A Little Variety

Wednesday.

"Hey," Matt says as I climb into his car.
"Hey," I reply in a solemn voice.
"Ummm, what's up?" there's a lilt in his tone, like he knows something is wrong.
"We need to talk," I say curtly.

I know that I need to get this out now; otherwise I will never be able to do it.

"I um," I start, but my voice is already shaky. "I think that we should take a break."
In my head it almost sounds more like a question; like I am asking him if it's okay, but I know it's what I want. I don't want to feel so torn all the time anymore.

"What?" he says in shock. "Why? Where is this coming from? I thought things between us were perfect babe?"
He looks hurt. This is proving to be very difficult.

How does he think things are perfect? I just don't see that at all.

"I just feel like we are arguing all the time. And it just seems like we want different things."
"We don't want different things. I want to be with you. I thought you wanted to be with me."
"I do, Matt. I just want to have more time with you, but you have so much going on, I just always feel like I am in the way."

This is definitely not going the way I thought it would. I thought this would be easier. And he would just understand and agree. I mean, we both have to know this isn't working, right?

"I told you it would be different after the Con. We were just prepping our costumes like crazy is all. I'll have more time for you, I promise."

He says this every time. That he'll have more time for me, but it always just ends up that I am alone, waiting for him.

"But," I start, wanting to tell him exactly this.
He cuts me off, "You said we'd be together forever."
"Matt, seriously?" I am flabbergasted by this response. Not that I want to break up, but when couples say those things, they are usually hoping, but not expecting that as a real result.
He glares at me, "But you promised. You told me that."
I don't know how to respond to this.

"We are just hurting each other Matt." I am trying to stay calm as I say all this, but it's really hard. There are so many emotions flying around.
"How have I hurt you?" he accuses.
"You always ditch me," I respond.
"It's because of the Con," he says, as if that's the only valid argument.
"It's always the Con," I begin, and then I know I can't hold it in any longer.

"And speaking of the Con, who was the girl that you had your arm around in the pictures you sent to me?"
I see color creep up Matt's neck, but he turns it back on me.
"Well, you told me you didn't want to go, so we invited a friend. She likes to costume with us."

I feel something ablaze in my stomach, as I try to keep my cool. "How come you've never mentioned her before?" I ask. "I mean, you always tell me about Pete and Tom, but I have never ever heard you mention her once," I continue, my brain firing in a bunch of different directions.

Who is she? Why was she there? Why has he never talked about her? Is he cheating?

"I did tell you about her. I mean when I say my friends, I assume you know she's there," he says resolvedly.

I am taken aback. How am I supposed to assume that? He never brought her up. Did he? I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I would have known if he ever mentioned her. Not that I don't trust him. I always had, so why is now any different? But, I am pretty sure he never said anything about her, otherwise I think I would have felt slightly different every time he ditched me to be with his 'friends'.

I have no more fight in me. Not that I wanted to fight in the first place. But, I just can't do this anymore. We are just hurting each other.

"It's just a break. It'll help us to figure things out," I try to say to bring about some ceasefire to this argument.
"No, you're just giving up. That's what's happening," he says with malice.
"I'm not giving up. I just...this isn't working." Why am I the only one who sees this?

I open the door to get out of his car. I turn around before I walk away.
"I'm sorry Matt."
"Whatever," he says, and his words sting.

It's not that I don't want things to work with him, they just aren't.
Before I can walk away, he grabs my arm, "Please, don't do this to me. Please don't leave. I need you."

It takes everything inside of me to do what I do, and still, it's probably not enough.

"Let's just give it a couple of days. We don't see each other until Saturday anyway. We can talk again then."
He looks so sad, like a small injured dog, and it's killing me to walk away, but he just nods.

I give him a small kiss on the cheek, and close the passenger side door, before walking briskly away. I need to get out of there and onto the train before I change my mind.

As much as we probably need this, my intention was never to hurt him, and it feels like I have done just that.