A Little Variety

Wednesday.

It's only been a couple days, but by now, we've talked nonstop since we met. Most of the times through text, but we've even graduated to phone calls. I don't think I have ever gotten so comfortable with someone so quickly. Especially someone I haven't ever seen in person.

We talked while I got ready for work. We talked intermittently while I was on the train. While I walked to the store. While I walked home. While I laid in bed. While I woke myself up in the morning.

And even while I hang out with my boyfriend.

And the sad thing is, Matt never once asks who I might be talking to. Ever. He seems completely oblivious to anything that involves me.

Instead our conversations go as follows.

"Hey, I'm going to the gym today. I told you about it the other day and you said it was okay."
"What? But I thought that we were supposed to hang out today. It's Wednesday."
"No, I specifically remember telling you that I made plans with the group to go to the gym. You said it was alright."

I feel a pang of hurt in my chest. I don't ever remember him telling me that. Wednesdays are our usual date day. Plus, he used to hang out with me all the time before we dated. And now, it seems like I lose out to anyone and everyone.

I say shyly, "I don't remember saying that Matt, really, I don't."
"Well you did. And like I said, the group wants to get together to train today," he practically screams at me.
"I guess I lose out to another commitment then, don't I?" I say, my voice small.
"Don't be like that. I've been doing this for a couple of years."
"It's just, I feel like we never really see each other."
"That's not true. I see you on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays."
"We're dating, Matt. And today is a Wednesday." I try pointing this out, but like usual, it backfires.
"Yeah, I know. And okay. One Wednesday won't kill you."
"That's not what you said about missing your class on Monday," I argue back.
"Ugh, you're being unreasonable right now. I have to go."

I hear the click at the other end of the line. I can't believe he hung up on me! Whenever we argue, it always ends the same. Him mad at me, and I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I am asking a lot to spend time with him, and it's not that I want to take anything away from him, I just want to be around him. But he just gets mad at me, leaves me alone, and then I feel like I've done something wrong.

I am so upset. And lonely again. I desperately feel like I need someone to talk to. I send a quick message to my best friend, Trixie, but I know she works late. I send another message to the guy I just met, but I have no idea if I'll hear back from him.

"My boyfriend just hung up on me."

I wait for a response, but it's the middle of the day. Plus, he owes me nothing. 'Why am I like this? Why do I always feel so alone?' I think to myself.

My phone pings. Oh my god. He actually answered. And right away. Why can't more people be like this? What I really mean is, why can't Matt be more like this.

"We usually hang out today, but he says he has to go to the gym to train with his group."
"That sucks. I mean I like the gym and all, but girlfriends are better than the gym. We go to the gym to get girlfriends."
"Maybe in your head. Not his."
"Well he's an idiot."
"Ha," I respond, while stifling a snort of laughter.
"Sorry that was rude. I don't even know him. But he seems like an idiot for ditching you for the gym."
"Thanks. That's sweet," I say back, smiling to myself.
"Wanna meet up with me instead? Joking. Sort of. Unless you say yes. Then not joking."

No way. That wasn't part of the plan. I mean yeah, maybe he seems cool and all. But no. I can't.

"Uhhh, I don't know. I was really on here just to find people to talk to."
"I get it. It's cool. We don't even know each other."
"Right."
"Well, I'm still here to talk if you need someone."

I always need someone to talk to. I always feel lonely. I used to talk to Matt all the time, but really since we got together, we barely talk anymore. And now someone wants to talk to me. I like this. This is what I want in a relationship. But, what I want from the person I am in a relationship with. Not some stranger I accidentally met on a social networking app.

"Thanks. I really appreciate that. I'm gonna drown myself in some ice cream right now, but I'll hit you up later."
"K."

I smack myself on the head. Well I royally messed up whatever friendship we had. I mean not that it matters. But, he was nice to talk to. There goes that.

*PING*

I think maybe he's written something, but I am disappointed when I see the message, "Hey got any other pics? Maybe some noods?"

DELETE

*PING*

"You're cute. Wanna get drinks? Then... who knows... ;)"

DELETE

*PING*

*PING*

*PING*

These messages are just making me even more lonely. I shut my phone off and decide to walk to the store to get ice cream.