here again?

[Flash back]

"Hello darling" cate greets me as I enter the kitchen.

"Hi" I smile at her and stand beside her. She's leaning on the kitchen island with her elbows. Cate and I haven't had much time for ourselves lately. Edith has been extra clingy and I've been tired, almost a familiar tired. I've been pushing it away and hoping it goes away. Cate and I haven't had time to see our therapist and I've been secretly avoiding my meds. They make me tired and I can't have any more fatigue plaguing my body. "I love you" I whisper and hug her from behind. I rest my cheek on her back and hold her tight "I love you so much" I whisper.

"I love you too sweet girl" she rests her hands over mine and rubs her thumb over my knuckles. "Would you like to go out tonight, it's Saturday and the kids are gone for the weekend" she pauses and turns around. "And maybe later we can have some more fun" she rests her hands on my waist and pulls me close. Cate and I haven't had sex since our trip and I know she's starting to be affected. But as strange as it is, I haven't felt anything like that. No more, I haven't felt much. I don't understand, I was so happy but now It takes effort to wear a smile.