A Little Variety

Monday.

It's happening again. He's yelling at me about changing him.

"I signed up for these classes before we started dating!"
"And I'm just asking you to skip this one. I'm having a really bad day and I need you."
"Look, I can't. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll even pick you up from the train."

As if that's really a compromise. Or a favor. It was still an hour on the train for me to get to where he'd pick me up.

"Whatever. See you tomorrow."
"Hey, come on. I made this commitment."

"What about the commitment you made to me when we started dating?" I want to say. But I hold my tongue.

"Yeah, okay."
"I love you."
"Love you back," I respond even though I just want to cry.

Actually, what I want is to cry to him. But he has his commitment. And that does not involve me.

I huff to myself and throw my phone on the bed. We've had this fight so many times. And it always ends the same. I cave and let him do what he wants, while I sit at home alone. We've been friends for almost a decade. And when we were friends, he'd always make time for me and spend time with me. It was like as soon as we started dating a switch flipped.

Our lives are completely scheduled. And if I ever want to change one thing, he starts ranting at me about how I'm taking things away from him or changing who he is as a person. It just seems like we always fight, but all I want is for us to spend time together. He is my boyfriend after all. And all he basically wants is to live a single bachelor life, except for when he has free time, or if he is lonely. During those times is when he wants to be with me, and we can act like a real couple. I know it's not healthy, but I love him. And I love us. We've been friends for years, like I said. And he knows so much about me. I can't just let that go.

But I am alone. Alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it can be good or bad. But, no. What I'm really feeling is lonely. And it's bad.

I'm in the App Store on my phone. I decide to download a social networking app. Just for a minute. Just to see if I can find a friend or someone to spend time with. The green bubble icon comes into focus after a few seconds of staring down at my phone. I shake my head. I really shouldn't do this. But it's just to meet people, like I said. Maybe make a new friend. I mean, if I make it clear at the get...then no one can make a mistake in thinking it's anything more, right? Right.

I write up a few things in my profile. I don't want to give anything about me away. I don't want them to know the real me. Just maybe bits of the real me. And a whole lot of fake me. It's not like I'd ever meet up with anyone. Just text. I just need someone to talk to. Like I said--I am lonely. Someone else in this humongous city must feel the same way.

My phone pings.

"Hey girl. Like your pic. Wanna meet up?"

To myself—'Definitely not.'
To him--"Yeah, maybe. What kinds of things do you like to do?"
To me--"Well, I know I like you. Especially from your pic. ;)"

That pretty much sums up most of the conversations that have already started on the app. I scroll through profiles pictures and read a bit of each person's description.

He's cute. And I like his hobbies. But I am getting a bad vibe... What is he doing on here? Something shady? Probably...

She's cute. Maybe we could be friends. Oh, she actually wants a relationship. Can't do that since I like guys.

This guy calls himself "The Nice Guy", and we all know what that really means...

"Looking to do crossword puzzles with a friend." And oh my god. He's cute. Like real cute. Seems dangerous...Ugh, whatever. I want to talk to someone. Anyone.

I furiously type a message to crossword puzzle dude. Then I delete it. Then I retype it. Then delete it. Then retype it slowly. Then I think about it. Should I send it? I click send it before I can change my mind.

"Hey, you look pretty interesting. I also fancy crossword puzzles. What day is your favorite?"

In my head I say to myself, 'Please don't say Sunday. Please. Not Sunday. I'm not that good!'

I wait for a response. I'm really impatient. Especially with social media nowadays. I personally feel like responses should be instant. But, I'm still waiting. Ugh, I think to myself that I hope he's not one of those people that takes forever to respond. Like Matt.

My phone pings breaking me from my thoughts and my heart stops for a second. I have no idea why I'm nervous. It's just a message. And it might not even be from him. I look down at the message. It is him.

"The early days in the week. I'm not that good, but I still like to do them."
I respond, "Me too! They're a lot more fun on Mondays and Tuesdays. And I actually feel accomplished."
"Ha-ha, I know what you mean."
I try to play a little coy, and maybe flirt a little bit. But, I really suck at flirting. I type, "So, what is a guy like you doing in a place like this?"
He responds back so quickly, "Not sure to be honest. Looking for friends. Or does that sound stupid?"
"Not at all. I'm here kind of doing the same. I have a boyfriend, and all but--"

I scream inwardly. 'Why in the hell would I say that, oh my god,' I say out loud to no one.

I see that he's typing, and then the following pops up. "Yeah, I'm with someone too. I think she'd kill me if she found me on here, but I wanted to meet some new people."
"Really?" I ask incredulously.

This can't be real life. Have I found an actual friend on here?

"Yeah, does that make it weird?"
I'm shaking my head as I type, "Weirdly, no. That's why I'm here too."
"No way."
"Way."